Please help. Am I the narcissist

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Hi. Hoping someone can shed some light as so confused. Sorry if it’s a bit over the place. Am just an absolute mess.

I met my now husband at 18 and he was 32 in 2011. He had three children and an incredibly volatile relationship
with his ex. lots of court battles. Police reports. Social services. We got married in 2017. Within 2 weeks all 3 of his children moved in. It was obviously tough but I was beyond relieved that we could offer them a stable home. My relationship with them has a great. Always found husband to be a little lazy with them and they’d often come to me for reassurance, help with homework, friend struggled etc. liked to think they saw me
as a big sister rather than another mum. Especially as I was nearer their age than my
Husbands. I took the youngest SEN to school every day as my job was deemed
less important as such waa more acceptable to be late every day.

husband and I have been up and down a lot over the years and am confident it’s the children that have kept me fighting for us.

I have tried to leave many times but am always told am having a meltdown. It’s my mental health. All in my head. After Covid and kids moving in we went back to our special place in Europe where he proposed. First bit of us time in years (this was early 2022) … he spent the entire time distant and on his phone. Around 3am he was brushing his teeth at the hotel and his phone went off. Wouldn’t normally check but with his behaviour over previous days something seemed off. It was a member of staff (* @ department) sending lots of hearts and kisses. No other messages. I confronted him. He deleted the message and told me I was seeing things. I was insane. This ended in a physical fight which had never happened before.

I was so hurt as he has always said he doesn’t want children. So at 18 I decided I wanted to love and support his than have my own. I felt like I’d given 12 years of my life to a man and his beautiful children only for hiM to shit on me yet again (this wasn’t the first time he had been found being inappropriate).

we had marriage counselling (I had a flat to move into as he had refused. Days before
moving in he agreed to the counselling) which was helping until he got fed up of being told it’s not for me
to apologise and that actually he’s in the wrong. He was convinced this counsellor was a man hating god lover so started lying in the sessions then laughing about it on the way home when i was upset And questioning him on why he lied and made me
out to be a liar.

Fast forward, two of the 3 kids are at uni and doing amazing. The youngest just turned 18.

now nearly 18 months on I can’t bear him. When I behave in a way he’s happy with, things are ok but the problem is, I am not the meek 18 year old he met or the 24 year old he married. I would say since 29 to now I have grown up more than in the previous 10 years combined. And have this clarity… and self esteem for the first Time ever.

in the summer i asked for some of his savings to pay off a credit card as the interest was making it unmanageable. At the time he had around 50k in his bank. I requested 5k and said would increase the amount am putting into the house to pay it back. he refused stating he couldn’t afford it but just a month or so later gave our youngest 4K for her 18th birthday. I am
struggling to keep on top of bills. He is buying designer clothes. Ipad. Apple Watch (so far in January 2024!). He works self
employed around 4 hours a day and
makes good money. I am out for 12 hours a day. Get home and the house is a mess as he won’t tidy after himself. If I ask him
to hang washing he’ll hang only
his things.

At Xmas we had a huge row (admit I was unreasonable in this situation wanting to save a dog from being put down and not listening to him saying no) his eldest came to me after husband disappeared
for the night as a punishment (after 10
days of silent treatment and shoving me out of bed). He said for a long time he’s been uncomfortable with how his dad has treated me. What he’s seen marriage do to me as a person. And that I deserve to be happy and I can do better. To clarify he loves his dad and not hostile etc.

so weekend gone, I found the courage to leave after feeling damaged beyond belief. I waited for him to be out and packed my essential belongings in one hour. Back to mum and dads. Left him, our youngest, my home; my dogs. I left a note saying to not contact me. Blocked him. I am now recieving
emails from him calling me disgusting and his mum calling and texting calling me
a coward.

i “realised” over the past 6 months that although im not scared of him physically hurting me i think my
marriage was abusive. Now after these texts and emails i feel maybe im the narcissist and dont know how to move forward. If its me i want help but am sure it’s him. He’s said the kids are disgusted with me and don’t want to see me but our eldest has text today reassuring I am family and he loves me. The younger two won’t acknowledge me. Such a mess and am confused as thought id finally realised i wasn’t the problem but know back to square one.

sorry it’s so much ramble. Am panicking and confused. Want to be a good person but feeling horrendous about my actions and morals. It’s hurt him and the kids but that wasnt at the forefront of my
mind.

