Husband not pulling his weight financially

[Havra]

Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out for support as I find myself in a challenging situation with my husband and our financial dynamics. After 15 years together, it has become increasingly difficult for me to cope with our differing attitudes towards money, and I'm considering making a tough decision. I hope to find guidance and understanding.

I work full time in London, earning an above-average salary for the UK. My husband is a self-employed private hire driver. Despite my efforts to manage our family's finances, I feel a significant burden on my shoulders due to the disparities in our contributions.

Currently, I cover the rent, which amounts to £2,000, all the bills, and our child's extracurricular activities. On the other hand, my husband primarily contributes to grocery expenses, although I often end up covering additional costs. When I bring the subject and ask for £££, he promises to contribute only if my income falls short, leading to a situation where he contributes nothing when I have sufficient funds to cover all monthly expenses. This pattern has persisted for several years and most of the time he contributes between £200 and £300 per month.

My husband's financial struggles extend to his business, with a monthly profit of less than £1,000. Unfortunately, his confusion regarding turnover, business expenses, and net profit complicates our financial discussions. His remaining funds after business expenses barely cover personal expenses, I get that.

At home, the division of responsibilities has become uneven. While he’s in charge of the daily school pick-up, I manage cooking, cleaning, laundry, looking after the LO after school ....

Despite me being the main breadwinner and doing everything around the house, he always finds fault in my efforts.

Recently, our disagreements have escalated, leading to stress for our child. An incident involving a grilled fish in the garden sparked unnecessary tension, with him fixating on cleanliness concerns that were unfounded. As a result, our child had a nightmare.

I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Despite endless discussions, I see no improvement in our situation. His dismissive attitude towards my dreams of owning a home adds to the strain.

While I am contemplating leaving, my primary concern is the impact on our child's life without a father figure.

I appreciate any support, advice, or shared experiences you can offer.

Thank you.

Have you given him the ultimatum of contributing more or ending the marriage?

Does he know how serious you are about this?

Thanks for replying.

No, I haven’t given him the ultimatum … maybe I should.

I think you should because how can he know how serious the situation is (giving him the opportunity to contribute more) if he isn't told.

Sorry to stereotype but often men don't get things until you set it down in black and white. You may have had the discussion about finances a dozen times but until you say 'look, I'm tired of carrying this financial burden. I wnat to you cover x, y and z totalling an amount of £X in order to lift some of the burden. If you aren't willing to do that then I want to seperate as I'm already carrying most of the finances alone anyways. This is not something I'm willing to compromise on because I've doing that for years by accepting the amount of money you've been putting forwards.'

I wouldn't worry excessively about the father figure if I was you.

Male role models are important but they do not have to be the child's father.

He doesn't sound great.

Well, I don't see this as a uniquely financial issue. The problem is that you have a H who doesn't seem to feel he needs to contribute in any meaningful way to family life. He is happy for you to take the lead not just on earning the money, but also all the planning, budgeting and thinking about money. Meanwhile, at home, you are doing all the work as well as all the thinking and organizing. I bet you tell him where and when to do pick up every day, and what the child needs to take?

I would say it's time to end this relationship because you'd be better off all round including financially. However, as he has a lovely little life (I bet he doesn't even work that many hours?), be prepared for him to fight you and not leave.

They'd still have a father figure if you left, though? Not being sarcastic; I am a lone parent in a situation where there is no other parent, so I do understand the concern, I just don't see quite how it applies here.

Yes.

She'll still have a dad. Currently her parents are causing her to have nightmares. You need to face this shit head on.

He doesn’t sound like a grey role model for your child I’ll be honest.

Id leave. You’d be better off in many ways

“Great”

You need to issue that ultimatum OP this is miserable for you and your DC.

Is the problem that he's simply not working many hours, or that he is business is just badly run (or both?). Bringing £200-300 a month is utterly useless unless you have agreed you are breadwinner and his role is work PT to bring in some extra money & manage the childcare & home (which clearly isn't the case here). He could earn that working a couple of shifts in the local supermarket! He sounds like a cocklodger and the sooner you knock this on the head the better.

I've been where you are for many years and I ended the relationship earlier this month.

I funded our daily life, all bills, housing costs, kids activities, holidays and trips, house repairs, car costs etc. He contributed to grocery costs and bday/ xmas gifts.

I also did all the planning, logistics, thinking, doctors, education, planning and building for the future.

He was frequently miserable.

In the end, what hurt and disappointed me the most was that he had no drive or ambition to provide for the secure future and education of our kids. I was the only one thinking about it at night.

I didn't feel like I had a real partner.
With time, it just killed any feelings and made me feel increasingly lonely and disappointed.

I hope you figure out what is best for you and find the courage to do it. Sounds like you do everything yourself already, you don't feel much difference but the resentment will go.

