Please help. Am I the narcissist

[Cb93]

Hi. Hoping someone can shed some light as so confused. Sorry if it’s a bit over the place. Am just an absolute mess.

I met my now husband at 18 and he was 32 in 2011. He had three children and an incredibly volatile relationship
with his ex. lots of court battles. Police reports. Social services. We got married in 2017. Within 2 weeks all 3 of his children moved in. It was obviously tough but I was beyond relieved that we could offer them a stable home. My relationship with them has a great. Always found husband to be a little lazy with them and they’d often come to me for reassurance, help with homework, friend struggled etc. liked to think they saw me
as a big sister rather than another mum. Especially as I was nearer their age than my
Husbands. I took the youngest SEN to school every day as my job was deemed
less important as such waa more acceptable to be late every day.

husband and I have been up and down a lot over the years and am confident it’s the children that have kept me fighting for us.

I have tried to leave many times but am always told am having a meltdown. It’s my mental health. All in my head. After Covid and kids moving in we went back to our special place in Europe where he proposed. First bit of us time in years (this was early 2022) … he spent the entire time distant and on his phone. Around 3am he was brushing his teeth at the hotel and his phone went off. Wouldn’t normally check but with his behaviour over previous days something seemed off. It was a member of staff (* @ department) sending lots of hearts and kisses. No other messages. I confronted him. He deleted the message and told me I was seeing things. I was insane. This ended in a physical fight which had never happened before.

I was so hurt as he has always said he doesn’t want children. So at 18 I decided I wanted to love and support his than have my own. I felt like I’d given 12 years of my life to a man and his beautiful children only for hiM to shit on me yet again (this wasn’t the first time he had been found being inappropriate).

we had marriage counselling (I had a flat to move into as he had refused. Days before
moving in he agreed to the counselling) which was helping until he got fed up of being told it’s not for me
to apologise and that actually he’s in the wrong. He was convinced this counsellor was a man hating god lover so started lying in the sessions then laughing about it on the way home when i was upset And questioning him on why he lied and made me
out to be a liar.

Fast forward, two of the 3 kids are at uni and doing amazing. The youngest just turned 18.

now nearly 18 months on I can’t bear him. When I behave in a way he’s happy with, things are ok but the problem is, I am not the meek 18 year old he met or the 24 year old he married. I would say since 29 to now I have grown up more than in the previous 10 years combined. And have this clarity… and self esteem for the first Time ever.

in the summer i asked for some of his savings to pay off a credit card as the interest was making it unmanageable. At the time he had around 50k in his bank. I requested 5k and said would increase the amount am putting into the house to pay it back. he refused stating he couldn’t afford it but just a month or so later gave our youngest 4K for her 18th birthday. I am
struggling to keep on top of bills. He is buying designer clothes. Ipad. Apple Watch (so far in January 2024!). He works self
employed around 4 hours a day and
makes good money. I am out for 12 hours a day. Get home and the house is a mess as he won’t tidy after himself. If I ask him
to hang washing he’ll hang only
his things.

At Xmas we had a huge row (admit I was unreasonable in this situation wanting to save a dog from being put down and not listening to him saying no) his eldest came to me after husband disappeared
for the night as a punishment (after 10
days of silent treatment and shoving me out of bed). He said for a long time he’s been uncomfortable with how his dad has treated me. What he’s seen marriage do to me as a person. And that I deserve to be happy and I can do better. To clarify he loves his dad and not hostile etc.

so weekend gone, I found the courage to leave after feeling damaged beyond belief. I waited for him to be out and packed my essential belongings in one hour. Back to mum and dads. Left him, our youngest, my home; my dogs. I left a note saying to not contact me. Blocked him. I am now recieving
emails from him calling me disgusting and his mum calling and texting calling me
a coward.

i “realised” over the past 6 months that although im not scared of him physically hurting me i think my
marriage was abusive. Now after these texts and emails i feel maybe im the narcissist and dont know how to move forward. If its me i want help but am sure it’s him. He’s said the kids are disgusted with me and don’t want to see me but our eldest has text today reassuring I am family and he loves me. The younger two won’t acknowledge me. Such a mess and am confused as thought id finally realised i wasn’t the problem but know back to square one.

sorry it’s so much ramble. Am panicking and confused. Want to be a good person but feeling horrendous about my actions and morals. It’s hurt him and the kids but that wasnt at the forefront of my
mind.

I'm struggling to understand why you left your dog because you love him and he is vulnerable and therefore he is a weapon that can be used against you.

Could you have not taken him with you to your parents - he is a small dog.

Why leave your 'enemy' a weapon?

