Is it normal for my husband to not be interested in my hobbies?

[Alittlecuddlefromme]

Me and my husband have been together for 16 years, we have 3 kids and we’ve had no big relationship dramas.
Around 3 years ago I got quite depressed as our kids were all in school full time and I felt very unhappy. I blamed our marriage and asked him to leave, when we met up to talk a few days later, I explained my feelings and came to the realisation that my happiness was my responsibility and not his. He came back home and I worked on how I could make myself happy.
I always wanted to do outdoor things, but he’s a homebody. So we didn’t often do the things I wanted to do.
I got a 12 month contract at an outdoor activity centre, this created a hobby of caving, abseiling, climbing, paddling and lots of other things. I met my current best friend in that job, we’re still very close, I go on ‘adventures’ with my best friend whenever we both have the time.
When I come back from these adventures I’m so excited to tell my husband about it, and about what I achieved and how proud I am of how far I’ve come.
But each time I come home, he’s either gaming, watching TV or talks/acts in a way that makes me feel awkward to tell him about it. So I don’t tell him. He never asks. I used to just tell him anyway, but if he was gaming with his friends they would all joke about what I was saying and pass it off as ‘banter’. If he’s watching TV he seems to be bored of what I’m saying and plays on his phone or just doesn’t say anything and talks about his day or puts TV back on.
After this going on for a while I stopped telling him.

I feel so low and out of place when I get home, I feel anxious that I’m not going to be able to go out again incase this means he’s mad that I’ve been gone for 2 days. He never says he’s mad, but I can feel that he is. I go for 2 days because my best friend moved, he used to love 30 mins away, now he lives 3 hours away. Don’t worry about him being a he, he’s gay, and my husband really likes him, so him being a he isn’t an issue.
I’m terrified I’ll have to stop going out, I’m just going to end up depressed again.
Our kids aren’t really interested in my hobbies either, or they’re too young to join in. Plus the things I do can be quite dangerous and I’m worried if I take them I’ll be busy worrying about them rather than having fun, so I’ll wait till their a bit older. My kids are homebodies too, they all game and are like their dad.
I can’t really do things local, because locally my only options are drinking or shopping, I don’t drink and shopping is boring.
When I’m go to my best friends, I feel important, I feel fun, I feel funny and I feel like myself. At home, if it’s just me and my kids I get hyper and we play or banter or just have fun. With my husband, I just feel like I’m an inconvenience, or I feel like I’m annoying him, or like he just can’t be bother to talk to me about the things I enjoy. It’s almost like I’m invisible sometimes, like it doesn’t matter what I want, enjoy, think or feel. We do talk about his hobbies, the kids, things going on in the world ect.

Any idea why he’s not interested in my hobbies? Or I how I manage to talk about it without annoying him? I’m so proud of everything I do, and this past weekend I did something I’ve never done before, I’m so proud of myself and I so wanted him to be proud too. My best friend has been sending me voice notes saying things like ‘I can’t believe you managed it, I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait for us to push our limits again’, I’ve played these and replied to them in front of my husband and he’s not once asked what we did. To be clear, I don’t expect him to join in, just care about what I do.

Tricky one.

Did you have shared interests when you first got together? Or were you at least involved in each others' interests?

16 years is quite a long time to establish some bad precedents in a relationship- if he's never taken an interest in anything you like before now, I wouldn't expect him to spontaneously start now.

I don’t think it’s that uncommon. I’m not interested in what my partner does as it’s not something I like. I make a token “how was your night” but I don’t want chapter and verse in reply.

I have to say I’ve always had my own interests away from relationships and never expected a partner to be interested in hearing about what I’ve been doing other than a cursory ‘had a good time?’

I am not here to say these things are very common but quite common. Some friend of my mother in law went alone to pubs, quizzes, gyms and the world, because he was boring and would prefer be at home

My partner and I have very different hobbies. Neither of us is very interested in the other's, but that's the whole point! It's something you do for yourself, without having to worry about accommodatiing the other person. Just enjoy your activities.

I had little to no interests when we first met, we were 16 and 17.
I kinda just did what he did.
We gamed, binged TV, went out for food. All the things he still likes to do.

I just want to shake this low feeling. I feel so alone in my own home, every one of my thoughts are things that will likely bore him. I don’t want to stress him out as his mental health was so low last year.
I just want to feel seen and important.

I think there is a huge difference between not finding your partner's hobby particularly appealing or interesting and deliberately belittling it or making them feel bad for doing it. He's definitely doing the latter. I expect it's either because he thinks you should be at home making him centre of attention, or he is jealous of your independence, or he's just a person who likes running other people down.

Dh and I both have hobbies that the other isn't remotely interested in (and some we are). I'll still ask him how his fishing trip went and he will ask me how my guild meeting went. We will both happily listen to quite a detailed answer. Neither of us is rude about the other's hobbies.

