Am I doing the right thing by separating from DH?

[Silverholly]

I'm feeling so worried that I'm doing the wrong thing.

DH and I are about to separate. Married for over twenty years with two teen dc.

We were really in love at the beginning - I would describe DH as a good man but over the years the stresses and strains of life - including family sickness, bereavements, financial problems, house moves, work stress, dc with SEN - have all taken their toll.

We've both been to individual counselling and marriage counselling over the years but it didn't help.

What I found very difficult over the last few years was that DH withdrew totally from me emotionally and seemed shut off and annoyed with me all the time. He has also been emotionally abusive eg shouting, slammed doors, giving me the cold shoulder.

I have felt so alone and desperate over the past few years. DH had a mental health breakdown last year and left work.

He is early 50s and not planning to go back to work, he can take his pension at 55 and in the meantime has some medical insurance he can claim.

The stress in our relationship meant that I have been thinking about separation for a couple of years. I told him a few months ago and he was devastated but agreed. He's now found a flat to move into.

But over the past couple of weeks he has kept saying that maybe we can work on things. He told me that he'd fallen out of love with me a few years ago (I think because of the stresses in our relationship and outside our relationship) but he thinks he might be able to get those feelings back. DH does not want to separate as he doesn't want the dc to suffer, he likes us being a family unit, and he's also worried about the finances.

The things I have found to be a problem in our relationship are:

He has had anxiety and depression every since I've known him.

His lack of ability to cope with stress and then take it out on me. Although since he's stopped work he does not seem half as stressed so is not showing anger at home. Although he still gets very anxious with things going wrong in the house eg the boiler needing fixing etc.

He hates going out of his comfort zone, hates going abroad, or house decorating, whereas I love travelling abroad and decorating the house. This has caused a lot of conflict over the years.

He does no housework or gardening - and he doesn't mind if I don't do any either, whereas I like to have a clean and tidy house and garden.

He is now at home all day (I work) and I must admit, I find his lack of motivation very depressing. He is on his laptop all day, or goes out for coffee by himself. He is very happy as he puts it to "bumble around" all day.

I don't feel he can open up about his feelings and emotionally connect with me. Also if I bring anything up about the relationship that I'm struggling with, he gets defensive.

But the positives are:

He is financially responsible

No addictions or affairs

He loves the dc, and goes on walks with them or enjoys watching films with them.

He is happy to come with me to anywhere I organise eg theatre, cinema, day trips out and about - so I guess he's a companion to do things with.

We get on well as a family and can have nice times eg dinner times, days out etc.

We have a long shared history and like each others families.

I was so so sure that I wanted to separate and was feeling excited about a new start but now I'm having such a wobble. I don't know if I've got an unrealistic view of a long marriage. But it's like I feel we've both been "trying" for so long, and at some point you have to face that maybe the two personalities don't work together, even though neither of you has done anything awful?

There has been no sex for years, and no affection for a few years. But he's now saying he will work on this, and maybe it will come back? But I'm just not sure it can.

But then I also know there is no perfect person out there. I know that emotional connection and someone who is mentally stable and doesn't get angry is very important to me - but then maybe that person would be financially irresponsible, or maybe have affairs?

It's like I think he's a good dad and we work well as a family, but the relationship between him and I does not work well.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing if we go ahead with the separation. If anyone has any experience or advice I'd love to hear it!

I'm in exactly the same position except I haven't told him yet. I have come to the realisation that I would rather be on my own than live like this for the next 30 years.

Do you love him?

I'll try to keep this brief. Your pros list for staying with him is grim. Write a list of what you want to get out of your life and compare it to what he brings to the table.

You want a life of activity, travel, pride in your home, living life. He wants to put on his pipe and slippers. Stop comparing to what he's like in relation to another man, if another man comes into your life, nice, but focus on you and you'll become what you attract in a new guy.

He's in his comfort zone with you and flapping like a fish out of water, promising the world and rekindling an old flame, when actually he's bricking it now he realises he's going to have to wash his own underpants and clean his house the lazy midden. Get out there and live your best life. Really if you look back later on and it's been status quo the past 20 years would you be happy with how you lived?

