DH snapped , is it an overreaction?

[Escapetosomewhere]

Just being silly, but need to vent.
DH hoping to move elderly parents nearby. He’s talked nonstop about it all day and tonight we went to see a house. It wasn’t great so I suppose he’s a bit disappointed. I’m a bit sad as I miss my mum and am aware that when she was alive it was always so difficult to visit her (abroad) there was always a DH reason I couldn’t go. So I guess I’m a bit conflicted emotionally.
We get in and DS 16, is moaning again, it’s all he does. I am concerned he’s bored, miserable, whatever since his sister 18, moved out. this time it was about the dinner I’d cooked - it did look very white for aloo gobi,! I thought I said reasonably, add yoghurt and herbs or get toast or a (homemade) sausage roll if you don’t like it.’ DH suddenly snapped, in front of DS and told me I’d been moody all day. And something, can’t remember but remember feeling it was a bit of an ott. Reaction. I was embarrassed and said,‘that’s a bit strong’ as I don’t like feeling humiliated in front of son. Also wasn’t aware I’d been moody. Bored of talking about this house maybe.
We ate dinner and DS scarpered. I sighed when I was in the kitchen - just because it all needs cleaning away, and from the living room I hear some grumbling about me sighing, and then DH told me to ‘fuck off’. I go back into the living room to say something and he’s scrolling and talking about the house as if nothings happened. He said thanks for tea, which I said you’re welcome and he’s stomped off upstairs. I’m so confused. It’s silly in the grand scheme of things, but I just feel it’s unfair. I don’t merit that kind of reaction.
miss my mum.

It sounds pretty horrible. He's teaching your son it's ok to be horrible to you. I wouldn't accept it.

So he’s fed up and taking it out on you, is that usual?

What if you shouted “Wanker!” Up the stairs and then pretended it never happened?

Does he know it's reminding you of your mum? When they move closer you may find you feel resentful too. Perhaps you both need to discuss this.

Does your DH do anything with your DS because it seems a lot of weight is on you added to the housework as your DH didn't clean the kitchen.

It takes two to carry a yoke.

If my partner told me to fuck off, I would. Forever.

So you're in the kitchen, cleaning up after two miserable men, and he's scrolling on his phone and then HE swears at YOU?

How loud was your sigh to be heard from another room? He seems grumpy you seem grumpy, your son is complaining. All seems a bit shit tbh

Is this a pattern of behaviour or would you say a one off and not the norm

I didn’t realize I’d sighed that loudly! DH sat by the door.🙂
thanks for replying everyone. I am concerned he may be putting me down a bit. I don’t like it in front of son.
maybe he does take his mood out on me. I don’t know actually.
he does know I’m missing mum, he was nice about it yesterday.
He works full time so I work part time and do the house. At the mo I only work a day and two half days.
i really am confused by being told to F off. I really don’t like it, yes if we were just dating I’d not put up with it.
its like..I’m not supposed to be tired.
dont get it.

Your DH is stressed because he needs to move his parents closer to you both and he's not found an ideal solution yet. You are struggling because you lost your Mum, but he doesn't see that, because he's currently fixated with trying to get his parents closer.

Speaking from someone who lost both her parents in her 40's. Other people don't realise what it's like to be in your shoes. They only learn when they lose their own.

I think you need a conversation with him to explain why you are struggling too.

But he should have never told you to Fk off.

Maybe it’s a pattern. We seem to rub along ok then something happens but I guess most couples get fed up with each other at times. He has had a lot on and life seems to consist of him working, having dinner and going to bed about 8.
im concerned as it’s not much fun for son. It was ok when we all watched a comedy show together but that’s finished and now DS clears off to his room as soon as dinners over.
i don’t know how to make it fun, jolly, family like whatever. I’m pretty sure I used to go to my room at 16. What do other people do?

Thanks blrd that makes sense. he is very concerned for his parents who are having a crap time. I guess we are both overwrought and tired for various reasons.
Guess I’ll suck it up and take him a cuppa. Just so tired of feeling sad. I’m sorry you lost both your parents so young. That’s really harsh.💐

No, don’t reward bad behaviour by taking him a cuppa!

Is he expecting you to look after his DPs when he moves them closer, and do cleaning and care for them? I'd find out his intentions and make it clear what you are and are not prepared to do.

And why the hell would you take him a cuppa after he's treated you like this and told you to fuck off?? Give your head a wobble!

Guess I’ll suck it up and take him a cuppa

He told you to fuck off. Why should you suck that up? What's he sucking up? Where's your cuppa?

In your OP ypu said you didn't visit your mum as much as you wanted for "dh reasons". So he's always bern a grumpy shit? Where is your anger?

Yes, I wondered that too, @paranoidmumdroid1

What were 'dh reasons'?

Crikey, don't bring your DH a cuppa!

He's pissed off, but you are supposed to pander and soothe and agree with DH or you get what you got today.

Sounds like he's moody but pretends you are the cause.

He's literally come home and 'kicked the cat' out of frustration that things didn't go his way.
But he took it out on you.

What you should say is 'Do I deserve to be spoken to like that or are you just in a bad mood?"

You need to confront those comments, don't let him away with speaking to you like that.

Sorry about your mum, OP.

She'd want you to be happy 💐

Thanks everyone. errols you’ve made me cry!
didn’t take DH a cuppa, he’s in bed with the laptop on loud so either didn’t hear me or ignored me. Cba. Butt obv I can as I’m on here! Thanks btw. It’s so nice to have someone to chat to late at night.
2old2tango blimey, good point. DH seemed to think we’d save money on a carer by caring - more than either of us earn currently. But they are not going to pay us a wage. Or if they do, we can hardly accept it. And sister who won’t be caring still inherits half.
Lots to untangle.
DH problems were either he’d be alone for a week or he’d have the kids and work for a week or we had no money or ‘why should you have a holiday’ or ‘I’ve just been made redundant’ the one I’m really cross about was having to go for Xmas cos SIL would be there,huge pressure on me to go with kids. the parents argued the whole time. Awful.

You know what, thanks lucy I’m wondering if you’re onto something. It feels a bit like if he doesn’t get attention he sulks. But I’m just being unfair probably. He is always knackered.

You have 2 separate issues here, your husband and your son.

So maybe your son is missing his sister, but I don't think it is unusual for a 16 year old boy to go to his room, I do rather think that the days of ' when we all watched a comedy show together ' are over - he is growing up.

However your husband - how many adult men go to bed at 8 pm ? What time is he up to go to work ? 3 am ?

You appear to be apologising for him / his behaviour in most of your replies - his behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

And as for the possibility of you being a / the carer for his parents...

Do you behave like that when you're tired?

Lets talk about the attitude of your son too. His negative behaviour would be casting doom and gloom over the house dynamics too. He needs to have cooking duties, a full meal one night a week plus vegetable/sauce preparation to assist you one or two nights a week. I do think that his behaviour is typical of a teenager though. Best.

Thanks, so much. Yes I need to get son doing more - I think I’ve spoilt him since sister left. That’s a good guide to getting him to help. And thanks for reassuring me that that’s normal 16 yr old behavior, I guess I imagine every other family is having jolly bonding fun.
i take DH coffee at 6, I know, but he has a long drive, and he’s out of the house 7 till 6 so it’s pretty demanding and he does difficult thinking intense stuff. But no, I’m not aware that I sulk when tired, obviously.