Feeling disappointed that my partner isn't attracted to me

[TheresGotToBeMoreToLife]

My partner and I have been together for a year. We have a great relationship, get on very well and are planning a future together

However we have one issue. Over the year his libido has reduced down to nothing.

We only see each other at weekends and live apart during the week. He is affectionate towards me. He kisses me, cuddles me, if we're watching films, we will always cuddle up together, he shows me affection in public etc, but that's where it stops. When we go to bed, we go to sleep.

I do not suspect cheating and trust him fully. He does work fairly long hours, but nothing out of the ordinary. He is 30 and otherwise healthy.

We have spoken about it as part of a conversation about having children in the future. I mentioned that was unlikely to happen when our sex life is as it is and he said he would go and see someone if it became necessary, but I feel like for me its necessary now to put us back to being a 'normal', healthy relationship. I don't want it to only be 'necessary' when it serves a purpose.

I wouldn't leave him over this, but the thought of continuing in a sexless relationship when we're in our thirties really gets me down. I don't want to make it about me, but I absolutely do feel unwanted, rejected and unattractive. He assures me that's not the case and says its nothing to do with me, but how can it not be? What can I do to improve things?

Ah sorry to hear you're going through this. It's a tough one and I think you need to separate him finding you attractive and his libido. It is possibly he finds you very attractive but doesn't have the drive. I think an honest conversation is in order, he said he would speak to someone if needed so that sounds positive.

Presumably you have had sex?
How frequently and when was the last time?
The obvious answer is to leave as it seems unimportant to him otherwise he'd have sought help already.

There's nothing you can do to fix it, have you ever had regular sex with him? Why wouldn't you leave him?

Read the numerous threads about sexless relationships. In your 30s a year in and no sex. This will not get better and you say you wouldn't leave him for this, well you should.

Why on Earth wouldn’t you leave him? You’ve only been together a year, this is the honeymoon period of getting to know each other, no responsibilities, no shared bills, lots of shagging, the fun of making plans. It’s barely a relationship at all. Move on!

Now is the time to leave I’m afraid not 8 years down the line when you’ve got 2 DC (carefully conceived around not much sex) and a massively entwined life. Unless you’re also (genuinely) happy with very little sex.

The real him is coming out and he doesn’t want sex. Fwiw, I doubt it’s his attraction to you. It sounds much more likely that he just has a very low sex drive and he’s not really motivated to do much about it.

Improve things by getting TF out now! This will get worse and your self esteem will end up in the gutter. You already feel unwanted and rejected and it’s only been a year!

Hi, you need to be honest with yourself and with him. There is no shame in admitting sex is important to you, despite the judgement that seems to exist in society regarding women and sex.

The longer the status quo goes on, the more your partner will think all is well and why bother going for intrusive tests and treatments etc about something he could be highly embarrassed about.

The problem is unlikely to just go away. Give it another 20 years or so and you could find yourself resenting him and berating yourself for having wasted some of your best years with someone who can’t fulfil your needs.

Why wouldn’t you leave? No sex after a year is a bad, bad sign. If you want a sex life and to feel desired and attractive to your significant other, throw this one back and keep looking. You are way too young to settle for this.

He may be asexual.

He's probably telling the truth and it's not about you personally. IMO it's more likely to be about him and his lack of sex drive. But OP, you don't have to put up with this if you don't want to.

Run away and run quickly. It won’t get better and you’ll live your life full of resentment and anger and maybe need a divorce anyway. He’s not worth it. Leave.

You've been together a year and this is the case already? Throw this one back, it's not worth the heartache.

My friend was with a guy who was very reluctant to have sex with her and in the end she found out he had serious issues with porn and masturbation. In the end they couldn't resolve the issue and split. It was sad but he wanted the comfort and emotional side of the relationship but preferred to meet his sexual needs solo.

Just leave him.., you will find someone who will kiss and cuddle you as well as f*ck you quite frankly. You are too young not to be having sex! I’m 46 and my DP is 42 and we have it at least twice a week and don’t live together FT. Good luck !

