Feeling disappointed that my partner isn't attracted to me

[TheresGotToBeMoreToLife]

My partner and I have been together for a year. We have a great relationship, get on very well and are planning a future together

However we have one issue. Over the year his libido has reduced down to nothing.

We only see each other at weekends and live apart during the week. He is affectionate towards me. He kisses me, cuddles me, if we're watching films, we will always cuddle up together, he shows me affection in public etc, but that's where it stops. When we go to bed, we go to sleep.

I do not suspect cheating and trust him fully. He does work fairly long hours, but nothing out of the ordinary. He is 30 and otherwise healthy.

We have spoken about it as part of a conversation about having children in the future. I mentioned that was unlikely to happen when our sex life is as it is and he said he would go and see someone if it became necessary, but I feel like for me its necessary now to put us back to being a 'normal', healthy relationship. I don't want it to only be 'necessary' when it serves a purpose.

I wouldn't leave him over this, but the thought of continuing in a sexless relationship when we're in our thirties really gets me down. I don't want to make it about me, but I absolutely do feel unwanted, rejected and unattractive. He assures me that's not the case and says its nothing to do with me, but how can it not be? What can I do to improve things?

Nope. Leave now. Sorry OP, know these responses will be hard to read but as others have said, this is meant to be the time for not being able to keep your hands off each other. It is highly unlikely to.ever improve. Walk away - if he isn't taking steps to resolve this, then he hasn't really got the right to make you feel guilty.

How was sex when you first met? I don't understand how it's got this shit in a year?

You don't want to leave. Generally sex dies off the longer a relationship lasts. If you're not having sex now at 12 months in, how will you feel after 12 years of this shit?!

He either has a very low sex drive or is asexual, things are very unlikely to change. It has nothing to do with him rejecting you or how attractive he finds you. If you want a more active sex life though then the best thing would be to leave now. Otherwise both of you are going to end up miserable.

You're only a year in and he's already got you feeling unattractive and undesirable.

You need to leave. You are not compatible. You want a sex life; he's not bothered. This relationship will suck your self esteem dry. Don't do it to yourself.

I think you need a more in depth conversation with him... and for him to be honest about the cause of this. Then you can see if there's a workable solution or not.

Otherwise, your misery will increase over time.

You have only been together a year ..
I would be walking out the door

If this man really wanted to have children with you and really wanted a future with you, he would be seeking help for his problem without needing to be asked to do so.

He is future faking you. He is just coasting along with the hope you'll ignore the problem too and just carry on.

I wouldn't leave him over this

Well, I think you should. I certainly would.

It’s only been a year. You only see each other at weekends. That’s 28% of the year spent together. That’s not much. You’re young. You should be shagging like mad because you’re mostly apart. Instead you’re resigned and worrying he doesn’t find you at all attractive. It’s made you feel sad and inadequate. You think it’s you.

This won’t get better. This is IT. Do you really want your future to be this, getting steadily worse?

It’s grim. I’m sorry OP.

Please take heed of what everyone is saying @TheresGotToBeMoreToLife. And you’re right, there is so much more to life.

If you want a sex life you have to leave. It only gets worse not better.

I would find that a bit depressing and frustrating if I fancied him,

it’s unfair on you, you haven’t been together that long

I would honestly want a reason from him why this is happening, if he Dosen’t find you attractive then I would want to end it, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who Dosen’t find me attractive

Thanks everyone for your input. I guess I'm disappointed to read that no-one thinks it could improve. I have experienced lulls in my own libido so was hopeful of the chance of improvement but it seems no-one thinks that could be the case.

To answer some of the questions ...

Yes we used to have sex most weekends (probably 3 out of 4, mostly governed by my cycle). That has depleted now. Even on our child-free weekends, nothing is occuring!

We probably last had sex over a month ago.

Why wouldn't I leave him? I dont know. I suppose because everything else in the relationship is good and because I do love him. We have a lot of history (prior to this year together) as we've been in a relationship before. I genuinely thought he was my soulmate.

I dont think he's asexual. I can't explain it but I just don't get that feeling

I am sure he's straight

We actually have an age gap. He's 30 and I'm 38 with 2 children already. I just feels like our roles are reversed.

