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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL gets too close for comfort.

59 replies

Teasie123 · 30/01/2024 17:22

I've been with my husband 28 years and this problem is not a new one. My FIL used to try and get too close and it ended up in him telling me he had a crush on me. I told him to sober up and go home. He was worse a few years back but stopped drinking and I stay well away from him even now. The slimy, dirty feeling he gives me just always makes me feel so uncomfortable. Now, there's a family christening coming up and I'm so worried that he LL drink. That's when he tries to dance with me and gets too handsy. Hate that he ruins my time with family like this.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 01/02/2024 00:04

PerfectTravelTote · 31/01/2024 18:41

I'm honestly amazed (and saddened) that, in this day and age, women still feel the need to cover up men's bad behaviour in order to avoid upsetting other men. Have we learned nothing?

Seems not.
''Unhand me, you beast!''

Pinkbonbon · 01/02/2024 00:48

Just loudly 'Personal space Brian!' Any time he gets too close. And fling your arms out infront of you so much can't get close. Make everyone aware of things.

'No i don't want to dance with you you handsy old dollop. Away and sober up!'.

Amd tell your husband his father is a groper and you'd like him to keep an eye out incase you need saving.

Mirabai · 01/02/2024 09:28

ZsaZsaTheCat · 30/01/2024 20:20

This is very bad advice. Women need to robustly stand up to this sort of behaviour not pussy foot around men like this. A quick, sharp word in his ear about going to the Police-he needs stopping in his tracks. Every time you pass it off, they get bolder and who knows who else he might be targeting? You have a responsibility to challenge this, not maintain the status quo.

Show quote history

This is equally bad advice. He will just tell everyone OP threatened him with police over nothing and she’s never told anyone so it will seem very strange.

Mirabai · 01/02/2024 09:33

The only thing you can do is be very firm with him about no touching, no standing too close. Keep repeating your boundaries.

Personally, I thjnk it was a mistake not to tell your DH. It doesn’t matter how much he idolises his dad, he’s an adult, he should know, as you need protection. It’s a necessary learning curve for him imo and a lesson in idolising people.

Men will never learn what other men are like if women protect their sensibilities.

Mirabai · 01/02/2024 09:34

oakleaffy · 01/02/2024 00:04

Seems not.
''Unhand me, you beast!''

Show quote history

I know it’s very sad.

GoldDuster · 01/02/2024 09:51

I personally would be talking to my DH about this. I think that if it's more widely known that he's inappropriate around women your DH probably knows, but doesn't want to deal with it. I can see that if you feel your DH idolises him to the point he wouldn't believe you, that telling him would be a difficult thing to do.

You need to keep away from him physically. Don't kiss him or hug him hello, instead put your hand out to shake it, or wave from a distance. If anyone questions you then you can be honest and say, I've had a few bad experiences with Brian over the years and I'd rather not put myself in the position for a repeat. Would you like another drink?

You don't have to say silent so everyone else stays comfortable, who taught you that? Do you have daughters?

mbosnz · 01/02/2024 11:47

I think I would be telling DH before we went that I understood that this would be difficult for him to hear, and that's why I hadn't told him sooner, but I really couldn't go on socialising with his father without bringing him up to speed. Then I'd be telling him what you've said here, saying I'm no longer prepared to put up with it or mask his behaviour, I won't be dancing with him for obvious reasons, or staying on if he's drinking, and I will call him out on it publicly if he behaves inappropriately towards me. I'd say I understand he needs time to process, however, I expect him to believe me, to support me, and to be openly looking for any untoward behaviour from his father towards any woman, and to be prepared to call him out on it, if need be.

perfectcolourfound · 01/02/2024 11:49

TomeTome · 31/01/2024 00:10

If your father was groping dh or one of your children would you want them to hide it so you could think he was “a nice man”.

this

MarilynWhirlwindRocks · 02/02/2024 00:50

mbosnz · 01/02/2024 11:47

I think I would be telling DH before we went that I understood that this would be difficult for him to hear, and that's why I hadn't told him sooner, but I really couldn't go on socialising with his father without bringing him up to speed. Then I'd be telling him what you've said here, saying I'm no longer prepared to put up with it or mask his behaviour, I won't be dancing with him for obvious reasons, or staying on if he's drinking, and I will call him out on it publicly if he behaves inappropriately towards me. I'd say I understand he needs time to process, however, I expect him to believe me, to support me, and to be openly looking for any untoward behaviour from his father towards any woman, and to be prepared to call him out on it, if need be.

Excellent post ^^

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