From the outside this is a NO BRAINER, he's got into your head and he's taken you for a mug for years. Forget what he wants/needs and focus on yourself. You only get one shot!

He's worried about losing his support human.

He can still do those things with the DC. From his own home in his own time with them.

Marriage is not an alter you sacrifice your life on.

The dynamics being taught to the DC are not healthy, he sounds like a lazy cock lodger.

@MadDogMama I don't know. I have actually spent some time recently looking into the different types of love - platonic, romantic, sexual etc, as I didn't know if I loved him.

I think I feel attachment, care, familiarity with him. I love him as a friend. I like hugging him, but I don't feel sexually attracted to him any more.

A big part of the problem now is that he is at home all day just pottering around, and won't do any housework or gardening. He has no motivation to work/study, he's happy just chilling. I find this difficult, I'm not saying he's wrong to want this lifestyle, but somehow I find it frustrating. Even if I do love him, I just feel like we want different lifestyles.

It's weird because I feel I want my own space from him, but I also feel that potentially if we had our space and own houses/flat, we might work as a relationship. But he doesn't want this. It's either we are married and stay living together, or we split and live apart.

@unbelievablescenes honestly your post made me laugh - "He's in his comfort zone with you and flapping like a fish out of water, promising the world and rekindling an old flame, when actually he's bricking it now he realises he's going to have to wash his own underpants and clean his house the lazy midden."😂

Yes, I have said to him a few times that the reason he wants to now "work" on the relationship is because of his own needs - it's not because he loves me and wants me and him to work. It's like I am an accessory to the whole package, of him living in a family and having a comfortable home. He admitted to me a while back that if he was single now, he wouldn't choose someone like me.

I think he has got into my head, you are right. I think I have just realised over the past few days that quite a few of my friends and family are in similar relationships, and just put up with it. And then DH started saying we could work on things. So I started to think, maybe I shouldn't go ahead with the separation, as there is no perfect person/situation. But I know how depressed I have been about this marriage for years.

@jeaux90 yes, I have felt like his support human.

Maybe he is a cock lodger - I've always found it hard to think about him like that, as I know he is not a bad person at heart, and he loves the dc. But I think he can definitely be self centred and self absorbed.

I have struggled to put my needs first for the whole of my marriage, and it feels like I am breaking out of my old way of life, which feels freeing but also scary, as I will lose the family unit and benefits of having a partner.

He gets more infuriating by the minute, the cheeky bugger that he is! He's messing with your head to keep you down and compliant. Wouldn't pick someone like you??? What? A loving, caring, attentive, adventurous, fun, motivated woman who works hard in her career and for her family despite the fact that her husband is a lazy, boring, unambitious, clarty, manky arsehole? Honestly when you're clear of this dead weight you're going to look back and wonder if you'd had a bump on the head getting wrapped into this situation.

PS I speak from experience, can't even look at my exH now, furious with myself for being a walkover so long but loving being 2 years free of it 😀 It was HARD to leave but I'm so glad I did

I'm inclined to think that a large part of true enduring love in a mature partnership isn't about 'feelings', it's about behaviour, actions.

What does this man do for you, OP? What would mean a lot to you that he really could do but he CBA?

Agree with PP

Love is actions, not words.

You are doing the right thing without a doubt. He sounds utterly intolerable.

I suspect that there may well be addiction from your OP - lack of sex or affection, apathetic and passive in the relationship - no interest in you or changing things - always on his laptop.. could it be porn addiction?

He wants a free housekeeper. Get him out before he drags you down with him.

"Thinks he might be able to get those feelings back" is not exactly a sentence to set your heart aflame, is it?

How about - he works on those feelings from his new flat? I'm not kidding, maybe it will actually kick start him into action. Or maybe it won't. A trial separation.

I can't think of anything more depressing than living with someone who pleads that they are "trying" to revive their old feelings for me... It would be like watching a kettle boil forever. Let him boil that kettle on his own time!