Er.. no
Hes an abusive piece of shit and you've done the right thing in leaving him. Now stay strong and do not go back to this man who has robbed so much of your life from you. At 29 you are only young and can still get your life back on track. This man manipulated you as a nieve teenager... you are now a grown woman and can see what an absolute bellend he is. Do not give him the time of day. Do not read his messages. Get on with the life you have left.
Men like this will make you feel like a narcissist the minute you aren't acting like a doormat and centring all their needs over your own. It's not narcissistic to want to be happy or to want a real supportive partner. Please god do not go back to this man

Congratulations on getting out, you have done nothing wrong, it's all on him.

It's not you. It's him. He's a self-centered, abusive twat. You deserve better.

Even his children recognize what you have been put through and support you. Don't go back, don't believe a word he says and see a lawyer for a divorce asap and a therapist.

He sounds very predatory & manipulative.
Please protect yourself OP.

They did until I left in such a cowardly way!! Thank you. Just makes you question yourself as a person that you can just walk out like that on your family and entire life. Feels like there’s something wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with you and it wasn't cowardly. That's what you had to do to get out. You owe him no conversation because he is abusive and will just play mind games with you until you go back. You were right to block him. You are brave

It's not normal for a 32 year old man with 3 kids (closer to her age) to romance an 18 yr old.
I would love to hear his first wife's view of his behavior when they were together and how their marriage ended.
You know you can't believe the husband's version.

Even writing this post in my head was like what if I’m a really good narcissist and am just great at convincing people that I’m a victim. Just broken beyond comprehension. Thank you for the replies. Just trying to sort getting my little dog back. That the only thing he can control and hold over me now and even though he doesn’t like him is refusing to let me have him

She was 10 years older than him and he was a step parent to her older 2 children which were older than me
again only recently these things have become Clear. If our youngest started dating a 32 year old, I’d go mad!

He is abusive and you are NOT the problem I'm sorry about the kids, that must really hurt, he'll be telling them all sorts he's definitely that type. I hope the others come around, but you are doing the right thing. He got into a relationship with a teenager at 32 with 3 kids, he's predatory and he's shown since he's manipulative and abusive. You've spent years caring for his kids, looking after him, caring for everyone but yourself. You deserve to feel safe and loved in your own home and you're never going to have that with him. Its not selfish or cowardly to leave an abusive person that way. Sometimes its the only way you can leave.

You were too young, he was much older, he groomed you from the start, so nosurprise he's abusive. Divorce him, you are entitled to half his savings then as there is no yours and mine within marriage. He's been financially abusing you for years, as well as having no loyalty. He's not a good man, never was, otherwise he would never have entertained being with you at 18, given how old he was. You were someone he could manipulate into looking after his DC's because he could not be bothered himself.

I'm so glad for you that you've left. Please don't return. Silence him on your phone. Start divorce proceedings. What a horrible horrible man. The children will not think you are a coward. They will know exactly why you left the way you did. Best of luck.

Thank you so much all. Guess it’s part of growing up to stop people pleasing although even now it’s tough knowing hurt has been caused. Just looking back at the email he’s said I haven’t just abandonned him but left the kids too a they are heartbroken. That’s just not the case and don’t know why he’d want to say something like that to them. Because of their childhood they do all really struggle with regulating feelings and they all have difficulties with
memories with what was real and what they were told as young children. Cant
comprehend. If this situation was the other way around I would
do everything possible to assure them it’s not on them. They HAVE NOT been abandoned and after 12 years and raising them, I will always be there for whatever they need.

hadn’t considered the financial abuse until it was mentioned here. I remembered our middle one sleeping on the floor for weeks because her mattress was so cheap and rubbish it was hurting her back. He was sympathetic to an extent but even with his 6 figure salary and maintenance he wouldn’t buy a specialist mattress. this went on my credit card along with many other essentials they needed.

thank you. It’s hard to see the wood from the trees when you’re in the situation sometimes. Just need to stay strong now.

please do stay strong. That he is trying to weaponize the children against you just shows how very sick he is.
keep yourself safe and away from him - and don’t let him get under your skin with any threats he might make.
he’s horrible. Well done for getting free.

it’s important not to get pulled into a defense of yourself or any argument with him- then he’ll have you hooked back in to giving him your focus.

