Am I a female cocklodger? How not to be

[celico23]

I am a 27yo who moved in with my dp and his parents two years ago after finding out I was pregnant. From here it was intended that we start saving for a house deposit.

background:

I work full time out of the house from 6:00-19:00 mon-fri but currently on maternity leave for a year.

• i don’t pay rent but did discuss this with dp before moving in was told no, just to pay for toiletries
• dp pays £500 rent to his parents a month
• i put £500-1000 towards our house deposit each month - same as dp (excluding this time I am on maternity leave but will make up for this once I am back at work).
• I also saved to cover myself during maternity leave (although my dp did open a joint account I can access during maternity leave).

I pay for all toiletries my bills and any food shopping and offer to buy for his parents each time.

I have always felt guilty for living here as I don’t like to feel indebted and would expect to pay my way. although his parents are kind i feel my partner is starting to resent me. Now we have children, there have been times Ive had to express boundaries with his parents and it makes the environment awkward. I don’t like to feel as though I have to be passive in exchange for living here, particularly as a new mum. He has told me to leave at times during arguments so I am starting to feel vulnerable and that I should focus on ensuring I am okay financially if we were to break up. Can you advise how I could feel like I contribute more here considering his parents and him would refuse money from me or if I should focus on my own savings. I have said that if we break up I will not take the house deposit money but I will prioritise my savings as he has already told me to leave before and I don’t have a leg to stand on really. I need an outside perspective or if I am unreasonable?
thank you

You don’t sound like a cocklodger at all.

You do sound as if you are in a precarious situation as an unmarried mum without her own housing and with a nasty and unpredictable partner who thinks threatening to make you homeless is a reasonable thing to do.

I think you need to start planning for the future pronto. Do you want to split up? Look after your savings and get your share of the deposit back. You owe it to your child as well as yourself.

Carry on saving - as much as you can. You're going to need it.

Although it is difficult living with a partner in their parents' house (we had dc and their dp living here for three years), your dp has already told you leave, and there seems little prospect of the two of you moving out into your own place any time soon.

How soon is it before you go back to work, and what childcare arrangements will you have in place?

Is English maybe not your first language, children is the plural of child. Is there more children?

@Freakinfraser
thank you yes. We have one child only

Ok I think folks are confused by the use of the world,children, as said, that’s the plural of child and means 2 or more . If it’s one child you use the singular, so you’d say asked “to keep the child with them in the living room “

I’d hate it if my son and his gf moved in to save then had a couple of babies and 2 years later are still there. I’d think they were taking the piss-both of them.

Why is he resentful of you? Because you're on maternity leave looking after baby or because you won't just let his parents do whatever they like with the baby?

He doesn't sound great OP. I'd focus on saving for yourself as it don't think giving his parents money is going to change anything.

@celico23 is the money you saved to buy the house in an account in your name?

Btw your OP was about how you could FEEL you’re contributing more.

My first reaction was to wonder why you feel you’re not contributing enough. Is it something you’ve been told, explicitly?
Is it something you feel? Like staying at your PIL for two years feels too long to use their generosity.
Is it how you feel because if your DP’s partner during your ‘arguments’ that make you feel you aren’t doing enough, aren’t enough etc…

I think that depending on what’s going on the answer will be different iyswim

Keep your deposit money OP. Move it to an account in your name only.

He's ALREADY told you to leave.

This relationship is not set to last.

You're going to need every penny.

Frankly I'd be gone already.

Where is the deposit money???

I would set up two high % paying ISAs one in each of your names and divide the money between the two.

He’ll go for it because it avoids paying tax on the interest and is the more sensible option.

If you have more than 40k saved then accomplish this gradually.

But you need have that money in your name under your control.

Well if he is telling you to leave what are his plans, A, B and C to make that doable and what are your plans too? Do his parents know he is telling you this? What support is he offering you financially for you to leave or is he not able to think in a joined up way? You need all your savings and more for yourself. Suggest he leave instead perhaps?

For your sake and your child’s you must take your share of the deposit money.

I remember your last thread OP. I told you to leave him then, and I'll tell you the same now.

This man is not on your side, you are not on a team. Squirrel away as much money for yourself now as you can, with a view to getting yourself set up on your own.

@JustHereForTheLaughs

the house deposit is in a joint account
its mainly how I feel and I think when finding my feet as a new mum/the tension around setting boundaries and dp feeling defensive as it is towards his parents in their house has made me feel out of place.
I think because he tells me to leave during arguments, I feel easily disposable. The money that I am saving doesn’t have any impact on our current situation in the sense that it is being put away so feel I’m not contributing at this house

It doesn't matter that you're not contributing to housing coats - you're looking after your baby while you're on mat leave, you're doing your bit for your family. Definitely don't give up your share of athe deposit to pay some sort of back rent if you break up and move put, as pps have said you'll need that to set up home with your baby.

He sounds a dick to threathen to throw you out if you have a fight - not a kind and caring partner. Can you move your savings to date into your own account? Tell him it's because he threatens to throw you out and you need to protect yourself financially - show him you have agency, and tell him if you don't agree together to a timetable to moving out that you will be, with the baby, to your own place.

You're a mother and your working. Even if on mat leave atm. That's a lot, you're certainly not a 'cocklodger'. But you absolutely must prioritise moving out. It does absolutely no one any good, living together with parents like this.

You're a female cocklodger... a frocklodger?

If you separate you take half of the deposit money. He keeps half. He's been paying £500 pcm that's a contribution to his parents for you both. Try to get some savings in your name only as well. At least enough for a bond on a rental house and first months rent. You need that for your own security and that of your DC. This relationship does not sound very stable if every time you argue he tells you to leave. I'd be telling him if he says it once more you will be leaving and taking your DC with you. He is emotionally abusing you with this constant threat.

RTT there is only 1 baby. OP had A late miscarriage of her first pregnancy.

When you have a baby, your partner is supposed to compensate you for roughly half of your financial losses. If anything, he is taking advantage of you.

if this relationship ends, you absolutely need to take your half of the assets. That includes the house deposit.

I think because he tells me to leave during arguments, I feel easily disposable. The money that I am saving doesn’t have any impact on our current situation in the sense that it is being put away so feel I’m not contributing at this house

But you are contributing. You said it yourself here
I pay for all toiletries my bills and any food shopping and offer to buy for his parents each time.

And it’s pretty normal for a new mother to not contribute when she is on ML (well unless you have an amazing employers that still pays well during it).
In the same way, it’s pretty normal to pay according to your wage so 50/50 if your wages are the same but otherwise in proportion.

And who is paying for the baby? I’m going to guess you?

That’s what I meant when I’m saying that the way you are handling finances makes me feel you’re not a team.
Money should go in proportion to your wages into a joint account and bills been paid from there. That way you, TOGETHER, are paying rent to his parents. You, together, are paying for food or for the baby. It also allows for much more clarity as to how much everyone is contributing, costs etc..
(been there abd one that btw. That was our organisation with dh for years….).

Instead just now, it feels like he us doing it all because he is paying rent with no idea (on both sides btw) on how much you are spending on food or for the baby.

This is what I’d do. If it’s bearable, stick it out for now, go back to work in July and get settled back in your job/get the baby settled in nursery.

Then think about what you want to do long term. You MUST take your share of the house deposit savings if you decide to leave, so you can set yourself up somewhere else-put your child’s needs first. It might be a good idea to move your portion into a separate account now ( just in your name) , so there’s no argument about who’s contributed what.

He's got too much power. I would move out, put the house in your name and offer for him to join you. Take back the power