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Relationships

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Original poster

A bit of a cliche but I want to get married

37 replies

Anon543210 · 01/02/2024 21:58

Ladies what would you do in this situation? So I've been with my partner for over 10 and a half years he is such a good man and we have been through a lot of ups and downs together and I know people are going to call BS on this but we don't argue ever and he is so good and sensitive to my mental health needs always been there when I've needed him and is the only person to ever make me feel safe and loved. So tonight just to get the lay of the land/a feel for things I messaged him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and that he makes me so happy and that we should just get married already he asked me have I got hidden money or something I said we could just go to the registery office and then go spoons for a pint and a pie after that I'm not bothered about all the bells and whistles and expensive things I just want him he said he wants a white wedding in a church baring in mind I am a divorced woman so most churches wouldn't allow that he wants all the bells and whistles and feels like if we can't afford that then why bother? I love him so much and I really don't want to give him an ultimatum but I also want the security that comes with being married aswell otherwise what is the point? If God forbid 1 of us gets ill or even dies neither of us have any rights to the other I also told him he is 44 I'm going to be 40 this year we are barely a young virginal couple I honestly am torn what would you do?

OP posts:

Nicebloomers · 02/02/2024 08:26

It sounds a bit like he’s inventing an unrealistic wedding scenario to get out of getting married. A wedding is not a marriage. Does he actually go to church? The compromise would be a small ceremony and a bigger party. The fancy cars etc really are superfluous.

mitogoshi · 02/02/2024 08:27

Firstly you can marry in a c of e church, the vast majority of clergy do marry divorcees.

Secondly, the fees to marry in church are just over £600 (you can order extras like bells, flowers etc but these are not compulsory.

Dresses are a couple of hundred on the high street (eg John Lewis, monsoon). Reception can be a church hall, room above a pub etc for a few hundred - I've seen bring and share in the church, byo drinks, the couple paid £120 hall costs that's all, used our sound system and an iPad.

C00k · 02/02/2024 08:32

‘we've had all these discussions in the past and he won't budge on any of it’
Well there you are. Believe him.
You could tell him you were unaware the relationship had no future when you moved him in to your property, and as you have no interest in housing a boyfriend, he needs to house himself and you can just date him and other people.
I wouldn’t be interested in being just a girlfriend, but I made that clear when I was young, prior to purchasing property, and got the legal contract of marriage signed. It was a dealbreaker.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Living together and marriage: legal differences

Differences between how the law treats married and cohabiting couples including financial matters, responsibility for children and housing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

CaveMum · 02/02/2024 08:32

Why not suggest getting the legalities out of the way now and then save for the big fancy party in a few years time, to celebrate an anniversary?

That way you get the security and he gets his party. His reaction to that proposal will tell you all you need to know.

Deadringer · 02/02/2024 08:34

Some marriage shy men say that they want a big white wedding knowing it won't be on the cards. But maybe he is genuine only you would know that. If you really want to get married tell him so and give him a date you want to be married by. You could do a bit of research around what options are available and what they would cost and present them to him, he needs to know the facts and not have some vague idea of a big white wedding in never never land. If he doesn't want to go ahead then it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

WandaWonder · 02/02/2024 08:39

TheSlantedOwl · 01/02/2024 22:26

Tell him it’s a deal breaker for you and is about security and commitment. And that if he doesn’t want to get married you will need some time to rethink things.

Be honest. Stick up for yourself and your needs.

So the two options is forcing someone into marriage or splitting up a relationship that appears to be working just because marriage is not an option?

TheFlis · 02/02/2024 08:43

He doesn’t want to marry you. So you either need to make peace with never getting married or move on. You’re not even 40! Plenty of time to find someone else who absolutely wants to marry you.

SirChenjins · 02/02/2024 08:53

WandaWonder · 02/02/2024 08:39

So the two options is forcing someone into marriage or splitting up a relationship that appears to be working just because marriage is not an option?

Show quote history

That’s what happens sadly when one person (quite rightly) wants the legal protections afforded to them by marriage and the other doesn’t - the person is entitled to end it rather than settling for something they don’t want. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want a marriage but wants a fancy wedding that is way beyond their means and is quite clearly a stalling tactic, so yes, those are the choices in this case.

C00k · 02/02/2024 08:59

@WandaWonder she can date him if she wants but keep her options open for a man who wants the same things in life as her. She has no need to house him or do chores for him or anything

FinallyHere · 02/02/2024 09:11

feels like if we can't afford that then why bother

You are financially independent adults with your own adult children. You do not have any joint assets. The tenancy is in your name.

What difference would being married make for you?

My guess is that you feel unappreciated by him in your day to day life so are hankering after marriage to make you feel better.

He does not care to make you feel loved and appreciated whether in your day to day life or in this gesture of marriage.

I'm sorry if it's hard to hear but this is where you are. I'd encourage you to consider whether this, what you have now with him, is what you want, is enough for you.

I do not think I would be happy in your situation but I do not think that marriage would be the answer.

Whatever you do, do not put his name on the tenancy.

MCOut · 02/02/2024 09:14

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you have had a proper conversation. It sounds like in the past you have brought it up, very easy breezy and the answer you have received is about as in-depth as the surface level that you had.

Marriage is marriage and a wedding is a party. Sit him down with a very serious face and explain to him that you want a marriage and lay out why. If he says no ask him for the proper reason and make it clear, you are not willing to hear rubbish about an unnecessary wedding. If the answer is no, there will be a proper reason for it, but then you can decide whether or or not this is a dealbreaker for you.

ZekeZeke · 02/02/2024 09:25

Sounds like he doesn't want to get married, he likes how things are now. ie no commitment.
What is the financial situation? Do you have more to gain by marrying him?
The tenancy is in your name, keep it that way!

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