Send me a hug :( moving into a 1-bed flat after an abusive relationship is so overwhelming

[calatheamama]

I'm trying my best, but feeling very, very overwhelmed - I've got supportive friends and family, but obviously there is only so much they can do when leading their own busy lives and/or living on the other side of the country. I actually feel a bit guilty sitting here writing this post, instead of getting on with important jobs.

I'm in the process of completely uprooting my life to live in a 1-bed flat after an abusive relationship ended. (I won't go into details, but it ended under extreme circumstances with the police involved and he's currently under a restraining order.) It feels like I'm handling three major crises at once - the heartbreak of losing someone you thought you loved and all the self-doubt over the abuse (I still feel like I'm somehow in the wrong), the legalities with the police involved, all the financial and practical demands of moving house (it's so bloody expensive!!)

I've tried my best to make an organised, if very long, list of tasks for the next couple of weeks, but I've realised 1) I was made so dependent on my ex that I don't know how to do basic life stuff like taking gas and energy metre readings, or setting up broadband (so embarrassing at my age - I'm learning as I go along!)
But also 2) I'm most likely depressed again. Just getting out of bed and showering are monumental tasks. Everything feels like it's in slow motion.

Even with counselling I've started, I feel so unwell with the stress of doing all this alone - self-care and fitness, etc, has been on hold. There are moments of relief - last night my appetite finally returned after 2 weeks and I was able to cook myself a lovely meal, then took myself to the cinema. But by the morning, everything felt shit and unmanageable again.

Then sometimes I panic about living alone for the first time in a 1-bed flat - will I be lonely? Or will it be liberating? I keep reminding myself that I'll come out stronger, happier, healthier and more independent eventually, but I'm in real need for hugs and hand holding right now :(

Or general practical/emotional tips on how to get through this... sigh

Well done you've been so brave.

In my experience, when you're struggling the first 30 minutes of the day are the worst. I'm not sure if it's because our minds have been processing things overnight. So when you wake up, tell yourself "I just have to get through the next half hour, make a cup of tea, little walk to get fresh air, and things will look brighter". Are you reading any books? Really good distraction to get absorbed, rather than watching telly in the eve or scrolling.

I recommend:
Rubbernecker
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow
Rebecca

Keep coming back here so we can support you x

Actually a couple more things:

-Understandable you're depressed - the rug has been ripped from under you. Great you're having counselling but would you consider starting sertraline to take the edge off the low mood, even for a year until you get back on your feet?
-Come back here to ask practical advice on bills. It can feel so complicated so don't worry. Also money saving expert is useful.
-Do you have local friends? If not, what about joining a running group and a book club just to make a couple of local single friends you can have a drink with so you have plans to look forward to.

Living on your own takes adjustment but this will be the making of you. You'll get back to your adventurous self. You have given yourself such an incredible gift of freedom and peace and now you have the whole world waiting for you!

I'd also suggest Women Don't Owe You Pretty by Florence Given for thinking about what you should accept from men and give you an inspiring boost about how amazing being single is.

You're very welcome!

You can do it online these days, if it's a standard meter. I'd have a look at a comparison website and see which is the best tariff and then you just need your opening reads, which means what the meter reading is when you moved in. Personally, I like to take a picture of the reading in case I need it later. Some tenancies say you can't change the supplier, so check your agreement first.

If it's a prepayment meter, I'd make sure you call to set it up in case there's historical debt on it. It's not common, but best to double check in case you end up paying money you don't owe.

@calatheamama I can almost guarantee that once all the hard stuff is done and you’ve settled in, you will LOVE your new life.

You are fabulous x

This is so true! And apparently its partly to do with being dehydrated. So I'd add a pint of water first thing when you wake feeling very low. Not a miracle obviously but it does lift my mood.

You're doing brilliantly.

When I moved me & DS into our 1 bed flat, I shrank my life to what I could cope with at the time, and then gradually worked out from there.

Take it slowly, and do little things to brighten your day. Daffodils in the kitchen and cocoa before bed. Sleep as much as you can. Don't rush anywhere at weekends. Let yourself heal. 2024 will be fabulous xx