Is there more of a stigma with age gaps now?

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Compared to years ago anyway?

me and dp have an age gap of 12/13 years. I was pretty much 21 when we met and he had just turned 33. He never set out to meet a younger woman, we met online and he had only set his interest at 25+. I found him 😂

for context I already had my first child and had my own flat when we met. I also had a turbulent childhood and was always old beyond my years if that makes sense. He had just got out of a long term relationship of several years.

we both wanted the same things. Both wanted to settled. We have dd together.

we’ve been together for 12 years, 12 years ago I felt like no one bat an eyelid. Admittedly our age gap isn’t noticeable as we don’t look different in age. Him looking younger and me older 😂 he has siblings my age which might of helped! We are so compatible and very similar personality wise. I wear the trousers here despite him being older.

but in recent years I’ve seen more and more opinions and stigma on age gaps, suggestions that an age gap similar to mine would have meant I was groomed which was obviously not the case. I appreciate that this could be the case for some and yes some age gaps can be icky but I think if both parties are happy and want the same things, no abuse, what’s the problem?

not sure what the point of this post is but I just wanted to share my experience and get annoyed when people assume I am some kind of victim for being in age gap relationship at 20/21.

Yes people seem to have a lot of opinions on this nowadays, but then with the Internet people can share their opinions on everything. I find a lot people go down the ooh must have been groomed, ceepy old man, you'll be his nurse soon line and project a lot of their own issues on it.

Point is who cares, as long as you're both happy and consenting then it doesn't matter.

I've never been out with a man younger than me, last partner was 16 years older and it never bothered us. My nan and grandad had an even bigger age gap and other than him dying a lot sooner then her they were very happy

If you’re happy and it works for you, it doesn’t matter, does it?

There is often a pattern of older men being with much younger partners, and acting in ways that are controlling, or even abusive. I do think we’re more aware of these sorts of things as time passes.

I personally find big age gaps very unappealing, and wouldn’t want to be with a man significantly older than me, but that’s just me.

Yes absolutely. In my family there are a number of relationship with age gap of over 10 years and in most of those it is the women who is older. All of these couples got together many years ago and it's only now people are making comments.

Jonathan Ross started a relationship with his wife when she was 16 and he was 26 nobody said anything about that.

My ex husband was 10 years older than me. At the time it seemed fine to me, I was 19 when I met him and had my own place and a child already(as did he). Looking back now, I blatantly had daddy issues and was just looking for a father figure. Now that my children are that age, the thought horrifies me!

I think we are more aware of predatory behaviour anthem unequal relationships which can come from age gaps. So therefor they are seen as more problematic. I think we are more aware of what older men (& it is oftenthat way) can gain from these relationships too.

Obviously this isn't always the case in each relationship.

I think to truly live your life, don't listen to opinions of others.

Opinions are not facts. What works for one won't work for another. It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else if you wish to have one.

People are more than an age.

If I gave a shit about what everyone thought about me, I wouldn't be 18 years this year with the love of my life.

My husband and I have 19 years between us and as I am 30 and he is 49 we are starting to look closer together in age. Hes young looking and I'm older looking.

However when we met, I was 25 and he was 44 and people would openly say how much younger I look, so I assume I look older now as we don't get that much anymore haha!

I think it depends a lot on personality and life experience.

A 16 year old, naive school girl dating a 30 year old seems very different from a 26 year old career woman dating a 40 year old. As a 26 year old, I dated a 42 year old. We broke up because we wanted different things. I never would have described him as predatory. He was really nice looking and quite young for his age.

I thought that people were becoming more accepting of 'unconventional' relationships these days?

When I was 19 , my then boyfriend was 31. Nobody made any comment, except when we were at his work Christmas party and a colleague as him how old he was .

Thought with enlightened thinking being a huge issue now it would be less of a negative opinion?

I think they're becoming more unacceptable yes.

My kids are teenagers and it seems that a lot of teenagers are against large age gaps among teens too.

I'm against them as a general rule and think that they're creepy if the younger person is say under 25. People can come at me all they want but my opinion won't change 😂I'm mid 30s and have lots of younger 'men' who come on to me and I see them as boys and would never go near one in a million years.

After that age I don't really have much of an opinion on them.

Well, ‘enlightened thinking’ means we know now that large age-gap relationships are often unequal and not in the best interests of the younger (inevitably female) partner.

I think we’re all more aware of power imbalances in relationships and how they can become abusive

Power imbalances can present in many ways, but the most common one is older men (usually) with younger women (and other way round, but less common) and I think that’s why we are more sensitive to age gaps now

ir doesn’t mean every relationship with an age gap is dysfunctional! It just means we’re more attuned to notice the red flags, and I’m super thankful that we gave earlier intervention!

I have a gap of 15 years between me and DH and we met when I was 22. Altho didn't start dating until a few years later.

Ive not really encountered any stigma in real life actually. My friends all loved him and accepted him. My family liked him and actually even before we started dating (we were just friends for a few years) My dad actually made a comment about how we would be perfect for each other..

