Do all siblings think there is a favourite?

[WhatHaveIDone21]

I've got 2 DDs - one in primary and one in secondary. My DH has a very poor relationship with his family - a lot of this comes down to feeling like he was treated differently to his sister. As a result I've always tried to treat my DC the same and make sure they both know that I love them.

DC1 has always gone on about how her sister is the favourite. There are 3 years between them and she used to say she preferred it before her sister was born.

Things like this really upset me. If something doesn't go her way, she will say it's because she's not the favourite. I've tried brushing it off, talking to her about it sensibly, shouting and yet it makes no difference.

Something else has come up tonight and it's the same old thing. My DH said all siblings feel like there's a favourite and I shouldn't let it bother me but it really does. I am an only child so have nothing to compare it to. Is this a normal part of sibling relationships? Is there anything I can do about it?

Depends on quite a bit in the average family. Like if it's healthy, functional, fair, loving etc etc, and of course the obvious, if there actually is a favourite.

I'd say that in some, it's natural (not always right) for parents to perhaps bond with some children better than others if they have similar personalities/interests etc.

I'm one of 3 and have a very strong relationship with my mum, I joke that I'm the favourite because I'm the baby. But we each have a different a tight relationship with our mum.

Depends on perceived favoritism.

Younger being ‘allowed X’ before she was - her own room or pick of hobbies etc

Kids perceived slights.

It’s normal.

Especially at round 10/11 they start to see the world differently.

As an adult I don't think my parents have a favourite, altho my dad's personality is more like my sisters and I'm more like my mum.

With my own kids DS thinks DD is the favourite. She's not, she's just 5 years older and so has more freedom than him and he can't get his head round him not being able to do the same stuff as her. He just doesn't realise that when she was 11, she wasn't allowed to do x, y and z either!

I’m one of three and probably the closest to my mum. I used to ask her this all the time and she has always said there is absolutely no way she could choose a “favourite” out of us. I believe her! Perhaps some parents do have a favourite child but not in her (or my dad’s) case.

In our family all 3 of my dc think they’re the favourite!

I think I'd rather they each think they are the favourite

DD1 is in Y8 and it's things like asking her to do something that I don't ask her younger sister to do. I point out that she didn't have to do it when she was DD2s age but it doesn't register. I also point out the extra things she gets like a later bedtime, a phone, more freedom to go out as she's older but she doesn't see those things.

Any little thing is seen as a reason why she's not the favourite! It's so tiring! DD1 is very like me personality wise and DD2 is more like her dad.

We are three adults siblings and in my case no, I don't think there is a favourite.

With kids is different they like bicker and is some kind of jealousy going within sisters and brothers.

Your dd1 has worked out that this is a trigger for you and (not saying she does it to purposely hurt you) she says it to get out of things she doesn't want you to do or to get more things that she wants. Shes getting to that age where kids can be terribly manipulative. Again, not saying they do it on purpose, but they are just trying to find their place in the world, test boundaries, see what they can get away with..

Plus kids are very aware of any perceived injustice, whether accurate or not. They notice what they don't have and can completely ignore what they get that the other child doesn't.

I think my own kids believe that ds2 is my favourite. I genuinely love them all equally but DS2 has required a lot of emotional support and has has things happen in his life that he has struggled with, so it appears that he gets a lot of time and attention. But sometimes treating your kids fairly means giving them additional support when they need it and not necessarily making sure each child has the exact same input irrespective of individual circumstances.

There is always a favorite. I have yet to see a family where theres not an obvious favorite. Its usually most notable in families who say there isn't. My sister is my mums favorite, I am my dads favorite. Its just personalities.

I disagree @boobot1 There was no favourite in my family (and siblings agree). I know a family where there is a favourite in every generation and it's obvious and damaging. This has led to conversations with friends, and most agree there are no favourites in their families. I don't think it's 'normal' or healthy for parents to have favourites, so it's not healthy to suggest it's always the case.

My kids all think the other sibling is the favourite 😂.On the other hand,my sister is definitely the favourite-the one sibling my mother took on holiday,paid for driving lessons,bought a car,paid for a wedding.The list is endless.