OP on your pros list everything there you could do as good co-parents, save for companion to theatre and that you can go with friends. Of course he wants to try now, but that’s not to do with you, it’s him panicking he doesn’t want to be on his own. I guarantee if you do stay together he willl regularly comment ima my argument, “maybe we should have separated”. You’ve done the hard bit don’t stop now.

I am more of a person like your husband,and I totally agree that you should have a life that you love and enjoy and separation sounds like the only way for you to achieve this.

Even at this late stage he’s still not listening to you or taking your feelings into consideration.

He’s still doing the things he wants, the way he wants them. He has separation staring him in the face and still wants it his way. He won’t compromise and won’t consider separating and staying married (which you state could be an option). He won’t even consider doing any house work while you are at work.

He says he wants to ‘work’ on the marriage, but what has he actually done?
Words are easy, action is the only way to tell if they are serious or just bullshitting.

Hes bullshitting and bluffing you. Separating doesn’t have to be a one way street. I think you should live apart, and if you start to feel that works for you, you might possibly, maybe feel warmer towards him. But you won’t know until you try. And at this stage it’s no longer his decision to make.

You have enough good reasons (and more) to not want to live with him. I think your husband thinks he’s still in the driving seat. He is wrong, for once you are.

Please grab this opportunity to live a your own life with both hands and make him leave. Be the main character in your own life for once.

I’ve recently separated and everyday I wake up feeling blessed I don’t have to deal with my ex’s behaviour anymore.

The only thing I’d possibly suggest before making a final decision, is how much time and effort have you (both of you) really been putting into each other, your marriage, your relationship in recent years?

And I don’t mean watching tv together for an hour before bed or eating a meal together on the sofa watching a show? I mean how much genuine quality time have you both put in- how many date nights have you been on, how much times have you spent time just asking about & chatting about one another’s days, how many times have you or he brought home a little gift “just because”, how often do you cuddle up together, how often do you make plans together etc etc?

I ask because the harsh reality of life is that long term relationships take a lot of work to keep healthy, it’s a conscious decision that both people have to make every single day to nourish that connection. It sounds as though you’ve had a lot to contend with as a couple- work stress, bereavements, a child with SEN, financial stresses- it is easy to prioritise those things and “put those fires out”, assuming your relationship will always be there for you to fall back on when actually that isn’t the case. It seems like when you have both gotten through the fog of all of those different stresses you had realised that your relationship seemed too far gone to even try to resurrect.

That may be the case, but it also may not be. Only you can decide what it is that you want, and only you know whether you feel you have both truly tried everything, but if there is even a small part of you that is wondering if it could be saved maybe it is worth a little bit of effort (from both sides) to try before signing divorce papers? X

Could you have a trial separation for a month or two, then discuss after that? (Haven't RTFT, so apologies if already covered.)

He won't do housework. End it. You deserve better than to spend your time supporting someone who won't do their bit in making your home a pleasant, relaxing and happy environment.

Please don't spend the next 30 years with someone who thinks it is ok for another human being (one with much less free time) to run after them unreciprocated.

This so, so good!

She's not looking at divorce right now - just separation. So it's not about pulling a final trigger. And interestingly, she does say in her last para that she thinks they would have more chance as a couple if they tried living separately. It does sound like this is a very low energy guy and that someone like the OP has probably worn herself out and driven herself mad trying to connect with him over the years. They've even tried counselling, and he's still just completely withdrawn. So separation seems worth a try, one way or another.

I can't think of anything more depressing than living with someone who pleads that they are "trying" to revive their old feelings for me... It would be like watching a kettle boil forever. Let him boil that kettle on his own time!

Its really like he has put the kettle on but won’t turn the heat on. That kettle will never boil! And there’s probably no water in it anyway. You’d be a fool to expect a cup of tea from this man.

I had a man like this - depressed, disengaged, no sex, crap round the house & he drained the life out of me.

I am so glad I left him.

Haha, yes! Like watching someone stand by a kettle whingeing "I'm really trying to make myself a cup of tea, I really want one, stop saying I'm not trying! No, you can't use the kettle, it's my turn!" yet not making any moves to fill it with water, fetch mug and tea bag, etc 😂