Sorry OP but if he isn't keenly looking into why this is an issue (going to GP, namely) then leave. If there's no sex after a year and no clear reason be that physiological or psychological then it just isn't there between you and in your 30s and wanting kids you're better 'making this about you' and moving on with no bad feeling. Because make no mistake, I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't have 15 years loyalty towards you and will move on if he meets someone he fancies more. Alternatively he could be secretly asexual or something but do you want to be in this position? I'd have a conversation saying that you don't need it 3x a day but with no sex this is a close friendship and you're a 30s woman wanting a family which you've always been honest about so what is really going on with him? But prepare to leave. You deserve and have time to find someone who wants a full sexual and romantic relationship. I don't get there impression this guy is being fully open with you.

Just leave. He should still be jumping your bones everyday a year in.

In 10 years you'll look back and regret it all. A lifetime of feeling unwanted and unloved.

Having a baby should be fun. You're already thinking about intervention, just because he has no sex drive. That's no way for a baby to be brought into the world.

It’s not about you, it’s about him,are you sure he’s straight?

If he is asexual then he has decieved you.

Why isn't he being honest with you? That alone is a really bad sign that he won't openly communicate with you about something so fundamental to a healthy relationship.

If you were both a sexual, then fine! But you're not and it will absolutely be the end of you as a couple.

Mismatched sex drives doom relationships and self worth.

Get to the bottom of it now. End it now if things don't change.

You deserve so much better!

This early in, I'd honestly leave.
You'll end up feeling resentful. My dh has always had a lower sex drive than me, and 23 years in it has caused issues.

I wouldn't leave him over this

Then that is a fucking shame because you are literally throwing away your youth and fertility for a man who has zero interest in your happiness. If he did, he would already be trying to sort out what his issue is, because having zero sex drive at 30 is not in anyway normal.

Please don't be one of the legions of women who find out far too late that caring about someone is not enough to sustain a healthy partnership. There has to be mutual concern, trust and effort put in, and none of that is happening here.

This relationship is 100% doomed, and you will be the one to pay the price.

Don't be a martyr. It's totally OK to leave someone who is so lacklustre in the libido department, heck I was disappointed after 2 years when it started only happening once at the weekend, but he was mid 50's at the time ( ended for other reasons, but I wasn't particularly impressed.
It won't be you, and it's nothing about you. This is his issue and it is rare in someone so young tbh, most men at that age would jump at a willing partner. Maybe you you should consider why your default is that you are the problem. My attitude would always be that its the man, if we are talking attraction, he's the one who's not feeling it, unless your appearance has drastically changed in the past year - I doubt it.
With a different fella, you'd be as sexy as ever. This so early on does not bode well for the future and I'm thinking his psychology around sex is flawed as any normal man would be very surprised themselves and be moving mountains to sort it. His tacit acceptance means he could have deep issues. Do you know what his relationship history is?

I would be asking him some serious questions before committing to a future with this man. Is he asexual? Is he gay?

You are too young to settle for a sexless life. This isn't a proper relationship.

It's not a good sign when he's otherwise healthy, young, no pressures of kids, you haven't been together for a long time and you don't even see each other that often. Does he know what might be causing it or has he always been like this?

1. He could be on antidepressants which he hasn't told you about.

2. He could be confused by his sexuality which is why a long-distance relationship suits him. He can tell people he has "a girlfriend" without actually committing to living and spending all his time with a woman.

3. He could have issues with porn addiction as another poster mentioned.

4. He could have a history of SA or some other trauma/childhood upbringing that makes it impossible to enjoy sex.

5. He could be trans.

6. He has another girlfriend which is not impossible as you only see each other on weekends. He has some sort of twisted morality that it's "not cheating" if he doesn't sleep with one of you.

7. Being truly asexual is arguably the rarest reason, especially for a 30 year old man who appears healthy and neurotypical otherwise.

Whatever the reason, it does not sound like a great foundation for a relationship.