How often do you have to talk your DP through a crisis?

[tiredandsad2001]

On average, once a day I end up talking DP down / through a work situation. He has an objectively annoying workplace but the situations are often routine irritations (people asking badly worded questions that don't make sense / people being inconsiderate etc). Its been like this for years.

I feel like I have a second job as a counsellor and it's a job I am not very good at (or he would be better at getting himself through these situations by now). He has depression and anxiety (so do I) but is too stressed by his work situation to seek help.

I've been thinking of getting therapy myself as I feel like I have compassion fatigue, but also I feel like I am uncaring because I can't always spare the emotional spoons to help him. Listening to him vent makes me anxious and then I feel like a bad person.

Outside of the venting everything is good / this is a snapshot etc. Just want to know if others have been in a similar position and what they did.

That sounds exhausting. What would happen if you don't talk him down? If you say, sorry, you don't have time now and to deal with it himself?

wow that sounds exhausting.

Does he work from home? Or does he call you from work?

I can honestly say I have never had to talk my dh down like this.

We do share with each othe,r and sometimes rant, but I would never interfere in his work stuff, and he would not interfere with mine.

What would he do if he don't talk about it?

Yep, my ex was like this. Exhausting. He’s still like it but it’s not my problem any more. I’ve worked on sorting my own problems out before parachuting in to try and save other people - am much happier and healthier for it.

Does he not help you regularly too? I’d say it’s even here, at the moment am that time of the month and he’s literally fire fighting all over the place because I’m all over the place!!!

We both work from home but when we didn't this stuff would routinely take up an hour or so of our evenings.
He has always been a venter and I am more a think through things on my own type. For years I've been thinking the situation would just sort itself out on its own, but I don't think it's going to. If I declined and said I couldn't talk about it I think he would see it as a rejection of him.
Is this a good situation for couples therapy?

Nope. My late husband was an adult and dealt daily with much more challenging situations than I could help with. He also navigated normal human interactions by himself. I could not have been doing with being a helpline for a grown up.

Yes I have been in this situation . I have been a counsellor and psychotherapist to him to the point it completely wore me down. And to the point there was no space to discuss my problems.
At some point I questioned what I give and how much he gives to me. And he didn’t give much back.
We are now separated and at last I have managed to divert all this mental energy to me and my development. Going forward I definitely won’t get involved with a man that takes so much of my emotional wellbeing. I need an emotionally mature person who can provide advice to me the same way I will do for him. And to be mature enough not to dwell on small work related things too much. If I don’t manage to find one then I’d rather be alone.

Good to know that there are mature men out there . Hope I find one.

@stayathomer He has helped me through major stuff like bereavements, I have done the same for him. I don't object to that kind of support, its the 'can you believe they asked this question?' type of everyday work venting that is getting to me.

My husband has this depression and anxiety for the last 5 years. It is like this. My daugther is 5 and from early on, for my on health, and because I had a baby to look after, I had to create a shield. It goes on and on. He has been let go from his jobs, never stays in one place more than a month, as he lacks concentration, doesn´t turn up on certain days because he goes to the emergency services etc etc. They end up firing him. So it´s back to struggling again only on my salary. He used to be really hard working, now he is hard work. I try to be understanding but sometimes I just scream at him, I am stressed and have enough on my plate. Yes, compassion fatigue is a thing. My way of dealing with it has been waiting for my husband "to come back" and I now think I am not so sure that will happen. So not helpful to you at all, but a vent I guess.

This. Not sure I would want to be with someone having a meltdown over minor work issues every day either.

Honestly? I don’t think this has ever happened in our 20+ year relationship. Dh goes out to do his job, I now wfh and do my job, we often have lunch together if he comes home but our jobs are completely unrelated and neither of us would know how to deal with each others tricky work situations.

Christ No, maybe once or twice a year when something major happens (ie an actual crisis), if he tried to have a melt at me daily about work I'd tell him to get in touch with his EAP and leave me alone!

This is not sustainable, you can't be his emotional punching bag.

Dh did this for a few years there and it was draining. I told him no more and to sort it himself.

With my DH never. You having to go through what you do on regular basis sounds too exhausting. I think counselling would be useful ad you cannot keep continuing like this.

About once a year.

Everyday is toddler level.

It would be daily too OP. I find it’s because sometimes he doesn’t trust his judgement so in those situations I usually remind him that his judgement can be trusted in the situation and I don’t offer an opinion.

I have yet to figure it out when he gets worked up tbh but I do let him know when I don’t have the internal resources to deal with him and I enforce introvert time. That buys me some time and usually he’ll figure it out in that time. It is exhausting OP, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

Thanks everyone. I guess I now know the answer is no, this is not normal and I am not a heartless person for being exhausted. Person above who said how they feel like there is no room for their emotions, that's how I am starting to feel. I will look for a therapist for myself I think.

If I declined and said I couldn't talk about it I think he would see it as a rejection of him

So what?
It’s not really a work issue is it. It’s about having a victim mentality and having you do his emotional labour with no respect for your time and feelings. It also sounds very attention seeking.

Tell him to pack it in. If you can’t do that due to fear of his reaction you need to look at the bigger picture.

My DP has complex ptsd, panic attacks can hit any time and flashbacks to hearing the screams of the dying, yet he deals with it like the adult he is, and not once have I had to be a “therapist” for him regarding work issues during work hours. We both enjoy a good whinge about the world, and are interested in each other’s lives, so chat in the evenings plenty but mutually.

It sounds so exhausting, and making your relationship dysfunctional.

@Orio2023 has it exactly!

I once flat shared with a girl who told me that you only have a finite amount of emotional energy, if you're giving it out all the time it depletes and you need time to rebuild it. If your partner is taking yours every day like this it's no wonder you're feeling the strain.
Your emotional energy is constantly thinned out. It needs to be plump and luscious in order to be of help to people and to have a safe emotional buffer for your own feelings.

Build your buffer! Explain to your partner that your feeling depleted. Perhaps help him find another outlet for much of the smaller stuff ( a lunchtime walk to ruminate and think?) and save real issues that you can discuss together

My sister is like this and honestly it's fucking draining with her and I don't even life with her!

You can't really do anything to change or control his behaviour. But you can change and control how you deal with it. Drop the rope and stop trying to fix his problems for him. Look into codependency.

This was me for a few years - I finally walked out of the job one day and handed in my notice. DH had been telling me to do it for years but for I thought I couldn't for complex reasons (mainly family related - don't work with family unless you know what you're getting into!!!)

I remember him finally saying "if you won't change anything, nothing will change." And then redirecting me when I moaned. I knew in my heart that he was right and it wasn't fair to offload on him - especially as I was mostly being offloaded to by someone else (the person making my life difficult at work). When I realised I was doing the same to him as I was having done to me I felt awful but I just didn't see it at the time.

I have apologised for my past navel gazing!!

Yes, it turns out much anxiety was caused by ASD that was undiagnosed.

When I was pregnant he had a crisis and I couldn't be there for him, which was the trigger he needed for therapy. If worked quite well as did an antidepressant.

I still have the 'shield' a PP mentioned. Trying to let it go but it's hard.