Breadcrumbing - why do they do it?

[MightAsWellBeGretel]

Hi MN,

I'm generally an intelligent, intuitive, fairly confident woman. Had the feeling recently that I was being breadcrumbed after seeing a guy for a bit.

It started with fewer messages. I suspected that a slow fade was on his agenda, but then he'd message again unprompted, although it somehow felt a bit different. Then we both had a couple of weeks that were busy (and we're discussed in advance) where we didn't see each other. He asked to push out the next date, admittedly giving me plenty of notice, and is now laying the ground for being unwell over the weekend, I suspect.

Why do they do it? If they're not interested, why not just say, or ghost you? Is it a power trip or not wanting to burn their bridges and keep you on a back-burner?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a mug and if my suspicions are confirmed for this weekend, I won't be waiting around for a third strike to bin him off, but I can't say it doesn't hurt or leave me confused.

@MightAsWellBeGretel well done on putting a boundary up and saying , no more. I need to do that myself but it's hard when I have feelings for him now. If I wasn't bothered , I would just delete his number and never contact him again , (I've done this numerous times before) but when it's someone I like then it's a different story.
I heard someone say , it's not how much you like them, it's how they're making you feel and this guy is making me feel like shit, less than , inadequate and needy for just wanting basic communication.

@Birthdaycake81 I heard someone say , it's not how much you like them, it's how they're making you feel and this guy is making me feel like shit, less than , inadequate and needy for just wanting basic communication.

I think that's so true. X

You missed out
emotionally unavailable
narcissist
avoidant
avoidant dismissive
anxious avoidant

but you know what I love it ! I see the 22 years olds and their TikTok’s- and it’s a behaviour that’s as old as time , we are never alone

He's a wrong 'un generally covered most bases! But yes, the human condition repeats and repeats. 😀

We married them!!

We were expected to marry them.
We were expected to not highlight their behaviours.
We were told to shut up.
We were told we were lucky they had married us.

Labels become common because they resonate with people. That is a good thing.

Agreed.
The other one is add to your list is 'Don't actually want a relationship'.

Plenty of people OLD are lonely, want company but don't actually want to change their current lifestyle.

Urgh, I'm a complete idiot. I unblocked.

He didn't message that morning as arranged but did eventually in the afternoon, apologising that he'd felt awful and had just slept through.

He then started messaging over the weekend a lot, started making 'plans', (completely driven by him) and I thought maybe I'd got it wrong and had been a bit arsey as we were getting along great again and allowed myself to get reeled back in. On Sunday, we'd spoken about catching up on Tuesday. I checked in yesterday and got a flirty reply that didn't actually confirm or deny plans. As it transpires, something's come up at work and I now can't make it - I messaged him straight away to let him know. He made a bit of a 'joke' about being blown out and I pointed out he hadn't actually confirmed and I suspected it wouldn't actually go ahead, which he absolutely denied.

I stupidly laid all my cards on the table and said I felt like he was just stringing me along - he was 'shocked' and offended. I'm now feeling beyond stupid and disproportionately upset - WHY?

I like it. I wish I'd been able to discern these common behaviour patterns when I was younger. Instead I just gave the bastards the benefit of the doubt.

Back in my day 'breadcrumbing' was known as being kept on the back-burner. Just enough to keep you interested and not enough for it to go anywhere. Suits the breadcrumber just fine. Not so much the recipient who is left feeling a bit confused.

No doubt he's ramped up the messaging with you again because he's at a loose end or his other plans have fallen through.

Don't feel bad OP for laying your cards on the table. He reacted the way he did because he's just been on the receiving end of his own behaviour. Even though you were genuine, he's immediately jumped to the conclusion that you're blowing him out - doing the same to him as he's done to you. He's basically laid bare his guilty conscience and tried to make you feel bad for it!

I'd let this one breadcrumb someone else if I was you. How long do you want to stick around to 'prove yourself right'? And what will that actually achieve?

I'd let this one breadcrumb someone else if I was you. How long do you want to stick around to 'prove yourself right'? And what will that actually achieve?

Yes, lesson learned and that's the end of it now.

So you blocked him for an hour or 2 as you were receiving all his texts by afternoon. You sure told him 😉. But never mind, when you're ready you'll hopefully manage it next time. However, not yet, as its you who became busy, and that is going to make you wonder, because you told him, so youll never know if he was full of BS or would of met - he might of squeezed you into his dating schedule last minute because thats what breadcrumbers do.

So you blocked him for an hour or 2 as you were receiving all his texts by afternoon. You sure told him 😉. But never mind, when you're ready you'll hopefully manage it next time. However, not yet, as its you who became busy, and that is going to make you wonder, because you told him, so youll never know if he was full of BS or would of met - he might of squeezed you into his dating schedule last minute because thats what breadcrumbers do.

Miaow - hope you feel better for that. That sure told me 😉.

would of met

And it's would have, not would of.

Satisfying to be a twat and belittle someone sometimes isn't it 😉

I didn't take this as @Opentooffers being nasty. I thought they were being a bit tongue in cheek (hence the winking emoji).

Aw op, don’t beat yourself up for what happened. But do be a little firm with yourself and remember how he’s made you feel and that you ARE deserving of someone who won’t leave you wondering or feeling used. I think many women were conditioned to put up with a lot of shite treatment from men, but now is the time to say no more!
block, delete, move forward towards a better one, leave HIM wondering. You’re nobody’s pigeon!