My appearance hasn't changed at all in the last year.

His relationship history .... I'm unsure. A few girlfriends here and there but I'm the longest relationship he has had

He hasn't always been like this, although he's never been overtly sexual. He doesn't always orgasm during sex and rarely makes any noise which I have found a bit concerning in the past. Its like he finds it all very hard work

I did wonder if he was on antidepressants but I've never known him to visit a doctor or seen any tablets around him. He has shared that he's had issues with his mental health in the past but had said it had now drastically improved

We're not particularly long-distance. Our homes are only 45 mins apart. He just works away a lot with work. He wants to move in with me soon.

Porn addiction ... always a possibility

He's not trans

He doesn't have another girlfriend

Sex when we first met (in this relationship) was good. We'd slept together when we were previously together, reignited things after a night out with mutual friends and he told me how much he'd missed me and my body.

He may be asexual or having problems getting an election...hecsounds loving otherwise but yes it's a huge part of a relationship so good luck x

You're clinging onto a sunk cost fallacy that it was ok-ish before, so it will be ok-ish going forward. It won't. Stop lying to yourself. You're not compatible.

Even after ending a course of antidepressants sometimes they can have long term effects on your libido which can persist for months or even years

This won't improve - the only way to even try to improve it, which may not last, is for him to want to, and if he was prioritising your happiness then he would want to.

Dr Psych Mom (clinical Psych and relationship counsellor) wrote Do not marry a man who regularly turns down sex, which has lots of useful insights. She writes:

"Sex is a significant area of compatibility. Minimizing its importance is dangerous and can leave you feeling trapped and lonely with a partner who is otherwise “good on paper.” It is essential not to fool yourself about how much you value sex and physical intimacy and comfort. Many women are taught that a man should be stable and kind and a good future dad. They feel slutty or stupid choosing a partner based on sexual compatibility, but this is just as important a dimension as any other."

"If you feel neglected, rejected, and lonely in your marriage, you are not going to be your best self as a wife or even as a mother. You will feel depressed, anxious, irritable, sad, and angry."

Please don't stay with him, or you'll become another of the women who post on here about how rejected and unwanted they feel. Just read through this board or search for" low libido husband" etc. It's a waste of everyone's time. There are plenty of women who don't really like sex and who would be very happy to have him - so set him free to find them.

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife I'm going to disagree with most others... I don't think frequent sex is that important for all couples though I appreciate it is for some. I know very few (if any?) genuinely happy, stable long term couples in my circle who are having a passionate sex life. Your confidence should come from within you - his libido is absolutely no reflection on you. If you don't instigate, maybe try that? Are you sure it's all him and not both of you? Also, have you ever been away on holiday together? A change of pace and scenery might help.

Don't hold yourself to anyone else's standard and do what feels right for you.

What about low testosterone?

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife

My husband had low testosterone in his 30’s. Sex dwindled and he began to suffer ED. It was miserable for me and humiliating for him.

He saw the doctor, was referred to the endo and placed on testosterone injections. This did probably take a year in total for all of the tests and appointments.

Within a few months he was a happier, re-energised man. We are in our mid 40’s now and have sex at least 2-3 times a week, or if we’re off work, more. Our sex life is great fun, and we feel closer as it has also improved emotional wellbeing.

It’s important to see the GP. The biggest thing here for me is whether or not your partner is willing to see his GP and admit there is an issue?

Maybe he has issues in that department?

First thing that came to mind was antidepressants though

Well I think you need to speak to him again, and tell him you don’t just want him to fix when you want children, but to want to have a sexual relationship with your boyfriend of 1yr. I don’t know if things will improve, but if he doesn’t even want to try then that’s your answer. Sex isn’t everything no, but it will start to eat away at you, why your boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you, and why he doesn’t want to fix it.

@DivorcedAndDelighted this is such a good quote and sums it up. Sexless marriages only work when both partners are that way inclined. This quote is very succinct and gets to the root of the issue. Thank you for posting!

You're his mate, his buddy, his best friend.

You need to say goodbye and find someone who you desires you for your womanly charms.