Am I doing the right thing by separating from DH?

[Silverholly]

I'm feeling so worried that I'm doing the wrong thing.

DH and I are about to separate. Married for over twenty years with two teen dc.

We were really in love at the beginning - I would describe DH as a good man but over the years the stresses and strains of life - including family sickness, bereavements, financial problems, house moves, work stress, dc with SEN - have all taken their toll.

We've both been to individual counselling and marriage counselling over the years but it didn't help.

What I found very difficult over the last few years was that DH withdrew totally from me emotionally and seemed shut off and annoyed with me all the time. He has also been emotionally abusive eg shouting, slammed doors, giving me the cold shoulder.

I have felt so alone and desperate over the past few years. DH had a mental health breakdown last year and left work.

He is early 50s and not planning to go back to work, he can take his pension at 55 and in the meantime has some medical insurance he can claim.

The stress in our relationship meant that I have been thinking about separation for a couple of years. I told him a few months ago and he was devastated but agreed. He's now found a flat to move into.

But over the past couple of weeks he has kept saying that maybe we can work on things. He told me that he'd fallen out of love with me a few years ago (I think because of the stresses in our relationship and outside our relationship) but he thinks he might be able to get those feelings back. DH does not want to separate as he doesn't want the dc to suffer, he likes us being a family unit, and he's also worried about the finances.

The things I have found to be a problem in our relationship are:

He has had anxiety and depression every since I've known him.

His lack of ability to cope with stress and then take it out on me. Although since he's stopped work he does not seem half as stressed so is not showing anger at home. Although he still gets very anxious with things going wrong in the house eg the boiler needing fixing etc.

He hates going out of his comfort zone, hates going abroad, or house decorating, whereas I love travelling abroad and decorating the house. This has caused a lot of conflict over the years.

He does no housework or gardening - and he doesn't mind if I don't do any either, whereas I like to have a clean and tidy house and garden.

He is now at home all day (I work) and I must admit, I find his lack of motivation very depressing. He is on his laptop all day, or goes out for coffee by himself. He is very happy as he puts it to "bumble around" all day.

I don't feel he can open up about his feelings and emotionally connect with me. Also if I bring anything up about the relationship that I'm struggling with, he gets defensive.

But the positives are:

He is financially responsible

No addictions or affairs

He loves the dc, and goes on walks with them or enjoys watching films with them.

He is happy to come with me to anywhere I organise eg theatre, cinema, day trips out and about - so I guess he's a companion to do things with.

We get on well as a family and can have nice times eg dinner times, days out etc.

We have a long shared history and like each others families.

I was so so sure that I wanted to separate and was feeling excited about a new start but now I'm having such a wobble. I don't know if I've got an unrealistic view of a long marriage. But it's like I feel we've both been "trying" for so long, and at some point you have to face that maybe the two personalities don't work together, even though neither of you has done anything awful?

There has been no sex for years, and no affection for a few years. But he's now saying he will work on this, and maybe it will come back? But I'm just not sure it can.

But then I also know there is no perfect person out there. I know that emotional connection and someone who is mentally stable and doesn't get angry is very important to me - but then maybe that person would be financially irresponsible, or maybe have affairs?

It's like I think he's a good dad and we work well as a family, but the relationship between him and I does not work well.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing if we go ahead with the separation. If anyone has any experience or advice I'd love to hear it!

You don't sound compatible OP.

Ideally in a relationship you would have both sexual attraction, and a good friendship with values and interests in common. But I've seen successful relationships where only one of these applied - e.g. relationships where the passion has waned but their shared interests and friendship still bonded them; or passionate relationships both parties are quite different and enjoy different activites in their free time.

But you have neither - no attraction or shared joy in life. And he'll only get worse with age. I see it with my parents - they just don't do anything with their lives, they never push themselves out their comfort zone to travel or try new activites. The result is that they find increasingly find normal everyday interactions and stresses more and more difficult to deal with. Do not waste the rest of your life with this man - you will grow old before your time.

He is early 50s - are you close to him in age?
How/ How easily would you do this things that would be fulfilling to you if you were separated? Not to do with love, but to do with the things that fill your tank - travelling, having a house the way you like it? Would there be different things like finances or the arrangement regarding your children, that would affect those? Would you be happy to do them whether alone or with someone else (perhaps happier?)

