MIL’s behaviour

[Isntitallalittlestrange]

Hi,

I have NC for this as I’m concerned about outing myself. I’ve been through a lot recently & would appreciate another perspective as I’m not sure if I’m over reacting.

For context, known DH & his family for a few decades. MIL typical family Matriarch to 4 sons including my DH. Our relationship has always been cordial, not overly involved but I’ve done what I can to help when required over the years. She has a lot on her plate due to FIL’s health issues.

I asked my DH to move out recently after discovering he’d spent all our savings & racked up completely unnecessary debts. This isn’t a new issue, hence me asking him to leave. Because he’s in so much debt, he can’t afford a place of his own. He moved in with MIL who was very unhappy about this but has more than enough space for him.

I am grateful that MIL has put a roof over his head. MIL is very comfortable re finances, so this doesn’t make her life more challenging financially. However, since this happened a few months ago, I haven’t heard from MIL, not once.

In the past, when something significant happened, I would always hear from her. Either a visit, phone call or text. But this time nothing. Additionally, on the few occasions I have been to the house to drop something off, she said ‘hello’ but wouldn’t even look at me. This is so out of character for her and took me by surprise.

Her behaviour has made me feel as though I’ve done something wrong, as if I’m the bad guy here. This has been particularly difficult for me to process because I am also trying to cope with the fact that my DH has wiped me out financially and lied to me for a prolonged period. I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that my marriage might be over as I’m not sure I can ‘get over’ what my DH has done this time.

I don’t expect her to take my side or put her son down. She’s not that type of Mother and it’s not about that. I just feel deeply hurt by what has happened and by her effectively ignoring me. I was always planning on speaking with MIL & FIL about the situation as soon as I felt ready to. Initially I was just too upset and didn’t want to speak badly of my DH to them, so decided to wait a while. My DH told them everything, but I felt I owed them an explanation too. However, as time has gone by and I’ve been effectively ignored, I don’t feel much like being courteous.

I have helped DH set up repayment plans for his debts and made a plan for him to clear them. It’s up to him whether or not he sticks to it. But I’ve tried my best to help him despite what he’s done. I am struggling to cope with the reality of what has happened. I’ve had a significant amount of upheaval in my life over the past 5 years. I thought things were finally getting better before I had the rug ripped out from underneath me, again.

I think I’d just appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences in similar situations. Is it common for in law’s to turn like this? I feel really disappointed as this entire situation is hard enough without being treated this way.

Thanks if you made it this far.

Of course she wouldn’t contact you, the marriage is clearly over, ex in-laws tend to not bother with their child’s ex spouse.

I'd actually pop round to explain what's happened and just say you'd rather things weren't so cold between you. And that there's no hard feelings from you towards DH and that you wish him well.

Although in her shoes id be trying to rally round the both of you and would've already said the above to you first, maybe she just feels awkward and is unsure how to broach it.

A case of my darling boy, right or wrong?

She’s picked her side and that’s not really a surprise.

I would just accept her position. She's clearly not interested in your side of anything or helping to resolve things. It doesn't really matter what she thinks of you, just let it go. I wouldn't involve her in your thoughts at all. I'd only think about how you want to move forward with your marriage.

I think it'd be very hard to get over what he's done. I'd be speaking to a solicitor about your position re divorce/joint debts etc etc.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrendous.

If there are no children involved, why would you expect a continuing relationship with her?

OP, was your MIL aware of her son's behaviour over the years or is this the first she's heard about it? I mean, did she think everything was fine and then suddenly you've chucked him out. You say he's told her everything, but what has he actually told her? His truth or the truth.

Either way, MIL is going to 100% take her darling boy's side and see you as the villain.

File for divorce ASAP. Along with financial severance..

He’s her little boy and from her perspective you have made him homeless. Sad but the way of things x

You are no longer living with her son.

Her primary loyalty is to her son. Not to you, despite the relationship that you have built up.

I got divorced recently after a 20 year marriage. I have never heard from any of my in laws again except Mil sent me a card on my birthday wishing me a nice life.

It could indeed be loyalties but giving the benefit of the doubt.. if he has told her everything perhaps she is a little ashamed and embarrassed by his behaviour and how he has treated you and just doesn’t know what to say. Especially if she barely makes eye contact.

If she knows the real reason, she might be embarrassed.

Whether or not she may or may not be embarrassed, she is probably pissed off at you for sending her son back to her with his tail between his legs.

I don't disagree with you that he couldn't stay in your home anymore because of his actions but he is probably cramping her style by being back home again.

This is not your fault and she has to process and deal with this herself. It's also possible that your DH has been spinning her quite a tale about why he's back home so because you haven't reached out to her and she hasn't been in touch with you she may be thinking lots of terrible things about you which are completely unfounded.

I think you've been very generous to your DH in helping him set up payment plans (considering what he did and that he's a fully fledged adult in his own right). Going forwards I would have to take a closer eye on finances (if staying together is even possible) but I'd pull back on most everything else.

Have your parents checked in with your ex?

I honestly wouldn't expect them to it's not about right or wrong if you're not together then the relationship alters

I would say that she feels shame? Its not a normal behavior of a grown up man and or she may have been fed a lie too regarding why he has had to move out.

Either way, why focus on what she is doing or not doing?

Your DH is clearly very good at lying so why you think his lying will only apply to you and not his DM?

Thank you for all the response so far.

