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Original poster

A bit of a cliche but I want to get married

37 replies

Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 21:58

Ladies what would you do in this situation? So I've been with my partner for over 10 and a half years he is such a good man and we have been through a lot of ups and downs together and I know people are going to call BS on this but we don't argue ever and he is so good and sensitive to my mental health needs always been there when I've needed him and is the only person to ever make me feel safe and loved. So tonight just to get the lay of the land/a feel for things I messaged him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that he makes me so happy and that we should just get married already he asked me have I got hidden money or something I said we could just go to the registery office and then go spoons for a pint and a pie after that I'm not bothered about all the bells and whistles and expensive things I just want him he said he wants a white wedding in a church baring in mind I am a divorced woman so most churches wouldn't allow that he wants all the bells and whistles and feels like if we can't afford that then why bother? I love him so much and I really don't want to give him an ultimatum but I also want the security that comes with being married aswell otherwise what is the point? If God forbid 1 of us gets ill or even dies neither of us have any rights to the other I also told him he is 44 I'm going to be 40 this year we are barely a young virginal couple I honestly am torn what would you do?

OP posts:
MK1990X · 01/02/2024 22:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CaveMum · 01/02/2024 22:04

Bottom line: you can’t force him to marry you so you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not.

If you can live happily with not being married then you need to stress to him the importance of getting everything legal sorted - Wills, Power of Attorney, naming each other as pension beneficiaries, checking house deeds/rental agreements etc.

There’s no such thing as “common law wife/husband” so if he won’t marry to get the protections in place you need to sort it all separately, whilst accepting there are things that you won’t be able to cover such as inheritance tax.

Opentooffers · 01/02/2024 22:05

You've had realistically the past 8 years to save up and get married. So now you've mentioned it, did you always believe it was about the cost, or is this news to you? It's really not a man thing to want a big wedding, so I'd guess he is using that as an excuse. If you already have DC's and/or he owns the house, it will be about that. He's not into sharing.

AlwaysRain · 01/02/2024 22:07

Agree.

coffy11 · 01/02/2024 22:08

You've basically asked him to marry you and he said no. Now you've got to decide what you want to do with that.

TwylaSands · 01/02/2024 22:10

coffy11 · 01/02/2024 22:08

You've basically asked him to marry you and he said no. Now you've got to decide what you want to do with that.

This.

and he needs to know that youre considering your future together.

Wadermellone · 01/02/2024 22:13

Do you live together?

You proposed by text. It really should be a face to face conversation. It’s a bit unusual to text a proposal. But you asked him and he said no.

You need to decide what you do with that.

coldcallerbaiter · 01/02/2024 22:16

If you were planning children, I would say get married.

Assuming you are not planning them. If you are divorced with children already, I would not bother getting married.

Has he got more to lose financially by getting married?

Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 22:22

Just to add a bit of context we do live together and have for many years we don't own though we live in a council property that is only my name on the tenancy as I lived here and then he moved in and we just never got round to putting his name on the tenancy.
I wasn't proposing as such was literally just trying to get the lay of the land/put feelers out maybe even get him thinking about it that common thing of planting the seed.
We have discussed marriage before and there was a time when I actually thought he was going to propose to me but then it didn't happen.
I guess I'm just getting to that point in my life where I am thinking about getting older and what that means vi's a vi security wise aswell.
Maybe I just need to accept he will never propose we will never get married and I just maybe have to get over that I just feel like I'm not good enough for him to want to marry me and I think I just need to stay out of my own head and start being greatful for what I do have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 22:23

Also we both have grown up children that have flown the nest now and are all in couples with children (our grandchildren) and we all get on great.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 22:25

He hasn't got anything to lose neither financially have I we both have our own money which we share with each other as and when each other needs it

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2024 22:26

Do you live together?

Messaging rather than a normal face to face chat seems odd.

If it was important to you I doubt you’d have waited a decade to bring it up. Have the two of you really never discussed it before? In ten years?

The Church of England will marry nearly anyone and you can have bells and whistles without a church wedding as you know but if you’ve suggested a very simple affordable do and he’s still saying no I think it’s clear he doesn’t want to marry you. I also think seemingly never having mentioned it before and jumping to an ultimatum is strange and would suggest to him that marriage isn’t a big deal to you.

If he’s clear he’ll never marry you what will you do?

TheSlantedOwl · 01/02/2024 22:26

Tell him it’s a deal breaker for you and is about security and commitment. And that if he doesn’t want to get married you will need some time to rethink things.

Be honest. Stick up for yourself and your needs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2024 22:30

X post with your update.

Grandkids at 39 is impressive.

If you’d rather be with him than get married then stay. If you’d rather get married then leave. I don’t know what else you can do.

Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 22:30

@AnneLovesGilbert this isn't the 1st time it's been brought up we have discussed it lots in the past it's just I've been giving it a lot more thought lately I don't know why I think it's because of all the scary stories I've read on places like MN about a partner dying and the partner left behind having no rights or any kind of security and knowing we are both neither getting any younger plus I suspect I'm going through peri menopause which I've got an appointment with the doctor next week to discuss so I just feel like I want to get things in order to cover both our backs.

OP posts:
AnnieRegent · 01/02/2024 22:45

Loads of people - both men and women - aren't really aware of the legal implications of being married vs unmarried, and think the only reason to get married is because you'd like to have a party. It's possible he thinks the same. Considering that we're talking about a text conversation between two comitted middle-aged people and a comment that you can't afford a big do, I wouldn't take than as him 'rejecting the proposal'. That is posters jumping to the worst case scenario.

I would have a gentle face to face chat with him and tell him it's something you really want to do, and see what he thinks. Don't go in guns blazing with too many mumsnet scare stories as it'll probably just freak him out. You can get married in the Church of England if you're divorced. You can have a fun party on a small budget. Find out what he actually thinks.

Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 22:55

@AnnieRegent we've had all these discussions in the past and he won't budge on any of it I just feel so deflated and like I'm not actually worth it like I'm not crapping all over all the years we have had so far but I feel like whats the point now in being together if we don't get married. Also I don't think it helps that when we tell people how long we have been together when they ask us in conversation they are always shocked and ask why he hasn't put a ring on my finger yet and that still gets to me and makes me just want to hide away and cry I think I'm just going to have to accept the fact that we are probably never going to get married.

OP posts:
Mamoun · 01/02/2024 23:07

You're 39 and he's 44 and you both have grown up children who also have children?

Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 23:12

@Mamoun yes we both had our children when we were young and then our kids had them young at like 18,19 and 20 but they all work and a few of them own their own home none of them are claiming any kind of benefits so it's not like they are a drain on the state. Not that I have to defend myself or my partner to anyone.

OP posts:
Mamoun · 01/02/2024 23:22

Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 23:12

@Mamoun yes we both had our children when we were young and then our kids had them young at like 18,19 and 20 but they all work and a few of them own their own home none of them are claiming any kind of benefits so it's not like they are a drain on the state. Not that I have to defend myself or my partner to anyone.

Fair enough! You don't have to justify yourself...

AnnieRegent · 01/02/2024 23:25

Ah ok that’s a bit different then! What reasons does he give for not getting married? Just money or does he give other reasons?

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/02/2024 23:26

There's another thread at the moment where a woman has been with her boyfriend 20 years and he won't get married. They own a house and of course it doesn't belong to her and neither do any of the savings.

I am older than you and did think differently when I was much younger but now, quite honestly if somebody I had been with for 10 years refused to get married I would say okay, on your way. You actually hold all the cards because you have a very valuable council tenancy. Shame for him though!

I think when someone refuses to get married it's incredibly hurtful. Basically they are saying they are not sure about you. You are 39 and you have spent 10 years with this man. Now he is saying he doesn't want to tie himself to you. Set him free. Value yourself. There's someone much better than this out there. Just don't put them on the tenancy!

Original poster
Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 23:45

@AnnieRegent basically when we have talked about it before he said because he's never been married before that if he were ever to do it he wants a big white wedding with all the nice cars nice suits a nice dress on the bride and nice bridesmaids dresses fancy reception afterwards he basically wants a wedding that is in the thousands possibly even more which we would never in a million years be able to afford so basically its like that or no wedding or proposal at all I jokingly said to him that we don't need a massive wedding and that we could just pop down the registry office one random afternoon when he is off work and just do it then nip to weatherspoons for a cheeky pie and a pint to celebrate as neither of us is getting any younger I'm going to be 40 this year and him 45 so I think a big white wedding for 2 older ppl like us would look ridiculous and also a bit like we were trying to showboat or rub people's noses in it.

OP posts:
Wadermellone · 02/02/2024 07:45

Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 22:30

@AnneLovesGilbert this isn't the 1st time it's been brought up we have discussed it lots in the past it's just I've been giving it a lot more thought lately I don't know why I think it's because of all the scary stories I've read on places like MN about a partner dying and the partner left behind having no rights or any kind of security and knowing we are both neither getting any younger plus I suspect I'm going through peri menopause which I've got an appointment with the doctor next week to discuss so I just feel like I want to get things in order to cover both our backs.

So you don’t own a home (not judging) but do either of you have lots of savings or assets?

You say you want marriage in case something happens to you? Which bits will bring you security?

Shoxfordian · 02/02/2024 08:16

Has he said anything about saving up for this big wedding he wants? It sounds like a stalling tactic really..