Is it possible to recover from an affair?

[Emmaheather]

I never thought I would be asking this and am looking for thoughtful responses. If you're thoughts are no, never, no need to comment.

My husband had an affair..... for 5 years. I know he's quite damaged (boarding school at 7 years old, rejecting father, chaotic but loving mother - never had a hot meal cooked for him, 2x awful step mothers). We were together for 20 years. 2 fantastic children. He totally regrettes the fair but he has was selfish and a shit husband for many years. He moved out 2 years ago (I told him he had to go) and had been trying to make amends since.

I won't go into anymore detail of all the turmoil but just wondering if there is anyone out there whose relationship has recovered from a long term affair?

I think you can stay together but it damages you in ways you can’t always articulate. I can understand wanting to keep the family together. But I wouldn’t go back after 2 years apart.
Look at what is missing in your life if you’re thinking about this. I bet it isn’t him.

Kindly op, I think you are focusing on the wrong thing here. Spending your time ruminating on why he did what he did and trying to understand it is pointless. You will never understand it, because you would never do it. It will never make sense to you.
He needs to be doing his own work to understand why he could behave in such a deceitful, duplicitous manner. And childhood trauma is no excuse. Many people carry trauma from childhood, that doesn’t mean they chose to be unfaithful for 5 minutes, never mind 5 years. He needs to work out his own motivations and communicate them to you. You need to focus on healing yourself and deciding once and for all, what you want. You cannot “fix” him, he has to do that himself, whilst you focus on you and your recovery.
Is it recoverable? Yes. But it would take a fuck ton of massively hard work, from both of you and most people simply can’t do it.

You seriously need to leave, what an unhealthy situation, not to mention a waste of precious years of your life!

So, he was still being a dick during couples therapy. That reads as though he was not remorseful and not ready to do everything he could to salvage your relationship/marriage.

The trust is gone and you’ll never get that back to the same level as before. You still don’t trust him as you believe they would meet up again to feed their egos.

I think you need to focus on therapy for yourself to explore why you’re thinking about subjecting yourself to his possible abuse again, after having separated two years ago.
Although leaving a relationship is courageous and admirable in these situations, that must have been hard. What’s the current pull for you now? Future financial security for the DC?
Future financial security for you?
It’s not all about money, but finances are increasingly strained for most right now unless you are comfortably well off.
What do you miss about him?
What is the point of him?
Do your children want to be a family unit, all living under the same roof again?
Are your DC old enough to understand why you are separated?

I’m impressed that you left.

Five years is more of a double life than a fleeting affair.

You’ve already managed the initial hard part to separate two years ago with children in tow. Dig deep within yourself to work out why would you want to go back to him and all that entails, especially as he was not remorseful enough or ready to do the work 18 months ago.

Love and/or familiarity is not always enough. Plus, the kids will see the cracks and may eventually resent both of you for getting back together to ‘save’ the marriage.

I decided I needed to focus on myself and set some quite firm boundaries, and did that for about 6 months which helped me heal. Maybe we need to revisit this.

I would suggest you return to focusing on yourself and continue to reinforce your firm boundaries. I would suggest individual therapy just for you.
Hopefully, you’re just going through a blip.
Love yourself more.

Omg, this is me! I can't let go of the feeling that if we split I'm recreating my own childhood/family life again for my own kids and I can't overcome that thought! What can we do? I so wish I could get past this.

@chocolaterevs it wouldn't be you recreating your own childhood/family life. Your partner has recreated the circumstances you now find yourself in. It is your choice alone. You must decide what is better for you and for the children.

@savethatkitty when you talk about not understanding how he could throw everything away on an affair, you're using your logic and your attitude to risk and assuming his thinking follows the same pattern. It doesn't.

For you, you wouldn't risk blowing up your life and your family life by having an affair. You sound like the sort of person who would never have an affair due to your own moral standards, or you might be the sort of person who would weigh up the pros and cons and think that the risk is too great.

It seems to me that a great many people who have affairs either have a different attitude to risk, or they don't consider it a risk in the first place. How easy it must be - they probably think - to compartmentalise their family life from their work colleagues. Even if someone were to see them together, nobody would ever tell their spouse. I am sure they don't 'think' about these risks the same way you do. A bit like getting in a car and driving it. For most of us, we just do it - we don't think about the risks.

I am loathe to state this but, from experience, you probably don't feature much or at all in his head when he is at work or in the company of his affair partner. The compartmentalisation facilitates the gratification he gets from his affair partner and makes it much easier to ignore the guilt and shame.

He needs some sort of integrative therapy, it seems to me.