Absolutely. I emailed him to say I’ll be picking up my dog. He sent a lengthy reply back about what a vile creature I am. How could I treat someone I’ve been with this way etc. I can’t have my Frankie as abandoned him too when I left. I only acknowledged about Frank and his welfare. He’s a chihuahua cross too so has his special human which is me. He doesn’t even check their water. I often come home to two dehydrated dogs crying for water!! Won’t walk them. Ignores them when they bark to go to the toilet. It’s just all he can weaponise now as haven’t bitten at anything else. I’m tempted to sign over my half of the house for my dog. The money is probably all he’s upset about.

You’ve left, well done! Now stay strong. Yes the kids are naturally upset right now but they will understand with time. Text them and tell them you love them and will always be there for them. Would they like to meet? State that things have been awful between yourself and DH for a few years and you’ve tried unsuccessfully to make the relationship work but have finally reached the end of the road. Stay at your parents, file for divorce, split your wealth, start a new life.

Narcs don't ask themselves if they are a narc.

This relationship sounds unhealthy and over. Absolutely nothing to stay for. He's vile and you've wasted enough of your life.

It's time to free yourself.

You're definitely not a narc. You're not abusive.

Hardest thing after living with an abusive arse who gaslights you is to learn to trust how you feel. Whatever you think, whatever you feel for the next 6 months (minimum), trust it and stop yourself questioning it. It's tough. You're allowed to think whatever you want, to interpret things however you want and feel however you feel. Don't be gaslighting yourself, which is what we end up doing after being gaslit for so long.

Contact the kids, tell them you love them, want to see them, you're always there for them if they want and you don't love their dad, doesn't mean you don't love them. Let them respond however they do and don't feel guilty or question if you should feel something else.

Read up about the serious impact of being chronically gaslit. It'll help you understand.

Well done for having the courage to do this.

Why are you negotiating about your dog? If you don't believe he could be violent then just let yourself in with your keys and take your dog. If you feel he could be violent then does this man go out to work, to shop or for anything else? If so then watch the house until he leaves and then go in for your dog.

I hope you're still in touch with the oldest child, who sounds great. If so then ask him to explain to his younger siblings what's happened and why.

Very best of luck to you, and again - well done, and go and get your poor dog

Well done for ‘seeing the light’ and getting yourself out… You are IN NO WAY a narcissist 💐💐💐

You have years of life and possibilities ahead of you… Get armed up with a lawyer, get counselling and support of your own, and leave him for dust.

Can the eldest help in getting your dog back? Maybe not in a proactive way… but to just ensure that the ‘ back door is unlocked’ kind of thing?

Massive well done in finally putting yourself first 🙌🏻 it’s been needed and i bet it wasn’t easy either but look at you.. you will get abuse via email and any other form but ignore it (do not delete them). The kids are adults now and will probably know why you have left..kids are aware of alot more than what we think (my own step dad was abusive to my mother every day stabbing her leg at the dinner table was his signature most nights and at the weekend it was the blood on the walls).

The “man” you married is the issue not you, you will have some thoughts within yourself that all
this has been your fault.. in time you will understand that’s not the case.

Take some time for yourself now as life is now your own ✨ best of luck.

He is an abuser, and well done for looking after your own health and regaining your independence.
He’s a very skilled abuser too, as he’s been able to convince you that you are wrong (“gaslighting”) that you’re a bad person and that you have mental health problems.
His current behaviour constitutes harassment and his past behaviour constituted coercive control. Both are criminal offences. You can make a statement to the police about both, showing them his texts.
I highly recommend you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft. This book will read to you like the script he used to abuse you.

The fact you’re wondering if you’re a narcissist means you’re not because these egomaniacs never for one second question themselves.

They just twist and manipulate others to believe they’re the problem. Horrible people

This is why I'm wary of age gap relationships when the man is older. Young women just don't have the life experience to see the abusive bullshit at first. Society tells younger women that their desirable youth gives them power equal to these exploitative men but that's a trick I'm afraid.

However, you sound like an incredible person. What you've done for those kids is more than some of us achieve in a lifetime. Remind yourself of that if regrets start getting you down. You're in a good position now - they're old enough for an independent relationship with you, and you are still young.

Stay strong and keep talking. There's incredible support to be had here.