Am I a female cocklodger? How not to be

[celico23]

I am a 27yo who moved in with my dp and his parents two years ago after finding out I was pregnant. From here it was intended that we start saving for a house deposit.

background:

I work full time out of the house from 6:00-19:00 mon-fri but currently on maternity leave for a year.

• i don’t pay rent but did discuss this with dp before moving in was told no, just to pay for toiletries
• dp pays £500 rent to his parents a month
• i put £500-1000 towards our house deposit each month - same as dp (excluding this time I am on maternity leave but will make up for this once I am back at work).
• I also saved to cover myself during maternity leave (although my dp did open a joint account I can access during maternity leave).

I pay for all toiletries my bills and any food shopping and offer to buy for his parents each time.

I have always felt guilty for living here as I don’t like to feel indebted and would expect to pay my way. although his parents are kind i feel my partner is starting to resent me. Now we have children, there have been times Ive had to express boundaries with his parents and it makes the environment awkward. I don’t like to feel as though I have to be passive in exchange for living here, particularly as a new mum. He has told me to leave at times during arguments so I am starting to feel vulnerable and that I should focus on ensuring I am okay financially if we were to break up. Can you advise how I could feel like I contribute more here considering his parents and him would refuse money from me or if I should focus on my own savings. I have said that if we break up I will not take the house deposit money but I will prioritise my savings as he has already told me to leave before and I don’t have a leg to stand on really. I need an outside perspective or if I am unreasonable?
thank you

How did you move in two years ago because you were pregnant but are still on mat leave and not contributing or working?

It is very hard for your generation to get housing. I would be prepared to allow my children and their partners to live with me for free while saving. One couple are living here, but not full time, as they have the other parents house too, and move between them. Obviously it is not always easy. However, the best payment you can offer your PIL is to let them know how grateful you are, and tell them you will be fully willing to do the same thing for their grandchildren and great grandchildren if and when it is needed down the line

Sorry if I've missed something but Why were you only saving £500 some months if you worked full time and were only paying for toiletries ?

If he has told you leave then I would focus on finding somewhere for you and your baby so he doesn’t constantly hold that threat over you.
If he wants to leave with you and continue the relationship that’s fine, but keep it in your name only.
Some space away from his DP might improve or end things, but you shouldn’t be living with him telling you to leave every time you have an argument.

Assuming this is second pregnancy

Honestly if he keeps telling you to leave every time you have a row: this is not a viable relationship.

If you do split up, you should definitely take your portion of the house deposit money as you’ll need it to secure your own and your DC’s future. Don’t be swayed by a misguided sense of obligation.

Look, you’ve offered to contribute more and they’ve all refused your offers (both your DP and his parents), so your DP has no right to feel resentful-you’re doing your best not to cocklodge!

If you think it would help, speak to your DP again and explain that you’re getting the sense that he’s feeling resentful and what would he like you to do about it? Turn it around on him and make him give you a straight answer. Don’t try to guess what he wants. Good luck, you’re doing your best. 💐

@Bearpawk that does sound like a piss take from both of them, accidental pregnancy, move in with his parents to save and get yourselves on your feet seems reasonable albeit nice of his parents to offer, you'd both want to be doing your level best to work hard save hard and move out, to then get pregnant again is definite CF territory, surely!

If all you were paying for was toiletries, and your boyfriend has been paying little in the way of bills and so saving money too, surely you have a house deposit now after two years, even taking into account maternity leave? Having a second child while still living with his parents is, honestly, a bit of a pisstake imo.

When you break up you need to take your share of the money before telling him you're going, and keep up your own secure savings
You have at least two children to house and that has to be your priority.

Stop having babies. You've had two in close succession, which is adding to your vulnerability.

Ensure you go back to work no matter how much "easier" it will be not to.

Start the conversation about when you can move out. How much is saved? How much is needed? You both work and pay nominal amounts, you should have tons saved already.

Oh, and don’t get pregnant again until you’re settled in your own home. Things sound abit dicey atm.

I agree you sound as though you're both taking the piss by having a second baby while living there.

But you're not the only cocklodger. You both need to move yourselves and your children out of his parent's home, and start standing on your own feet as parents.

You have kids the £500 is your contribution. Doesn't matter who it comes from. You should be a team.

Doesn't sound like a good relationship from what you have said.

Apologies for the confusion.
first pregnancy ended in a late miscarriage.
I Moved in February 2022. Miscarriage in July 2022 but fell pregnant again in Jan 2023. on mat leave from July 2023 (premature birth) to July coming

Maybe she was rounding up? I assumed she meant they moved in soon after finding out, but she is now approaching the end of her Mat leave, that would make it 20 months...

