Husband not pulling his weight financially

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Hi everyone,

I'm reaching out for support as I find myself in a challenging situation with my husband and our financial dynamics. After 15 years together, it has become increasingly difficult for me to cope with our differing attitudes towards money, and I'm considering making a tough decision. I hope to find guidance and understanding.

I work full time in London, earning an above-average salary for the UK. My husband is a self-employed private hire driver. Despite my efforts to manage our family's finances, I feel a significant burden on my shoulders due to the disparities in our contributions.

Currently, I cover the rent, which amounts to £2,000, all the bills, and our child's extracurricular activities. On the other hand, my husband primarily contributes to grocery expenses, although I often end up covering additional costs. When I bring the subject and ask for £££, he promises to contribute only if my income falls short, leading to a situation where he contributes nothing when I have sufficient funds to cover all monthly expenses. This pattern has persisted for several years and most of the time he contributes between £200 and £300 per month.

My husband's financial struggles extend to his business, with a monthly profit of less than £1,000. Unfortunately, his confusion regarding turnover, business expenses, and net profit complicates our financial discussions. His remaining funds after business expenses barely cover personal expenses, I get that.

At home, the division of responsibilities has become uneven. While he’s in charge of the daily school pick-up, I manage cooking, cleaning, laundry, looking after the LO after school ....

Despite me being the main breadwinner and doing everything around the house, he always finds fault in my efforts.

Recently, our disagreements have escalated, leading to stress for our child. An incident involving a grilled fish in the garden sparked unnecessary tension, with him fixating on cleanliness concerns that were unfounded. As a result, our child had a nightmare.

I am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. Despite endless discussions, I see no improvement in our situation. His dismissive attitude towards my dreams of owning a home adds to the strain.

While I am contemplating leaving, my primary concern is the impact on our child's life without a father figure.

I appreciate any support, advice, or shared experiences you can offer.

Thank you.

@NeutralView said it all, but let me add my five cents.

Dear OP, I do not see what the point of the ultimatum may be. It is clear, from what you are saying that this person does not feel that he has to contribute more in this relationship; to be earning pennies and telling you he will put in some more money when "your" money runs out is ridiculous. To go then and complain that you did not clean barbecue. I mean... Really!!! Who died and made him a king?

What you need to tell him is this:" I have no use for you here. Please pack your bags and leave ASAP. " End of story!

@LorlieS I totally agree- I've always worked - I was back at work with my son when he was 13 weeks(full time) because maternity leave was so poxy at the time. I've known women with kids in their 20s still saying they are a SAHM- except no kids on the scene- this is all fine and good if it's with both peoples ok and there's plenty of cash to go around and the woman is taking the bigger hit domestically or with childcare - but in the OPs case it's clearly not ok with her- he's doing sod all at home and not bringing home the bacon either- he's an idiot

She will have a father figure. She has a father.

leave him.

I’m just trying to understand the power dynamics that have made you carry him for so long. As @livelovelough24 noted above, he obviously believes he is something truly special and you are a peasant slave.

Is he from an extremely patriarchal society?

How did he come into you life? How did the extreme imbalance come about?

Is he planning to retire in another country and saving for a mansion for himself and his family (obviously you and your son are not getting the privileges of a family).

Many hard working immigrant men not only support a family on that job but manage to save for a home abroad.

With the meagre sums he’s been giving you, no doubt he could have built a home somewhere abroad over the course of 15 years.

So, your funds are depleted to the last penny, but his are kept in reserve for himself. What was his explanation for this outrageous notion?

Something doesn’t add up.

You don't say whether you have a DS or DD, but would you be happy for your DD to be in a relationship like this, or for your DS to treat his wife this way?

Your DC will still have a father figure regardless, but think about what you want them to see and value as an adult in their own relationships

If he has £1k what does he do with this money? He should be contributing more fairly. He's using you.

He's not a good father figure now and can continue being a crap father figure after you split up. Except you won't be full of resentment, your DC will see you happy and independent and maybe you can work to owning your own home. 15 years is a long time to be with someone who is taking the piss out of you. Don't waste more years.

So you do almost everything, pay for almost everything, and he criticises....
Terrible role model for your child, and awful relationship to model as well. Much better to get out of this for them, and for you!