Sorry OP, but he sounds pretty unpleasant tbh. You were right that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. But choosing to be with a partner who makes you happy is an important way of exercising that responsibility.

I disagree with PP. I would expect a partner to show some enthusiasm. Not because they're interested in the hobby, but because they are interested in you as a person.

Does he really not ask how you're weekend was or what you got up to? To me that sounds like he doesn't give a shit about you TBH. And it makes you feel that way regarding of what his intentions are. Are you ever happy when you're with him?

My late husband was always banging on about sport or things like snooker or tennis. I am not interested at all. He wasn’t interested in my hobbies either and I used to just tell him to shut up or phone a friend.

I find my husband's gaming boring and he finds my sports boring, but part of having a hobby and being in a relationship is needing/wanting to share the interesting bits with your person. I listen politely and he listens politely, even though we find it a bit dull, because we care and it's important.

If I came back from a big event and he didn't even ask how it went, I would clear my throat and look at him pointedly until he did ask (okay, maybe not literally but it's pretty rude to not ask!).

It sounds like your husband is pointedly ignoring your newfound passions from what you describe. Could it be jealousy (either of you spending time elsewhere or because it's all really exciting)? Or has he just checked out a bit? Is he interested in other areas of your life or he ignoring you in general?

We don’t really talk much about hobbies that the other person has no interest in. I think a lot of people are like that? Can you not find a hobby that you both like to do?

I have zero interest in my husbands football and I don't really involve him in my hobby which is horses and he has a strong aversion to horses.

He may genuinely not be interested, it can be really boring when someone is going on and on about something you have no interest in.

We do other things together, and I really like my space that he's not involved with.

How much do you ask him/listen to him talk about his gaming? Or anything else he’s interested in?

I think expecting him to be interested as soon as you’ve arrived home when he’s obviously busy doing something else is a bit silly.

Lots of couple have interests and hobbies they don’t share and it’s fine. As long as you respect each other and can tell each other the most important bits like when there’s something special going on, I don’t think it matters if you can’t share the details.

My husband has a hobby which I don't share. It just doesn't interest me. But, my husband being happy and enthusiastic does interest me because he's my partner, so when he talks about his hobby I listen. I've even learned enough now to hold a proper conversation about it.
Your husband isn't disinterested in your hobby; he's showing that he's disinterested in you. That's why you feel so low.

I'm not remotely interested in DH's hobbies and don't expect him to be interested in mine.

I'll ask if he's had a good time or whether he's going this week (he sea fishes so it's weather dependent) but otherwise I mostly tune out when he talks to me about it.

I think it's very common for people be disinterested in their partners hobbies.But what is concerning here is that your husband openly belittles you and ignores you if you even mention your hobby and your acheivements.. He's effectively shutting you down and deliberately trying to make you feel irrelevant. He sounds quite nasty OP, do you have a good relationship otherwise or is your concern just around your hobby?

I’ve no interest in my DH’s hobbies either, especially as they cost lots of money.

I agree.

OP I’m afraid it looks like this isn’t just about your hobbies, he isn’t very interested in you at all. It’s perfectly possible to have different interests and not be very interested in what the other person is doing. But if you love them you’d at least give them “oh, sounds good” or “I’m glad you had a good time”. Your H isn’t even throwing you crumbs.

Is he kind and loving? Do you do anything at all together? Because I don’t see any evidence that he’s interested in you.

Keep doing your fun hobbies and seeing your friend. If you give it up to appease him, he’ll still sit there playing games and ignoring you, won’t he?

And do encourage your kids to join in. If done in an age appropriate way these sports are safer than crossing the road, and teach them how to do potentially dangerous things safely. If encouraged to do adventurous activities from an early age, they grow up understanding risk and how to control it, instead of being risk-averse.

I know that being on a high after participating in my hobbies drives my partner bonkers (I actually think I'm quite annoying with it, so tone it down). My kids mostly don't share my hobbies either. I now love the idea that I do these things, and I don't need the validation of people at home. The difference is that me and my partner do have quite a few shared hobbies too...whereas, I hate to say it, but you and your husband sound quite incompatible.

I think @BaronessBomburst said it very well - he is showing signs of not being interested in you.

It is cliché to say you need to talk to him - but you do need to - and perhaps better if it is away from your home - somewhere neutral and you have to stay calm (at least at first). It seems it is not just talking about hobbies but his actual willingness to share lives. You have to tell him he makes you feel invisible and not cared about and give specific examples- sometimes you just need to fight for your own voice. Men need to be told sometimes. Sometimes they need to be told very very loudly and with actions!!