You aren’t contributing financially but in real terms if youre home, you’re saving (between the two parents) probably a £1000 - 2000 a month in childcare.
however…

I have said that if we break up I will not take the house deposit money but I will prioritise my savings as he has already told me to leave before and I don’t have a leg to stand on really.

wtf is that. I’d have immediately made plans to leave. Why are you putting up with being treated so awfully, and told how vulnerable and worthless he thinks you are. Some of that’s your money why don’t you have a leg to stand on? Why is he telling you to leave?
save your money, take your money back, move out with your kids, claim child support. This relationship is over.

Imo the way you’ve organised finances is symptomatic of the situation. I don’t think you’re a team iyswim.

It might be that living at his parents made things worse as you haven’t had the chance to become a fully independent team of your own.

But the fact he is using getting separated as a threat would be a big NO for me. Esp when you are on ML and therefore more vulnerable.

Re your financial contributions.
Youve proposed many times and the answer was NO.
You are saving money for your shared goal (I hope this is an account in your name. Not his!)
Im not sure what else you can do whilst not being paid because you are looking after HIS baby.

Honestly as sad as it is for a pregnancy to end in miscarriage, I think you are both cheeky to get pregnant a second time whilst living with his parents and being subsidised by them

A bad idea to have another DC whilst you are living with his parents. Odd decision that. However, it doesn't sound like you are being financially abused - joint account, he's paying all the rent. If he resents paying, he should of used protection so you weren't on mat leave again.
Don't be a martyr, the money you have saved for a deposit is yours. If you split, you will need that money more than ever as will need a place to stay and be your DC's main carer till 18 no doubt.
Just because you can take a year off for mat leave, doesn't mean you should under the circumstances. I'd advise going back to work a bit sooner and saving all you can, more in case you need your own place. It must be horrible being told to leave when you can't. If you can get into a position where you can leave - maybe renting? - then you have more power and more say.
Given how rocky things have been, I'd advise if you want to try living together rent for a year first as it's much harder to have to sell up the home if it doesn't work out.

I have said that if we break up I will not take the house deposit money but I will prioritise my savings as he has already told me to leave before and I don’t have a leg to stand on really

Missed that.

NO NO NO
You are not married. Your money isn’t his. (And if you were married, half of yours would be his but half of his would be yours too!!)

Where is that money kept? Is it a joint saving account or one in your name?
Please put that money in your name. Label it ‘house deposit’ if you want but there is no way this money should go to him.
Why in earth would it be?? It was for a house you’d own TOGETHER. Not a gift to him….

Do you have children or a child?
What are the boundaries you mention?

You’re analysing the irrelevant instead of looking at the reality. You need to prepare to leave. It’s hard. I’ve been there. I left with a six month old. As hard as it was, it was easier than the psychological warfare of a bitter partner. I’d try and maintain a civil relationship with everyone once the dust settles. You’ll need them.

22 years later, I still invite my former MIL to dinner and she’s been a huge support in our lives after initial bumps and fallouts. I thrived (and also cried a lot too) as a single mum. But crucially, I had agency over myself. The good, bad, and ugly became mine to own and improve on. I no longer had some whiny bloke in the background wanting resentful sex and wielding financial control over me, especially at my most vulnerable time: Pregnancy. You’re good enough and strong enough. Be your own financial security. Stay in work! My biggest mistake was to let go of my career when I remarried and had more kids. I had a false sense of security and trusted the financial viability of another very controlling and abusive husband (my second one, not first, who became, over the years, my friend. He evolved. We both did, for our son’s sake). My second ex husband is in prison. So… many problems solved there!

Know when something has reached its limit and is stunting your growth and joy. If it can’t be repaired, know that even on your own, you can be repaired. And you can prosper.
You are not a cock lodger. You are a mother with child, vulnerable and dependent. And the people you live with should be elevating you, protecting you, and honouring the importance and vitality of this blessed child coming into their lives. But society is selfish and dehumanised and frankly, we’ve lost the ability to truly love one another. Men in this country are the worst, from my own experience… totally self centred.
Look after yourself, OP. Live in truth and trust your heart’s strength and ability to love and raise a child to adulthood. You’re money savvy. Take all of your savings and don’t leave a penny for your ex. Don’t take food from your babe’s mouth to feed a grown, over fed, stable man who doesn’t need it! He’s got mum and dad wiping his backside.

@SgtJuneAckland agree tbh. An accidental pregnancy that you decide to keep is one thing but actively deciding to have a baby when living in someone else’s home is another.

FGS prepare to leave, and when you do, keep your savings and take your share of the deposit savings.

Being a single parent is hard and expensive. You cannot raise children on goodwill.

@Notchangingnameagain
we have one child.
i asked them if they could keep the children with them in the living room as opposed to taking them in their bedroom to spend time with them.