What has he done since? Has he gone to counselling? Has he explored why he did this, and does he fully understand the impact it had on you/childreb/your life together? While he may be damaged, and could have had an awful childhood, none of that excuses his affair. He chose to lie to you, repeatedly. He needs to own that and take responsibility

That said, I do think people can recover but both parties need to want it, and there needs to be a good relationship at the core of it. I know I will get flamed for this, but I think you also need to look at your relationship- what was/wasn't working at that time? It is never an excuse to have an affair. However, if you want to have a successful chance at reconciling then I don't think you can only focus on the affair itself.

I wish you well. It's a shitty ass thing- I never realised before the enormity of the pain it could cause.

The way I read your OP, is that you're looking for success stories here: "If it's a no, no need to comment"

Perhaps you'd be asleep well to try and achieve more balanced views on this subject

And remember that someone's experience won't ever match your own, nor will their version of this situation

@bawbells I can't decide whether the children would be better off if we separated or not. Neither situation is ideal. Growing up with 2 parents who love and respect each other, in a stable family home is ideal. Both the alternatives are pretty crap.

If you are going to enter into this then what do you need to feel safe? Not just empty promises here - if he does it again then he gives you the house, or 75% of his pension, or he takes out a billboard with "I'm a lying liar", or he has to sit down with the kids and explain what he's done to you. This isn't just me being crazy, they suggest this in "after the affair" which I recommend you read if you are serious about this.

I would also lay out that he needs to be in counselling for himself now and that you will go to couples counselling. Are you in counselling? As you might need to explore what you want and why you are even entertaining this - can you not just be friends? I don't think i could ever be vunerable with my ex again. Any time he would be on his phone, or away for the evening, or working late, i would be in bits.

he has was selfish and a shit husband for many years

Maybe you should not reconcile due to this, let alone the 5 year double life.

Maybe that's his character.

All the boo hoo bad childhood/parent stuff may be by the by.
Lots of people have had shit childhoods and been packed off to boarding school and shit parents ...... But don't give themselves permission to have a mistress for five years behind the back of their wife and mother of their kids.

Would he be reconciling with you if you'd had a boyfriend/lover on the side behind his back for several years, or would he be long gone?

His MO is to be a selfish, shit husband. The affair/double like is just more demonstration of his selfishness is he really going to.change his character?

Lots of things are genetic, that's being increasingly discovered; maybe he's like his parents (as much or more of being a victim of them).

When someone can betray and deceive you (over and over and over) for 5 years, they neither love nor respect you.

I'd say there's no coming back from that, but it's up to you if you want to be married to someone who doesn't love or respect you. I'd not call that 'recovery' though. I'd call it sticking your head in the sand and kicking the ball down the road. Because guaranteed he'll do it again. He has no love or respect for you, so why wouldn't he?

I think "selfish and shit husband" should indicate if relationship worth salvaging. But some sort of truce for children will be so important. Good luck whatever U decide.

We were early 20s but my partner cheated on me for a few months and we split for about a year we have been together for about 14 yrs now . I do trust him now but took me a long time to get over it myself

Honestly? No I don't think so.

Open your eyes, your husband willingly threw a grenade into your life without a second thought for you or your boys. It wasn't just a one off, which is bad enough, but five years of lying and sneaking around.
Don't make excuses for him, we all have shit to deal with.
He doesn't respect you, and he will respect you even less if you are a doormat and allow him back. He sounds absolutely vile and you are sabotaging yourself by wanting him back.

Me DF had an affair that lasted a few years, he actually moved in with her for a bit. My DM literally begged him to come back. He did and they are very happy together about 20 years later. She had to forgive him, in order for this to work, which she was able to because she really wanted to.
I don't think I could.

If you don't value trust and happiness, it can work out OK.

I think the 5 year term of this relationship is the sucker punch. A one-night stand may well be able to be chalked up as a slip, even a couple of months.... but 5 fucking years of your life he lied to you over and over and over again.

Can I ask, what are you reasons for questioning this now after a 2 year separation? Are you lonely?

I really feel for you, despite what you say about him having been a shit husband etc, you must still really love him.

I can't relate but if it were me, I'd be moving forward with my life with him firmly in my past.

Much love ❤️

My x cheated on but told me after a guilty conscious but even though he was honest I still couldn't trust him cos I thought he was gonna do it again. It was me who didn't want to get hurt again and I carried that with me till we split. He then got with the woman who he had the affair with, they had kids but he told me regretted it. Do what you feel is for you. Only you can make the decision. We all have to move on

Good lord

5 years is 1826 days. That’s almost 2000 opportunities he had to end it, to do better, to think of you, to do the right thing and he didn’t.

a one night stand is bad enough but that’s 4 or 5 birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries that he has spent knowing he’s sleeping with someone else.

not sure if it’s obvious what it think but no, I certainly could not look past all of the above and move on with him.

One of my friends has forgiven her husband after he had a 7 year affair with one of her friends. They are now a few years on. I'm not sure how she's done it, I couldn't.

But they seem to be ok.