Things that look to be significant in different ways are:
Counselling hasn't helped.
He has not handled stress well. As he has had a big source of it removed, things are good now because there are no demands on him, but is this something he will get used to? Could the financial situation and comparatively early retirement turn into the next bit of consuming stress where the things that you still want to do, that cost money, and that he doesn't enjoy, come into the picture?

Even if you separated as a trial, some of these things would move along the road and become clearer for both of you in a year, rather than everything now, or stay the same.

Imagine what it will be like once you retire and you have to put up with his nonsense full time.

Of course he doesn’t want to stay married but live separately - he’d actually have to get off his arse and pull his weight if he had to live on his own!

He also doesn’t want you to realise how much easier your life will be when you’re not living with him, hence the “all or nothing” attitude.

Life is very short, don’t waste it on someone who brings you down for decades and is only prepared to make a token effort when you’ve threatened to separate. He could have been making effort all along, he just didn’t want to. (And even now his effort level sounds like it’s only a smidge above fuck all).

Well he's not going to change is he - men don't, especially at that age. Do you really want to compromise the rest of your life by living like this?

DH does not want to separate as he doesn't want the dc to suffer, he likes us being a family unit, and he's also worried about the finances.

So he's pretending to stay 'for the children', likes looking like a family man to the world (while he absolutely refuses to lift a finger at home or pick up after himself), and his primary concern is staying together for financial reasons, not love. Anyone will do, if he had to pick again it wouldn't be you, but he'll stick with you so as not to upset his current status.

Attractive.

Not.

I'd go through with the separation and see how you feel about the situation and him after you've lived apart for a few months.

He’s panicking that his easy life is about to end. Thats all.

Especially after this gem:

He admitted to me a while back that if he was single now, he wouldn't choose someone like me.

He has to go.

Oh my goodness you could have almost another 40 years of this, twice what you've already put in.
Why would you do that to yourself for someone who never puts you first?

Here's a question for you then @Silverholly - if you were single now, would you choose someone like him?

There's your answer!

He likes being in a family unit?

He will still be part of a family, just one where he doesn’t have a free housekeeper to support his bumbling about in comfort.

As others have said, it is dawning on him that he’ll have to do all his own housework and he doesn’t like the idea. Don’t be emotionally manipulated by him. Carry on with the separation, and don’t start agreeing to him staying over for the sake of the kids, or any BS like that.

My own marriage ended last year. I'd been with ex for 20 years. It's hard and it's sad when such a long relationship ends. But sometimes there is no choice other than for it to end. It sounds like you're not compatible as partners. The only way the relationship would survive would be if sacrifices were made and it sounds like he is not someone who would sacrifice very much.

I like my ex a hell of a lot more now we have split up. But I know I would never get back with him. I sacrificed so much of myself in our marriage and I have intentionally decided to remain single for at least the next 12 months while I work on finding myself and recognising my own needs again (it's such a twatish thing to say!) I am so much happier having a home how I want it to be and doing things I want to do.

I might never have another relationship. I will probably never live with another partner again. But that's OK and you shouldn't stay in a subpar relationship out of a fear of being alone. It is usually always best to be alone.

What's he doing on the laptop all day? A pp mentioned porn addiction he really does tick so many boxes for that. It really can present as depression or lack of motivation when their whole brain is hijacked/rewired.
Not that that needs to be your concern op I think deep down you know what's best for you and this man is not it.
I think this is just a wobble. Very understandable.

I can't see anything you have mentioned OP that is a benefit to you. Whether other people stay in these situations is irrelevant. You are clearly getting nothing out of this and never will. Why should you stay with someone who is content in his early 50s to "bumble around" and not work, expect you to cook and clean for him and barely engage with you? Is he going to do this for 30 years???

You should read a book called "too good to leave, too bad to stay" if you have any lingering doubts about separation. It really helps to identify and validate how you feel about the relationship.

Separation is a big step to take and is a major change for all of you including the children .