I know it is not the same situation but I do remember years ago, DH started to get absorbed in some game on his phone and would ignore me when I spoke and was talking less and less. It was such a silly game as well! He was so obsessed he would wake up in the middle of night to check on it to collect coins or something and was barely interacting or talking to us and had huge eye bags. After a few weeks of a cycle of me getting angry, him promising not to do it and things being ok for a day or so, I finally hit the roof when he was just getting worse and said I would destroy his phone if he carried on that way. He genuinely felt bad, but did it again (as in the very next day). He knows me very well that I don't do empty threats - so I let him go his merry way for a couple more days until I couldn't cope anymore. So one day while he showered, I destroyed his IPhone (with a spade on the patio- because who knew it was almost impossible to destroy it with a small hammer!). I'll never forget the look on his face when he asked where his phone was and I calmly said - 'on the patio'. He wasn't even angry, he was shaking his head in shock and laughing. This was 8 years ago and he got the message. I know I was over the top! A couple of years later, he told me he was impressed and proud of me for doing it and still finds it hilarious now. Sorry I digressed.

I guess I am saying drastic action is sometimes necessary to send a message, but only when other methods have been exhausted.

Normal to not be interested in each others hobbies but not so normal to be completely uninterested in each other as a person. He punishes you for doing what you love. That's not right. You need to resolve that or consider what to do next. Maybe you need another break to decide what you both really want.

Hmm.

I think it's nice to be politely interested - to an extent.

But when DH starts banging on about Warhammer/bloodbowl/some bizarre tournament where he won something as a wizard that turned into a mouse my eyes glaze over. Apparently he's highly thought of in "specific regional nerd circles" but I can't say I care too much.

Why do you need him to be interested? I've certainly come home from yoga and shown DH I can do an unsupported headstand, but beyond a 30 second Oohh ahhh well done I don't expect much more from him.

I don’t think this is about a hobby. It’s about you feeling alive, being yourself, and being seen as the strong, capable human you are. If you were able to feel this way with your partner in different situations to your hobby, you wouldn’t feel the way you do. Instead it sounds the opposite - he drains the life from you, and maybe your family too.

My life, aside from my hobby, is purely as a mum and wife. I’m not working atm due to my my eldest’s mental health. I’m home schooling her as she was having a bad time in school so had to take her out of school about 1/2 weeks ago, before then I was going into school every day to calm her down. So I haven’t worked since June last year. My husband prefers me not working as he is quite old fashioned. He doesn’t mind me working though.
S the fact that aside from going out once a fortnight to do ‘adventures’ I’m just mum/wife. I have no local friends and everyone local to me is drinking/taking drugs all the time due to us living in a ‘commuting town’ with no real opportunities for work unless you can drive.
Going from feeling seen, heard, fun, and everyone enjoying my company when I’m out to coming home and feeling like a spare part is really weighing on me.
If I say I want to talk he will talk, I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m begging for attention or feeling like I’m hard work.
My kids are great, they appreciate my opinion and love on me all the time, my husband just wants to play his games or watch tv.
I don’t interrupt what he’s doing when he gets home, he just doesn’t stop gaming/watching tv untill he’s going to sleep. By that time I’ve usually fell asleep on the couch.
I spoke to him about it yesterday, he said ‘when you came home I was watching tv, you went the toilet and when you came down DD was on the couch and you made her feel unwelcome by saying you wanted to talk away from the kids, then you fell asleep, was I supposed to tell her to go bed and turn off my film’
Id said I was going the loo then wanted to tell him about my weekend, Im not 100% honest with my kids about my adventures as some of the things I do are quite dangerous and I don’t want them doing similar things in a unsafe way when they’re out with their friends.
I had text him the next day (he was on his game again) to ask if we could have a chat later about my weekend, he said ok, but that chat never came about. We did talk about other things though.
I think he thinks it’s irrelevant, which I can kind of understand, but I just want him to be proud of me, or see me how everyone of my friends see me.
He does ask to do things together, like watch tv, but tv bores me so much, I have adhd and can’t concentrate on watching tv. We have quite an active sex life, we’re very compatible sexually, and he seems to think if we’re having sex regular we must be fine. Which I agree with to an extent I just want him to be proud of me, or to appreciate my excitement over telling him, my husband, what I achieved.

Im just feeling so unseen right now. It’s always been kind of this way, like if I express my feelings about his family (I love my in laws but everyone has faults and sometimes I have a wince) or our relationship he says I’m creating drama because I’m bored.
so if I talk to him about this I could bet my life that he’d say something like ‘here we go again, your bored and creating an argument, you get like this all the time’. It’s almost like he doesn’t believe me as soon as I start with ‘I feel’ like my feelings aren’t real, or don’t matter.
Hes an amazing dad and we were friends when we were younger, but that friendship seems to be non existent now.

You sound lovely OP.

It sounds like you'd really benefit from having some friends outside of the home. One person can't be our everything. We all need other outlets.

I can't say I'm interested in many of DHs hobbies. I'm politely interested because I love him, but we all need more than 1 person.