First things first - you sound extremely literate, wow.
Not the issue here, I know. If you want my opinion, I think you would be just fine without your husband. 😊

Thank you all for your responses 🙏🙏🙏

What would have happen had you diverted several hundred into a savings account each month? You don’t have to tell him you’ve done this, you just tell him there will be an extra monthly shortfall ongoing that he will have to pony up by setting up a standing order, no ifs or buts, just get it sorted.

Is he so overbearing or intimidating that you would have been hesitant to do this?

It sounds like he’s really turned you off and disappointed you, not to mention sucked the life out of you like a leech, and that it may be too little too late even if he starts making noises about sorting his contributions out.

What’s the point of him?

Get rid ASAP. You’ll be absolutely fine without the dead weight. It sounds as though you’ve already checked out of the relationship.

Our adult DD contributed more than your useless H when she lived at home.

He is not a positive role model for your DC.

You’ll have less household chores and seething resentment once he’s gone.

I’ve had to demand to see bills in the past, as DH was raised to be a provider and wanted to take the pressure off me in regard to paying household bills. I’ve worked since I was 14. I currently work PT, contribute financially and manage the household. I’m the main carer for our two school aged DC and do majority of the school runs. DH owns two businesses, is the main earner, does some school runs and helps to ferry our DC around re. their extra curricular activities.

Don’t continue to beat yourself up over this. You’ve seen the light. I wouldn’t bother to give him an ultimatum at this stage. He’s definitely delusional and won’t change much, if at all. It’s time to move on

As an aside, I’m intrigued to know what’s he’s been doing with the remaining £700 per month!??

£700 a month, saved over the course of 15 years is £126,000.

Enough to get on the UK/London property ladder then!

Shocking. My blood is boiling for you, OP.

He pays for the groceries and I imagine the rest covers personal expenses/subscriptions.

I’d be impressed if he’s managed to save somewhere…

I pay for our groceries including other household bills and family expenses. Is he shopping around to get the best prices/deals?

You shouldn’t have to imagine what he’s doing with the rest of the money. You have the right to ask to see a breakdown of where the rest of ‘your family’ money is going. You are married, therefore, all income earned and debt accrued is family money/debt.

What are these personal expenses? Are they so much that he can’t afford to contribute more than £300 per month?

Create a spreadsheet to manage the family finances and ask to see ‘receipts’! Although, doing all that would be too late for me, as I would be done and out.

Depends, is the male earned in that reversed situation also doing all the childcare, housework and admin? Or is the SAHM doing it, as is more common?

Following for when you tell this lazy cocklodger to sling his hook.

I should have also added the bold text below. And it’s too late to make edits.

I pay for our groceries including other household bills and family expenses with my part-time salary.

I do most of the household chores and childcare because I work part-time/earn less money than my DH.

His ‘I’m the man making all the decisions in my own business’ mantra is clearly not working for you or your family. He needs to close down the business and get a job/s, so he can contribute a heck of a lot more than he has been during the last 15 years.

Thank you for clarifying -I wondered about the fish ....
How dare he give you a lecture .
I am livid for you .
You are strong and capable and don't need this piece of baggage dragging you down .
Make a life of your own !!

£700 for personal expenses?! I bet he's a gambler or squirrelling it away. When you've finally had enough he will swan off with the money and find another woman to keep him.

It may be that you have underestimated him, and that may be exactly how he wants it.

Do not always assume everyone is as transparent as you are, goodness knows it doesn’t sound like there is much to recommend this man’s character.

That’s what it’s like in my house
Husband earns £300 a month more than me, all bar 1 bill he pays for everything, we have our own bank accounts, so at the end of every month I’ve got money I can put by in my savings account
He even does the cleaning as he’s home before me and he’ll do the washing too, I do cook every day and he does the dishes!

He’s such a p* taker OP 😞. I felt angry on your behalf 😠.

He contributes more if your salary doesn’t cover stuff? That’s big of him. A living at home teenager contributes more than £200-£300. On top of that you are doing virtually all the housework. Very cushy indeed.

Anyway, before you say or do anything see a solicitor. Knowledge is power.

Your child would still have a father figure as he or she would see their dad.