But online you'd think he was a paedophile lmao. Often random dudes send me messages.. which they do in general if you pass any comment under a newspaper article or whatever.. women having opinions just gets loads of abuse in your message box as I'm sure many women here know. Amongst the sexual slurs there will always be some about the age gap as they'll have looked at my profile picture if we are together in it.

And funnily on the rare occasions anyones said anything in real life it has also been young men. 'What are you doing with him?' Etc

I don't think any of it is out of concern for me I think it's that some men seem to feel there's some kind of chart or formula and they feel entitled, get outraged if a girl they find attractive is dating someone they think isn't right on the chart.

I think the thing is that an age gap CAN be a red flag so it is something to consider. But if both partners are over the age of consent then its not necessarily a bad thing.. it's just something to be wary of in terns of power.

For instance if one of my daughters ever brought a man home who was was plus years older than her I would be slightly worried but I wouldn't just write it off as wrong if they were both adults. There's just slightly more potential for exploitative behaviour there so that's something to be alert for.. however it doesn't mean it isn't going to be a healthy supportive relationship. It's just something to consider.
Some people are very black and white about it and have these rules about whst age gap is appropriate but I just think every situation is different and you play it by ear.
The most abusive relationship I was ever in was with a man only 3 years older than me. You know you can't tell the health of a relationship just from what age gap there is.
My relationship with DH works so well because we are very similar people and at the time we met despite our age gap were going thru very similar stages in our lives. When we married, had children, bought a house.. these were all firsts for us together.. he hadn't done those things before with anyone else etc.. we were at the same stage of life. We work in the same field, we love the same music, to do the same things, we wanted the same things out of life, had similar political views... this is obviously far more important than an arbitrary number of years between you

OP you claim that your age gap isn't visible. So who are all these people commenting on your relationship?
People on the internet say things all the time, why would you pay any attention to them?

suggestions that an age gap similar to mine would have meant I was groomed which was obviously not the case

On mumsnet - I also dislike a lot of the culture on here, and it's not indicative of the wider community. People like to look down on others here, and it's just a way to single out a new target

Don't mind it, just enjoy your relationship

All brilliantly said.

Definitely looked down on.
Maybe if it was equally both sexes then it wouldn't be as much.
As it stands it just feels like older men feel older women aren't good enough and trade in older wives, the same age as them! And it leaves a bad taste to people.

And it leaves women in their 40s/50s etc struggling to find someone as many men their age are wanting younger. So they are left with the 60/70 year olds and they don't want that! It's far more normal surely to want someone your own age.

Thankfully in my daily life and I am all round towns and a major city, most people are with their own age.

The real judgement should be about age gaps between teens and adults and that is obviously unacceptable due to powers imbalance. This is a welcome change compared to when I was young.

Look back to me dating a 26 year old when I was 16, he was also a lecturer at the local further education college and I was in sixth form. This is in around 1981. That is a very obvious issue but it was so much more acceptable back then. We broke up after six weeks because he wanted to have sex and I didn’t. We did meet in a pub when a band was playing. I also dated a guy who was around 22 when I was 16, we met in a nightclub. I look back and realise how awful it was. I did look 16 as well.

People meeting 21 plus and having an age gap is totally fine and a completely different kettle of fish . I will say that once people start hitting retirement it can cause a bit of resentfulness plus the difference in energy levels. I do have three friends who have age gap relationships. These are the outcomes so far as we hit mid to late fifties.

My friend died leaving two still young children at 10 and 13 as she had them post 40 and her DH is 14 years younger, she did die aged only 53. Next is a man who is 15 years older than his wife and my age, he has retired early as he can and does do after school pick ups but his wife is way off retirement and feeling resentful. My other friend and no children involved will be waiting for 13 years for her partner to join her in retirement.

DH is 13 years older than me. When we got married, several friends made snarky comments about how I'd end up being his nursemaid etc. Ironically, after 20 years together, I have a disability and he is the "nursemaid" , doing a lot of the housework and enabling me to stay as mobile as possible . Helps me in the shower, and has on occasion wiped my bottom. To anyone who makes a comment about age gaps being problematic , my comment is a very loud "bullshit !".

Yes! My DH is 15 years older than me - I was 22 when we met and have been together for over 20 years now. There’s definitely more judgement about it now, but not from our generation or older folks - I find it’s the younger generations that are judgemental about it.

I feel it’s because young women are a lot less emotionally mature at 21/22 than women were in the past. The ones coming into the workplace on grad programmes seem more like teenagers than adults now, and need a lot more guidance. I don’t think they fully understand an adult relationship yet, or when it is/isn’t appropriate to comment on someone else’s relationship. I certainly don’t appreciate being told my long and happy marriage is ‘disgusting’ due to our age difference (happened at work a couple of years ago!)

Was enlightened thinking not the 1800's? 😂

I think people apply more critical thinking now and as others have said people are more aware of power imbalances and grooming, even if it's not grooming in the legal sense of the word. 'Me too' has also played a part

I read recently that if the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal happened now that it would be treated so differently, she was only 21/22 and he was almost 50!!