I disagree there's always a favourite. I'm one of 4 and am close to my siblings. I've never heard any of them say they think another one is the favourite. One sibling has had more support (financially and practically) but they needed it and the rest of it would never begrudge it.

No. With my three it’s a total piss take. They all (adults) either claim to be the favourite or swear one of their siblings are. Nobody seriously thinks they are but it makes for a fun discussion ( often with wine).

I think it's wrong to have favourites, but if you do, keep it to yourself. My husband's grandmother openly declared her favourite and would frequently make sure Ermington knew it.

My dad pushed me to have an abortion as a teenager, that caused a deep rift between us. Time passed but the pain and resentment lingered and it made it hard for me to fully forgive him but I tried my best. Meanwhile, my sister had many children from 18+ and our dad showered them with love, babysitting often. I often wondered if he preferred her. Then, one day, while watching my teenage nephew, he accidentally said: "My mum is grandad's favourite, he said he gets on with her more and can talk to her more easily." He got me to promise not to say anything and I acted nonchalant and pretended it didn't hurt. It hit me.

Some people create problems for others, only to resent the consequences. It's like a scrunching up paper and then being resentful of the creases.

Everyone not Ermington.

Not RTFT but no - speaking as a sibling and a mother of siblings - I don’t think it’s normal for siblings to genuinely believe deep-down and in an ongoing way that there is a favourite child. I think that’s awful. But I do think it’s quite normal for a child to say this occasionally in a heated moment when only one sibling is being told off and the other isn’t.

You said it in jest but neither child should think they’re your favourite because they shouldn’t be thinking in terms of parents having favourite children. It just creates huge anxiety.

I think this is common with bigger age gaps. My sister is 8 years younger and we've realised as adults that we each thought the other was the favourite. Totally down to misconceptions about the perceived privileges which were really about age appropriate freedoms/responsibilities.

I think it's hard for kids (of all ages) to see beyond the present moment and understand that age/stage of life is the key driver for all these 'privileges' and 'special treatments' the other sibling gets.

I think you need to focus on total removal of thd word 'favourite' from the house. Talk to them about the concepts of equality versus equity - how all your children are equal, but that means siblings are treated equitably according to their age/needs/stage in life.

Get her to think about how she benefits from her current stage in life. She's now responsible, independent, trustworthy, etc., and that means more freedom as well as more chores/responsibilities.

It still feels unfair in the moment when she has to empty the dishwasher while her sister doesn't, but it's not because the other is a favourite.

No, me and my sister were treated completely equally. However we do like to wind each other up, and our parents about who is the favourite. It really hits a nerve with them, even though they know we are joking!

My only sibling died recently and I know he was my mother’s favorite. He always was. It never really bothered me that much but I feel sad for her that her ‘favorite’ isn’t here anymore. I have 4 kids and I’ll admit to having a favorite. I can’t help it, it’s a personality thing for sure. One of mine is just much easier to get along with. I love them all but if I had to bring one on a very long road trip with I’d pick my favorite!

As an adult I know my parents don’t have a favourite. I can’t remember ever thinking it as a child either but I might have done at some point.

We’re all treated equally, always have been, and were encouraged to champion and support each other growing up when we all took very different paths.

Having temporary favourites I think is normal (that morning when DS2 (age 5) but me when DS1 was unloading the dishwasher for me comes to mind!). But no, not beyond that. I know that my parents were very quick to explain if things were different to avoid any such preconceptions from DSis and me. And that DM scrupulously sent me cash every time she bailed DSis out!

I have kids and have a favourite, it’s whoever I’m getting on best with at the time. They are teens after all! Very occasionally, none of them are my favourite Like you op, I go to meticulous lengths to ensure all my kids are treated equitably but my youngest feels very hard done by and believes I show favouritism towards her older sibling.

I have a younger sister who has always believed I’m the favourite and it has affected our relationship. She has always needed more help than me, both practical and financial which I have never begrudged but she is very resentful of any help I receive.

Thanks for all the replies. @LadyBird1973 I think you have explained it really well.

@Klone I think you're totally right about removing the word favourite from our house. Definitely something we will be trying to do.

It has given me some comfort that it's not just my kids who say this. I have taken everything everyone has said on board!

Was thinking it was an unusual name, and quite outing!