MIL’s behaviour

[Isntitallalittlestrange]

Hi,

I have NC for this as I’m concerned about outing myself. I’ve been through a lot recently & would appreciate another perspective as I’m not sure if I’m over reacting.

For context, known DH & his family for a few decades. MIL typical family Matriarch to 4 sons including my DH. Our relationship has always been cordial, not overly involved but I’ve done what I can to help when required over the years. She has a lot on her plate due to FIL’s health issues.

I asked my DH to move out recently after discovering he’d spent all our savings & racked up completely unnecessary debts. This isn’t a new issue, hence me asking him to leave. Because he’s in so much debt, he can’t afford a place of his own. He moved in with MIL who was very unhappy about this but has more than enough space for him.

I am grateful that MIL has put a roof over his head. MIL is very comfortable re finances, so this doesn’t make her life more challenging financially. However, since this happened a few months ago, I haven’t heard from MIL, not once.

In the past, when something significant happened, I would always hear from her. Either a visit, phone call or text. But this time nothing. Additionally, on the few occasions I have been to the house to drop something off, she said ‘hello’ but wouldn’t even look at me. This is so out of character for her and took me by surprise.

Her behaviour has made me feel as though I’ve done something wrong, as if I’m the bad guy here. This has been particularly difficult for me to process because I am also trying to cope with the fact that my DH has wiped me out financially and lied to me for a prolonged period. I am also trying to come to terms with the fact that my marriage might be over as I’m not sure I can ‘get over’ what my DH has done this time.

I don’t expect her to take my side or put her son down. She’s not that type of Mother and it’s not about that. I just feel deeply hurt by what has happened and by her effectively ignoring me. I was always planning on speaking with MIL & FIL about the situation as soon as I felt ready to. Initially I was just too upset and didn’t want to speak badly of my DH to them, so decided to wait a while. My DH told them everything, but I felt I owed them an explanation too. However, as time has gone by and I’ve been effectively ignored, I don’t feel much like being courteous.

I have helped DH set up repayment plans for his debts and made a plan for him to clear them. It’s up to him whether or not he sticks to it. But I’ve tried my best to help him despite what he’s done. I am struggling to cope with the reality of what has happened. I’ve had a significant amount of upheaval in my life over the past 5 years. I thought things were finally getting better before I had the rug ripped out from underneath me, again.

I think I’d just appreciate hearing about other people’s experiences in similar situations. Is it common for in law’s to turn like this? I feel really disappointed as this entire situation is hard enough without being treated this way.

Thanks if you made it this far.

@C00k i don’t agree.

She asked, and I quote “If there are no children involved, why would you expect a continuing relationship with her?” And I answered “plain decency” because I think ignoring someone you have known for decades isn’t a decent thing to do. Particularly when they haven’t done anything wrong. But I accept that not everyone behaves with decency.

To be clear, I don’t expect an ongoing relationship with her, that’s not what I said in my OP either. I am not sure why it’s been interpreted as wanting an ongoing relationship. What I said was I did not expect to be ignored. That’s quite different from wanting an ongoing relationship.

I was hoping to have a civilised conversation, to tie things up honestly. It didn’t feel right to me, despite what happened, to ignore MIL because of her sons actions. It didn’t seem like the decent thing to do. But if that’s what she wants then I won’t force the issue. Why would I? My family is full of divorce. However, my paternal grandmother still sends my Mother a Christmas and Birthday gift each year. After 30 years of divorce. Others have never spoken again. I certainly do not expect or want gifts or ongoing relationships, however, I think a parting conversation isn’t a completely outlandish idea. Particularly in these circumstances.

If my OP was in any way unclear, I hope this clarifies that I do not want to pursue an ongoing relationship. I simply did not intend on ignoring someone who has been in my life for decades on account of someone else’s actions.

@beetr00 you’re right, I don’t know what he has told them. Perhaps that’s for the best now.

My Mother’s loyalties are definitely with me. But I have no problem with her showing concern for a man who has been in our lives for decades. It doesn’t make me question her loyalty either. I really appreciate her fair-mindedness because we all have flaws and make mistakes. I certainly have. I suppose I don’t perceive it as an issue of loyalties because my Mother has shown me, many times, that she supports me.

I appreciate your point of view but life is rarely black and white. Good people do bad things and vice versa. Two opposing things can be true at once. Despite what’s happened I do not wish harm to my DH, and I have both sympathy and empathy for his problems with money. It’s more common than many people realise. I’ve seen people end their lives because of it. At the same time, I am hurt and don’t like what he has done to me. I feel betrayed. And I don’t want my life to be a cycle of debt repayments until I die.

@Isntitallalittlestrange What I posted it was the first thought that transpired from your post and believe it or not that kind os situation with in laws are more frequent than you think. You have done the right thing.

This rings to me of him not telling her the truth, or not the whole truth. If he doesn't tell you the truth, why would you trust him to tell her? By staying away, you have compounded that and whatever he has told her.