It's not you, it's him. You sound saintly for the years you have pandered to him and run around after him. He sounds frankly abusive and selfish. And I'm sorry but in retrospect a 32-year-old man romancing an 18-year-old girl is creepy. It seems that he was attracted to having someone young and good-natured and malleable and now that you are asserting yourself and have grown in confidence he can't tolerate it. Get rid. He's the narcissist (and gaslighter, lying to you about the deleted message on his phone).

Also, a middle-aged man getting his MUM to text you abuse? Ugh!

Ignore him. Tell his mum she’s only heard his side, or don’t respond at all. Text the kids and say you’re sorry you couldn’t talk to them before you left but you hope they understand and hope to see them soon (they are adults therefore it’s their choice).

Get your dog while he’s at work.

The money situation is awful. He will literally pay for his behaviour now though.

Because my parents have a cat that isn’t a fan of dogs. It wasn’t until after I got here they then agreed he could come as they were worried H would get me back home because I miss my Frankie. It had become so bad in my mind it was better to get financially strong in 6 months or so, so I could take him when I have my own place rather than stay in the house with my husband for the next 10+ years of my dogs life. Xx

Am getting him tomorrow. Fingers crossed H will not be home. He’s self employed and only works a few hours a day and not a specific times

The only thing that's wrong here is you have been treated appallingly. I'm so pleased that you left. It clearly was not an easy option, but you smashed it. Be careful about future contact with him; he'll want to talk you around ("for closure"/to talk things through; read manipulating you back into the land of chaos and confusion). Freedom Program would be good for you. And you should celebrate this as a victory. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but you have done the right thing and it will work out better.

He's gas lighting you! He's the unreasonable one here, not you. Just make sure you maintain contact with his eldest, that sounds like a good relationship. Stay strong ❤

Do you feel like there's something wrong with you in all areas of your life, or just when it's stuff to do with him?

Congratulations on getting out. He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Don't engage in discussion with him. Don't agree anything to do with the assets. Just tell him your solicitor will be in touch.

I agree with PP that you should contact the kids. Let them know that you still love them and will always be happy to see them.

Sounds like you've done the right thing and in time the kids may understand. Well, they're adults now anyway. Go get your belongings and your dog(s) but take someone with you for support and as a witness in case there's any trouble if he's there. Have you got all your legal documents etc? Get the divorce started, freedom awaits.

It's normal to question yourself after years of being ground down, but I suppose the biggest takeaway is that if it truly were you that was the issue then you wouldn't be questioning themselves. A narcissist would feel that level of doubt.

Well done on getting away, and fingers crossed getting the dog goes smoothly

I managed to get my dog tonight which is amazing. H emailed me last night calling me names and saying the kids are all upset and he’s the family dog & I’m being selfish,
heartless, vile and manipulative. Previously I’d have backed down but stood strong. 2 of the kids are away and uni and the 18 year old is rarely home and has in the past expressed disdain at having to feed him if we aren’t home on time. I then received texts from our youngest tonight stating that I had abandoned them and can’t pick and choose what I take.. apparently when I left and abandoned them all, I abandoned him too and I can’t treat him like he’s a belonging. it was probably the first time in 12 years I stood completely firm with her. Fully expect the children to “side” with their dad in this situation and he really needs their love and support, but it’s just devastating knowing they all despise me after years of always doing best by them, even if it meant standing up to their dad and being punished for it.

was worried it was being selfish on my boy but when I got to the house there was no water in the bowl and he had bought cheap food rather than his special Hyprallogenic required for his health. Poor lad has been non stop scratching tonight. All this after just 5 days. Am so glad that have stayed strong.

He has just requested I post my key through the letterbox - I have refused. Explained I have no intention of entering the house without prior arrangement to get further belongings at a later date. To check - this is fair or am I being unreasonable? I do co-own the house. Could return the key but don’t feel I should.

am definitely getting somewhere - after I didn’t bs k down last night he emailed and called me the c word and said he’s having panic attacks. He’s always said mental health doesn’t exist and regularly caused panic attacks and would leave me in bed panicking whilst he rolled over and slept. I was sad for him that he was experiencing them but just replied telling him to take deep breaths rather than dropping everything ti go see him and make sure he was ok - which am sure is what he was trying to achieve? Maybe I am being heartless but I feel strong. Proud. And worth something.

Genuinely cannot thank you all enough for your comments. I have so many colleagues saying lovely things, it’s not me - I’m a good person but it obviously seems biased. Being able to have views from people looking at a situation without emotions has been a real eye opener and has helped me stay strong. You have all had a huge impact on my life and am so greatful you took the time to respond.

thank you xx

when I peered through the door our bulldog just had her head in the bone dry bowl of water. (Would love to take her too but her vet bills are too expensive for me at this stage and she would suffer as a result)
second photo is my heart dog Frank, settle quickly in our temporary home with my mum and dad.