I figured it was probably a case of ‘my darling boy’, there have been glimpses of that over the years.

I think my thinking is a little skewed right now as I’m trying to process what’s happened. So I appreciate the honesty.

My DH has told me it’s all in my head. He hates confrontation and has form for pretending things aren’t happening. It’s definitely not ‘all in my head’.

I realise I’m giving it too much thought. It just feels like a kick in the teeth after everything that’s happened. But what can you do?

I should probably add that there is no property to divide or children. It‘s not like I’m taking everything. There’s nothing to take because he cleared out our saving, which is all we had.

@Inaspot21 and @coldcallerbaiter embarrassment could definitely have a role to play. However, this isn’t the first time this has happened and previously she didn’t behave like this. Maybe it’s because it’s happened multiple times now.

@CurlewKate just plain decency? However, I’ve experienced enough to know family, through marriage or blood, often treat you far worse than any stranger would. I’ve gotten over worse. It just seems a shitty way to behave but hard times always reveal true colours.

@ginasevern yes, similar has happened before. This isn’t the first time. She is aware of previous times. She even helped him out previously. As have I. But it keeps happening and so I have to protect myself. I cannot be certain he’s told the truth. In the past, he’s only told the truth when backed into a corner with nowhere to turn.

I think you're giving her way too much headspace. Who cares what she thinks! You have enough on your plate without her opinion. Since there are no children, I doubt very much that she will continue a relationship with you.

My aunt did this to her lovely DIL when DIL finally gave up on her serial gambling addict DH. DIL had supported her intensely through the death of her own DH and mental health vicissitudes. It was heartbreaking to see. My darling boy is very strong.

@autienotnaughty my family situation is complicated but yes, my Mother has checked on him and is concerned about him. She’s also worried about me. But my Mother is quite rare in that she is extraordinarily fair in these situations. I’m not perfect in my Mother’s eyes, no one is. I respect her ability to be so fair and balanced. I really admire it, in fact.

@LookItsMeAgain thank you. I am sure she could’ve done without this too. Yes, all the lies have made it so difficult to trust even my own thoughts.

@LifeExperience i think you are right. Far too much headspace.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug I am so sorry to hear that. Gambling is brutal, I speak from experience. I hope DIL is doing better and that this hasn’t destroyed her faith in people.

So you dumped her son and then kept your distance from her because you were upset, without telling her that, and are now wondering why she is respecting that and staying away?

It’s quite possible she won’t want to listen anyway because she is firmly on her son’s side and, even if she would have done, it’s been too long now, but you can still try. It sounds like you want her to make the first move after making it clear you didn’t want to discuss it with her. Just try and talk to her and then you will have your answer. Be prepared for the fact that her son hasn’t been totally honest or he has been too honest and told her things about you that also don’t make you look good.

OP, who you dare to have boundaries with her DS?

I think is just that, she thinks that your husband is your problem not theirs. She is ashamed of what he has done and at the same time wants to blame you, but she can't because you are helping him to sort out his mess.

She is on a tantrum. Ignore her. No need for you to feel bad or to try the impossible explaining things to someone that already doesn't want to hear you.

@TheSnowyOwl that’s right. I was far too upset to talk to her without offending her. I had nothing good to say about her son, and I was extremely distressed. So i decided to give myself the time and space to calm down and get my head around things before I spoke with her. I did what was best for me at that time and have no regrets on that front.

I think it is perfect reasonable to wait until you are calmer before engaging in an emotive and difficult conversation. I know her well, and know there was nothing to be gained from me expressing to her my upset and fury at her son in the weeks immediately after I found out.

I did not expect her to make the first move. I was preparing myself to go round and have the conversation. Because I felt it was the right thing to do. However, I began to doubt this was a good idea when she couldn’t even look at me. All I have to go on is that and past experience. In the past, when similar things have happened she has got in touch to see how I am. But not this time. So I am now leaning towards saying nothing because, as you rightly said, whatever I say won’t matter. It’s her son, and as others have pointed out ‘darling son’ syndrome is strong.

After reading all the responses so far, for which I am extremely grateful, I think saying nothing and focusing on rebuilding my life again is probably the best option. I am realising that I don’t owe my in-laws an explanation because I didn’t do this. I just wanted to be decent but that might not be possible in this instance.

It’s pretty rude of you to say it’s ‘plain decency’ (in your reply to @CurlewKate ) for someone to stay in touch with their child’s ex-spouse. So she has no decency?
The end of a marriage means the relationship with the ex’s relatives ends too, and relatives tend to choose each other over exes.

@Isntitallalittlestrange The thing is you have no idea what he's told his Mum.

Her silence may be attributed to that OR she's felt it necessary to give you space.

IF you want to have a relationship with her in the future, then do, contact her.

As far as your Mum is concerned, she may be be fair, ok, that's admirable.

In this particular situation though I would most certainly be showing my daughter where my loyalties lay.

Personally, (we're all different ofc) I would not be contacting the guy who'd shafted my daughter tbh.

@Epidote your post really resonated with me!
I have been working on my boundaries over the past 18 months. I’ve noticed some people don’t like it when you make your boundaries clear. This makes it hard to do, but I am trying because I need to preserve my peace.

I think there’s a lot of truth in what you are saying. I’ve watched DH and his brothers put up with tantrums over the years. My DH more so than the others and it’s odd because he does more for MIL than all the others combined.