It is understandable to have a wobble and think it is better to stay with the status quo . It does sound though that you have done your best through counselling etc to give the marriage a go . It is significant that now he is no longer working he still isn't contributing to housework etc . I do get that as you say that he doesn't see this is important, but it still means that he leaves you to take up the slack / bulk ( all) of the housework etc .

I think for your own well being and that of your children you do need to try out the separation . I don't think you should give him any indication that it is a trial but you could consider this as an option for you .

If he does really want to change and demonstrates this over time then you could reconsider if that is genuinely what you want . Some people will reconcile after they separate ( or even after they divorce ) as they realise they really miss the person / are willing to change / lonely . I think you have put his needs first over your own and now is the time to see what your life would be like without living with him .

Good luck

That's a good point. I think I've been so confused about what love should be like in a mature relationship and whether I'm expecting too much. Obviously I know the initial infatuation/ honeymoon stage wears off and then I suppose the reality of both people's behaviour becomes apparent.

What could DH do for me? I would appreciate it so much if he did housework, gardening, worked or even volunteered, paid attention to me, wanted to find out about me, my feelings, interests. I would love it if he showed me affection. I can't remember the last time he even made me a cup of tea! Although he has always taken responsibility for managing our finances, which I do appreciate.

But to be honest I usually just feel invisible!

That's interesting you say that, I have wondered if he is addicted to porn. He is up late every night, and I know for sure he used to watch it.

@MarshaMarshaMarshmellow @pikkumyy77 love the kettle/cup of tea analogy, it's very apt!! I have been feeling quite down and anxious but some of these posts are really making me laugh!😂

You are absolutely doing the right thing. He will never change, even if he says he will. You are worth more - give yourself the gift of a life without him.

@Iamnotawinp everything you have said rings true

"He says he wants to ‘work’ on the marriage, but what has he actually done?
Words are easy, action is the only way to tell if they are serious or just bullshitting."

yes exactly, and I have heard so many times over the years that he will change and wants to work on things. Things only ever improved temporarily then went back to the status quo.

@Mrsttcno1 I know what you mean, and all these points are what has kept me wondering for months/years do I stay or go? Can I/could we do any more?

Reading your post is good as I realise that yes, I did all of that for years - asked about his day, suggested date nights, cuddled up on the sofa. Although he always was happy to go along with these things, it was ALWAYS me instigating everything. Even counselling for him or us both was instigated/ organised by me. I don't think he's ever really taken responsibility for maintaining the relationship. He checked out long ago.

If he genuinely loved you and wanted it to work he would try anything, ie the trial separation. The fact he doesn't want you to leave shows that he's just going to miss his housekeeper, not you as a woman, IMO

There has been no sex for years, and no affection for a few years. But he's now saying he will work on this, and maybe it will come back?
So he's saying that if he'd wanted to, all these years, he could have put more effort into improving your marriage - but he didn't bother?

DH does not want to separate as he doesn't want the dc to suffer,
How are the dc coping with their parents being in a loveless relationship? Is it doing them any good? Setting an example for them to follow?
My exh tried the "don't want the dc to suffer" with me but it was a method of making me do what he wanted by making me feel guilty, when we were separating due to his poor behaviour.
he likes us being a family unit, and he's also worried about the finances.
Well, at least he's being honest that he doesn't want to stay with you because he likes you and would miss you if you weren't there. All purely practical reasons.

I separated from my exh when the children were teens. You do miss out on some things that you used to do as a family. I'm financially worse off, too. The breakup was horrible. But rebuilding my life afterwards was wonderful: finding myself again, regaining my independence and leaving behind the unsatisfied wife I'd been so long. And for the last 7 years I've been with a man who does things that make me feel happy. He's really made me wonder why I stayed with my exh for so long.

Your DH sounds very similar to my exDP. I finished our relationship earlier this month after almost 20 years. It was terrifying making this decision, especially as we have children. It was the right decision to make though.

Good luck figuring out what is best for you.

It’s understandable to be getting cold feet, it’s such a massive decision. You sound very different characters. He just seems to be a passenger in the family/his life. Of course he doesn’t want to lose his lifestyle, having to live on his own and doing everything for himself.

I guess you have to project forward, think about how you would feel with him at home doing nothing and milling about and you working and running everything at home. And then knowing that he is trying to reignite his feelings for you… is that really enough for you?