Send me a hug :( moving into a 1-bed flat after an abusive relationship is so overwhelming

[calatheamama]

I'm trying my best, but feeling very, very overwhelmed - I've got supportive friends and family, but obviously there is only so much they can do when leading their own busy lives and/or living on the other side of the country. I actually feel a bit guilty sitting here writing this post, instead of getting on with important jobs.

I'm in the process of completely uprooting my life to live in a 1-bed flat after an abusive relationship ended. (I won't go into details, but it ended under extreme circumstances with the police involved and he's currently under a restraining order.) It feels like I'm handling three major crises at once - the heartbreak of losing someone you thought you loved and all the self-doubt over the abuse (I still feel like I'm somehow in the wrong), the legalities with the police involved, all the financial and practical demands of moving house (it's so bloody expensive!!)

I've tried my best to make an organised, if very long, list of tasks for the next couple of weeks, but I've realised 1) I was made so dependent on my ex that I don't know how to do basic life stuff like taking gas and energy metre readings, or setting up broadband (so embarrassing at my age - I'm learning as I go along!)
But also 2) I'm most likely depressed again. Just getting out of bed and showering are monumental tasks. Everything feels like it's in slow motion.

Even with counselling I've started, I feel so unwell with the stress of doing all this alone - self-care and fitness, etc, has been on hold. There are moments of relief - last night my appetite finally returned after 2 weeks and I was able to cook myself a lovely meal, then took myself to the cinema. But by the morning, everything felt shit and unmanageable again.

Then sometimes I panic about living alone for the first time in a 1-bed flat - will I be lonely? Or will it be liberating? I keep reminding myself that I'll come out stronger, happier, healthier and more independent eventually, but I'm in real need for hugs and hand holding right now :(

Or general practical/emotional tips on how to get through this... sigh

Sounds like you are doing amazing and nothing to be embarrassed about. You will be okay and keep telling yourself that xx

Congratulations on getting away from your abusive ex, this is where your life begins.

Have you thought about a flat share? Be cheaper and less daunting than going it alone?

Couldn’t read and run. You’re safe now, that’s what’s most important. Moving house is so overwhelming, I have no idea how to set up broadband either, we learn as we go. One step at a time, if you’re getting out of bed and only brushing your teeth, that’s still something. Take some time to acknowledge what’s happened so you can accept it moving forward. When you feel like it, start with the smallest task on your priority list and work your way up. I hope thinks start to look up soon for you x

Your doing amazing op and yes it will be liberating living with yourself and your own independence.

Do things at your own pace so your not overwhelmed and by this time next year you’ll be a new person big hugs to you x

First, take self care off hold. Now you're safe, it's your number one priority to give you the strength to stay well and tackle what needs to be done. Second, take your time. You have the rest of your (free, safe) life ahead of you. Not every task needs to be immediate. Third, open up to those supportive friends (who will be desperate to know how they can help practically) and ask them to do, or help you learn to do the things you need to. Fourth, you have been brave and strong and are doing something incredibly difficult. Give yourself a break.

Well done, OP for getting away. You've had a lot of very stressful events one after the other, be kinder to yourself!

If I lived near to you I'd be happy to sit with you while you sorted your broadband and read your meters. You can do it! And YouTube tells you how to do lots of stuff.

Enjoy your calm and peaceful home 🏡

Do one thing at a time. Finish one thing before moving on to something else. Set yourself one thing to do a day. If you want to do more when you have done it, fine, but if not, that is all good too. Do something every day for fun and enjoyment - look at something, listen to a podcast or audio book, smell something nice like essential oils. Baby steps.

I'm a little ahead of you OP and my goodness I remember the overwhelm of the initial few days , weeks.... despite how awful things had been, just everything being down to me .. and things I wasn't sure how to do (or wasn't ever "allowed " - in a "controlling but not mean" to have opinion/ input into) ...it all just felt overwhelming...

I am by no means out the other side (whatever that is or looks like.....) but some things that helped:
*Asking for ALL the help my friends would and could give (and they wanted to ) , whether that was bringing a coffee/ food/ a message/ arranging a dinner or lunch or coffee (in the future even - something to look forward to ) . Making things as easy as I could ( I don't think I cooked for a few weeks .... mainly ate things that were instant or people brought.....) ..... eventually cooking/ making simple things became enjoyable (And doable) again.

Things like the meter readings and the broadband my friends were happy to help with (and youtube was fantastic too) .. I made a list and if I could tick off one thing a day or 2 (read electric meter and phone company and let them know etc.. etc..) . I don't know if via police or anyone else you've had a chance to link with women's aid? they have support workers and advocates who can help and support....
keep reaching out , I feel so different to the initial days and weeks (not that it's not hard still, but you will get there I promise)

Well done for taking the big step.
Just take one day at a time. You will soon get into the swing of your new peaceful life xxx

Take the pressure off yourself OP. Celebrate small triumphs. You have been through so much - give yourself time. And please don’t rush into a new relationship while you are vulnerable. Focus on you and you alone.