Are you sure he's working full time- be very easy in that job just to do a few hours here and there- could it be basically he's a lazy arse and sees you can all get by with you making all the effort.

I would also be telling him he needs to be bringing £1200 a month minimum into the house after costs and if he hasn't got that then he needs to go and find another salaried job - as even on minimum wage he would be bringing home £1400 a month- with no business costs.

Your child can have a father figure, good dads can coparent well we have video calls etc.
I would tell him unless there is a change you are leaving. He needs to help more, be kinder to you, earn more and work out a budget.

If he were really nice, very helpful and doing his best at work im sure op would accept currently bringing more money i think its him not doing enough and being ungrateful and rude at her on top of it.

He makes a profit of £1k, maybe less. He contributes £300 or less. What does he do with the rest of his income?

How many hours does he work? Can he rent out his car when he's not working?

His low earnings are a problem he needs to address. If he's only making £1000 pcm then the "business" is not viable and he needs to change. What is he doing with the £700 he has left over after his paltry contribution? If that is for his personal spending money then that's an indulgence that should no longer be tolerated. Generally, we get spending money only after we've paid for our essential living expenses.

I agree that you should make your position clear in no uncertain terms - an ultimatum if you like. However, he can't be stupid enough to realise that £300 per month as his contribution to the family's living costs is unreasonable. Nor should he be unaware that he is taking the piss - he wouldn't get a room in a house share for that. So make the ultimatum, to be fair to him, but don't expect any meaningful change in his attitude or approach.

Whether your daughter continues to have him in her life as a father figure is entirely on him (assuming you don't do anything to hinder reasonable access). He can continue to be her dad whether you live together or not.

Time for him to accept his business is not viable and get a job. The contribute % proportionally to all household and child expenses. If he is not prepared to do that yoh may well be better off as a single parent both financially and emotionally. At the moment you are supporting 2 children, 11 kf which drains you more.

You are still viewing your finances as separate rather than together despite being married. What you earn is not yours, it's family money. It doesn't matter who pays currently, it's still the family who is paying. It only counts if you split, at that point all things are shared equally as a starting point, but it depends on who becomes the main carer.
So, lose the bitterness about seemingly paying everything, you are the biggest family contributor and he is effectively working for peanuts. Perhaps it would make more sense for him to be employed rather than running a not very profitable business?
The biggest issue is not putting 50% effort into domestic and family life. He needs some home truths on that. In fact it would make more sense for him to do part time hours and become the main runner of the household, then he can start living up to his own standards.

I think the ultimatum should be a choice:

• Either embrace the SAHD with a PT job role- take the lead on household management and childcare, while supporting OP on her career. This means he should claim child benefit (but refuse the money) so he gets the state pension NI credits.

or

• Transition into a dual income family where he gets a better paying job, even if it means retraining, studying for qualifications in his spare time and so on so that he can contribute a fair share to the family pot. While doing a fair share of household management and childcare.

I am a bit curious as to what his cleanliness concerns were about the grilled fish?

Do you really think he's being a good father figure at the moment? I'd give him an ultimatum. if you split, he'd have to give CMS. Or if you stay together, perhaps he needs to take a more official SAHP role and do the vast majority of house work and childcare, as sounds like he's working a lot but for a low income.

CMS would be less than half what he is contributing now based on only £1k/mo income.

You've got two separate problems here, money and who does what. They aren't linked.

The split of who does what should be based on how many hours you each work, not how much money you bring in. I'd work that out and start giving him clear instructions about tasks he needs to do to pull his weight.

Agree with previous posters that if he is working lots of hours but has nothing to show for it then he needs to change jobs or becomes a SAHD.

I favour husband and wife having separate accounts for their own money but a joint account to cover all family bills and costs - you need to work out what a fair split is and make sure he sticks to it.

Thank you all for your replies.

In my opinion, the business is not viable, however, he’s happy with its flexibility and the “being my own boss” aspect.

As someone mentioned, I don’t feel like I’m in a relationship with a fully functioning adult and therefore, I’ll be better on my own. It’s all been going on for so long and I’m feeling more and more disappointed so don’t see a future really in this relationship.

Sure, that's fine. As long as he's also a genuine partner overall.

DH works part time, earns a lot less than me. But that works for us because as a result, we have paid almost nothing in childcare costs since day 1, and I have not had to worry about a lot of the household tasks. The specifics of how it looks has evolved but the basic premise is the same - working together, we've figured out what we need/want and then share the effort to make it happen.

This is different to SIL and exBIL where he didn't like his job, earned minimum wage, dropped his hours but she was still paying for childcare 4 days a week, did all the cleaning, shopping, mental load and most of the cooking.