Breadcrumbing - why do they do it?

[MightAsWellBeGretel]

Hi MN,

I'm generally an intelligent, intuitive, fairly confident woman. Had the feeling recently that I was being breadcrumbed after seeing a guy for a bit.

It started with fewer messages. I suspected that a slow fade was on his agenda, but then he'd message again unprompted, although it somehow felt a bit different. Then we both had a couple of weeks that were busy (and we're discussed in advance) where we didn't see each other. He asked to push out the next date, admittedly giving me plenty of notice, and is now laying the ground for being unwell over the weekend, I suspect.

Why do they do it? If they're not interested, why not just say, or ghost you? Is it a power trip or not wanting to burn their bridges and keep you on a back-burner?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a mug and if my suspicions are confirmed for this weekend, I won't be waiting around for a third strike to bin him off, but I can't say it doesn't hurt or leave me confused.

What's your issue with getting it in first, why are you waiting for him to say something? have the courage of your conviction that this is the slow fade and just tell him it's not for you anymore. You won't be wrong- even if he makes out you are. You can tell when the enthusiasm has waned.

It is definitely to keep you on the back burner. Agree with @Opentooffers - cut it off now.

To keep you interested. And it's worked, because you're spending your time creating a thread about his behaviour, rather than getting on with doing stuff you love. 'Stuff you love' is competition for your attention. Don't start focussing on it, or you'll beat him at his own game...

Doing the minimum to keep you interested:

They don’t like you much
They like someone else and you’re a backup
They’re seeing how little effort they can put in whilst keeping you keen

None of these are good options.

Yeah, you're all right, thank you.

I guess I haven't cut it off outright because the reasons seem plausible and make me wonder whether I'm just being over sensitive or jumping to conclusions. Gut feeling says I'm being strung along though, so why waste any more time or headspace on this person?

Thank you. I haven't told anyone in RL about this because I feel silly and a bit embarrassed to admit to it out loud. You've confirmed what I thought, though. No more - I'm putting a stop to this.

Don’t feel embarrassed. It’s understandable. Women are often conditioned to put their needs last. Use this as an opportunity to set your boundaries and think about what you want from a relationship.

When this happens I delete their contact and that chat
i tend to assume the worse
and i don’t text and can’t as I’ve deleted

what I’m less good at is handling them when they resurface!!!

Illness can happen but I think it you just know, he's been a bit hot and cold which seems he's not that serious about dating you but to give a last chance I'd message and say let me know by tomorrow lunchtime if you're too unwell so I can make other plans, see what his reaction is like, if he says he can't wait to meet you still or if he's wish's washy, doesn't seem bothered when he'll see you again, then tell him you're not interested in taking this any further.

or not wanting to burn their bridges and keep you on a back-burner?

Yep

It's absolutely shit. I'm going through something similar at the minute. I'm getting scraps of his time when he feels like it. I've only realized it though. It started off really well but quickly descended into last minute meet ups and trying to fit me in before it after his work shifts..
I really like him tho and part of me thinks is it better to have some of him rather than nothing. Pathetic I know.

Why? so they have an easy chance at sex when they feel like it.

Just another dick I presume?

The more you take the energy to explore these dicks give them more energy surely?

For once I think this is something men & women do.
It nice to feel wanted which is what the bread-crumber gets, the 'pigeon' gets the opposite.

When I think about my successful relationships & friendships I always know where I stand, I don't have to tie myself up in knots trying to second-guess what's going on, and how I should respond.

It's hard because we all hope for a genuine connection, but the more time/energy you spend with someone who's not that you are preventing the possibility of something wonderful coming along, even if that's being single and spending that time on the things/people you already love

Always go with your gut.

Let him know that ‘this’ is not working for you. Then block and delete.

Is it a power trip..?
Yes. It's about power and control. It tells you what he thinks of women in relation to himself.

These guys can be nice to the woman they want to marry/have kids with, but it's a facade that will fall with her too, only it takes years in that instance.

You're actually one of the lucky ones: he's shown you what he thinks of women in time for you to forever be free of him.

I would have a conversation with him and see what he says. If it continues then bin

Is there no aspect of a relationship that isn't given a name? Breadcrumbing, gaslighting...
How did we cope trying to explain our problems in the olden days?!

Oh no! Please don’t settle - especially right at the beginning.

I imagine it must be hard if you really like him but you deserve to be really liked too and if his behaviour isn’t showing that then cut it off.

Knowing your own value and worth is critical before you attempt to couple up with someone else.

Hugs to you, it does feel shit. I'm not even that into this guy (much too early for that) and it's caught me off guard by how shit it's made me feel. I suppose that's the point of what they're doing though, isn't it? Keeps you off balance.

If making you feel bad, it's no good good for you - there are definitely better options for you out there. Being alone is a better option.

I think it's a bit risky to be considering 'over sensitivity'. You are as sensitive as you are. Which authority do you defer to, to tell you what's too little or too much? Do you do this with anything else? For example, if you don't like Monster Munch, do you wonder whether you're just too sensitive to particular flavours, and keep eating them, because other people do? Or do you just respect that you are the way you are, and you don't like some things, regardless of what other people think?

This is such a good point. All these responses are really making me look at myself.

I've been out of the dating game for such a long time and was previously in a very long term and happy relationship. This was my first foray into dating again; I feel so green and am probably more vulnerable than I ever realised. If someone's interactions are making me feel rubbish though, that's not good, regardless of whether I'm sensitive or whatever else, they're just not right for me.

By the way, we left it that he'd confirm whether he's feeling well enough this morning...he hasn't, so that's that for me. I'm not going to bother messaging with a 'this isn't working for me', I've blocked and will move on.

Still feels rubbish to be love bombed and then played, but good, well balanced people don't do that to others. Do they?

I think he may be multi-dating or he's genuinely busy. You'll never really know. Find someone who can give you the attention you want.

Good for you.

Never let anybody continue to treat you as less than. Enforce boundaries and stick to them.

Even if he’s sick as a dog, he should at the very least message you to let you know how he is and what the plan is, especially as he knows you’re waiting to hear from him.

Still feels rubbish to be love bombed and then played, but good, well balanced people don't do that to others. Do they

It won't feel good for him, to be dropped and blocked. Good, well balanced people do all kinds of things. It's not about being 'good'; it's about being compatible. Choose people who don't make you feel like doing unpleasant things.