• [2nd photo removed at OP's request]

Well done you

you’ve done it ! don’t fall for any of his charm (if he has any!)
Do not return key as it’s your house as much as his. So he can’t change the locks !

Does he know your at mum & dads ?, he wouldn’t turn up there would he
No perhaps not, he only like giving verbal out

Just get your half off the house money and fuck him off
He’s feeding the kids lies and getting them to text you these hurtful messages. Just block the kids & him , you need to get yourself in the right headspace and stronger which will take time
you know you have done the right thing, you have brought those kids up at there hardest times through adolescence and this is your payback!!
fuck him

No narcissist would ever dream of wondering whether they are one, so that proves that you're not.

He's a despicable abuser who has done such a number on you that you hardly know which way is up any more.

Not blocking the kids as I hope in time they will reach out, on their own terms. Have told them all that I love them dearly, will always be here if they ever want or need me but no pressure and I will respect whatever they feel right now. Explained that they should own whatever feelings they have towards the situation and me and no feeling is wrong. Their entire childhood has been surrounded by people telling them what the should feel. How they should act. They are amazing. They are so so strong despite what their parents have put them through. This is a cruel thing to do to them but they are adults and in this moment, saving myself needs to be the priority. The alternative had I have stayed would have caused much more trauma.

So well done to you @Cb93 . We all think we're grown up at 18, but we aren't. You took a man in his 30s and his 3 children.
You've grown. You've out grown him. The kids are off to Uni and I bet that is because of you.
You are not a narcissist at all. He just doesn't want to lose you, and by putting you down he thinks he can control you.

No, walk away, let him go. You deserve to enjoy and have a bit of peace in life. The kids understand and it sounds like they adore you.

Walk forward, don't look back ❤️

He wasn't having a panic attack.

That was just another manipulation.

When he realises his aggression hasn't worked, he will try another tactic.
He will become a "changed man". He will "realise" how he's treated you so badly, and will seem to understand and have insight into himself.
He'll try to convince you to come back and try again, with promises of things being immeasurably improved.

It will all be lies, so do NOT fall for any of it.

This is why you're better off blocking him now. What good is engaging with him doing for you? None whatsoever.

I'm so pleased your little dog is with you. Your stepkids will understand eventually.

I have blocked him but we are emailing. It’s okay as it will all be used as evidence in the divorce. He will take me to court and do everything he can to leave me without a penny.

I had to call the emergency mental health line a couple of nights ago as was so frightened by what what racing in my mind. The following day a MH Doctor called me. After around an hour talking, he said he was going to put me in touch with a domestic violence team. I immediately said no, I am not a victim of that - it’s excessive for my situation. He said something that caused me to go in absolute overwhelm but has opened my eyes. He said, “I think you have a very warped view of how you deserve to be treated. So you’re telling me, that if I went home, had a disagreement with my partner and then he did to me the things he has done to you, you think it’s acceptable and that I should stand for that?” It seemed harsh and brutal at the time but she was right. She should NOT stand for that. No matter the situation. She reassured me that I am not crazy. Not unreasonable. Referred to my husband as a “piece of work” sand told me she had no doubt that I would be the strongest and bravest person she’d speak to that day. To tolerate 12 years of emotional battery, physical at times and to still be here and still want him to be happy shows that I am a tough cookie and my heart is that of a diamond. To take on his 3 very damaged children without a question at 24, mortgage up to my eyeballs, provide financially for them and yet care so much for him and ask for NOTHING in return means I have absolutely done the bravest thing. Our NHS has its flaws but every person I’ve had to speak to through this ordeal has been incredible.

No OP, it's not you who is the narcissist. Please believe that.

Get a solicitor who specialises in divorces where one or both are self employed. That's my no 1 advice for you - if you don't mind.

You are young and will go on to have such a better life. This bit is hard though so look after yourself.

You’re not
even if you were you don’t have to stay with someone you don’t want to be with. Certainly it didn’t sound like he was interested in being an actual partner.

There were 5 red flags in your first 5 sentences alone

OP, I feel a little puzzled as to why you have taken one dog but left the other? You’ve clearly stated that they have been neglected but you’ve taken your favourite and left the other one behind to continue to be treated like that, and worse still she’s now not got the other dog for company. It seems very unfair.

I am on your side with the rest of it though, you needed to leave and hopefully the children will understand once the dust has settled.

Absolutely appreciate your comment. Said earlier she is very old and often requires vet treatment in the thousands. I do not have those funds. My husband loves her and does care for her, not Frank who I have taken. I’d love to be able to take them both but it would be cruel to take her as am not financially able to. Frank has good insurance, lulu is uninsurable x