I've been there. As PP said, do one thing at a time. Focus on the next thing, do it, congratulate yourself. It will be great to live in your - safe, full of freedom - 1 bed flat.

You’re doing brilliantly OP! I’m quite envious of your ability to take yourself to the cinema!

When I’ve moved house (which I’ve done many time) I’ve just done one thing every day. There’s no rush and I’ve found every time I’ve moved everything’s been made a bit easier….like being able to sort driving licence etc online. Honestly, all the household stuff is so easy.

Do some research on abuse/narcissism…Dr Ramani on YouTube is good.

Get in the shower as soon as you get up, before you do anything else and get some lovely toiletries and you can even brush your teeth in the shower. Well it works for me anyway!

"I keep reminding myself that I'll come out stronger, happier, healthier and more independent eventually"
An you will!Good job on leaving him. Thousands of hugs for you. You will be fine!

Another vote for using YouTube or WikiHow if you don't have anyone on hand to talk you through tasks.

Also do not be too proud to accept any help/support on offer, or reach out to request help with practical matters.

Good call by pp to brush your teeth in the shower and getting in there whilst the kettle's boiling for your coffee.

I'd also find an 'uplifting' shower gel that makes you feel good and vital!

This time next year you'll be a much more true self rather than the version you became to pacify your ex.

Hang on in there.

Yes - maybe try a flat share? Or get a 2 bed and rent out a room. What about getting a dog. Can help a lot with loneliness. Or borrowing a dog on borrowed a dog on my doggie.

Sending you a virtual hug. Many moons ago, I was in a similar position. I remember the feeling I got when closing and locking my front door. The relief. I knew there were difficult times ahead but that I would be ok. And I was.

I can totally relate, I left an abusive marriage emotionally and physically. Police were involved,arrested and charged a few times before I took the plunge to leave. I didn't realise how controlled I was. I was 26 and had to practically learn everything from doing bills,making appointments etc and also for once doing it when I wanted not when I was told. It took me a few months of just functioning to get in my feet, some days I thought I wouldn't even make it. One morning I woke up about 6 months after and couldn't stop grinning ,I had done it taken my life back and was in control of it myself and now 5 years on I'm the happiest I've ever been. It does get better trust me it just feels so hard at the beginning

Well done on taking the big step OP! Sending you a virtual hug.

Hope you get some support to take care of your mental health.

This hypnosis "" and the accompanying book have helped me during difficult times. I usually listen to the hypnosis before going to bed. If I do this 2-3 days in a row I can notice a slight change. Also found the book "feeling good" by David Burns and the accompanying workbook "10 days to self esteem" helpful. I haven't been in your situation before. So these recommendations might not be useful for you at all, but sharing it just in case it helps.

You can do this! You've survived an abusive relationship so you are strong even if you don't feel you are.

The key thing is you can learn how to do these things. And you will have days when it's too much everyone does. Recovery isn't linear but you will get there.

It is stressful. Moving house is always stressful, especially when it wasn't your plan to do so.

I can give you a bit of advice about meter reading. Meters are usually pretty easy to read. Don't count anything after the decimal point. If by some reason you have a dial meter, read it like a clock. So if it's just before the nine, that's an eight. They're very rare though! It'll be a digital display most likely. If you're not sure about which meter is yours, check a bill or call the energy company and ask for the MPAN so you can compare it. That's a unique alphanumerical code on the meter. If it's the electric meter and it's giving you a day and a night read, that means you're on a dual rate with the day being more expensive than the night. I'd recommend getting one of those swapped for a single rate unless you have overnight storage heaters.

Also, if you're not sure what buttons to press to bring up the read, take a photo of it and Google lens it for instructions.

Thanks @WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo that's really useful advice - hopefully coupled with some YouTube advice I'll get there. The landlord has left me in the dark (luckily not literally) with all the household info, I didn't even know until yesterday that the metres are in a basement, not the flat itself!

I've found out the current supplier and meter point reference number, so is it simply the case of calling them up, getting my name on the account and giving them the current readings? I'm a bit confused how it all works!

@Bubbleohseven I had considered a house share, but I spent a good part of my early 20s in house shares before moving in with my ex, and I really feel now like having my own space that I can make entirely my own - without having to share kitchen and bathroom! It will be a challenge, but that part is exciting at least.

🤗@calatheamama

@AmethystSparkles the poignant part is that I used to be so independent before the relationship with my ex - I was always out and about, taking myself to shows and adventures on the train somewhere new. When I was in my early 20s I thought nothing of going travelling solo and living in new countries. Then my ex started getting jealous and suspicious about me going anywhere alone, despite the fact that he never wanted to do anything other than sit in front of the TV. So I stopped going at all, and I lost my confidence and curiosity in the world.

Good advice on the Dr Ramani videos... every time I watch or read materials about narcissistic/covert abuse I'm stunned at how accurately it describes our relationship... I keep going back to these when Im having moments of self-doubt