Is there more of a stigma with age gaps now?

[Usernumber46463746284737383]

Compared to years ago anyway?

me and dp have an age gap of 12/13 years. I was pretty much 21 when we met and he had just turned 33. He never set out to meet a younger woman, we met online and he had only set his interest at 25+. I found him 😂

for context I already had my first child and had my own flat when we met. I also had a turbulent childhood and was always old beyond my years if that makes sense. He had just got out of a long term relationship of several years.

we both wanted the same things. Both wanted to settled. We have dd together.

we’ve been together for 12 years, 12 years ago I felt like no one bat an eyelid. Admittedly our age gap isn’t noticeable as we don’t look different in age. Him looking younger and me older 😂 he has siblings my age which might of helped! We are so compatible and very similar personality wise. I wear the trousers here despite him being older.

but in recent years I’ve seen more and more opinions and stigma on age gaps, suggestions that an age gap similar to mine would have meant I was groomed which was obviously not the case. I appreciate that this could be the case for some and yes some age gaps can be icky but I think if both parties are happy and want the same things, no abuse, what’s the problem?

not sure what the point of this post is but I just wanted to share my experience and get annoyed when people assume I am some kind of victim for being in age gap relationship at 20/21.

I think some older men get a huge ego boost when they think a younger woman wants them which leads them to want to act on it.

I don't think they realise for every young woman who wants them there are multiple young men who tend to want their wife, women just don't tend to be as flattered by it, certainly not to the point of trying to trade in their partner.

Some men think then that they're more attractive to younger women and women their own age so they must be 'studs'...but really a lot of older women could find younger men more physically attractive but we just don't tend to be creeps so we don't go for them, but those men think the fact that women don't then to trade them in for a younger model means that they're incredibly desirable....so why should they limit themselves and stay in a marriage that might be getting a bit stale etc.

I think maybe a lot of women in the past acted/felt like they were a lot more mature than they actually really were. It's incredibly common for women to look back now and say that they thought they were so mature at that age but now they realise they weren't at all.

Of course 21/22 years won't fully understand adult relationships, they are only starting to be an adult.

In a way. When I was 19-20, my first boyfriend was 27. It was a perfectly natural relationship. Now it would be seen as weird.

I mean on MN it would be.

I think people are a lot more aware these days that the power dynamics of a lot of relationships where the man is a lot older are not great. This is also true of relationships where one person is more senior in the same company etc. MeToo made a lot of people think harder about how power affects a relationship.

This is a good thing.

This doesn't mean however that all age gap relationships are bad. Sometimes people just click, have a similar level of maturity, maybe the older partner is very laid back and so it all evens out.

But just because your relationship is good @Usernumber46463746284737383 , it doesn't mean they all are. And people are more aware of this now, so are more likely to give your husband the side eye, to wonder if he got together with you because you were young, naive, pliable.

20 years ago noone would have cared about a male Hollywood star dumping all his girlfriends when they hit 25. Now we look at Leonardo Di Caprio and wonder what's going on there.

This is a good thing.

It's like any of these things on social media really. It starts off with someone with good intentions hoping someone is aware of possible red flags in a situation where a younger person being unaware of the potential for problems in a large age gap. But then people almost seem to suggest you can only be in a relationship with someone born on the exact same birth date as you. I obviously exaggerate for effect.

It's been heightened by Jimmy Savile and me too revelations and, in my opinion, I think it's good that people think about this. But not go too far either way.

In the 1980s, when I was a teenager, I had many crushes on male teachers and on film stars and pop stars. But then again, I had a 19 friend who had a 37 year old boyfriend. I didn't comment on it but I definitely thought that it was dodgy. We weren't all turning a blind eye in the 80s.

All you can do really is hope everyone is aware of the possible dodgy dynamics. But not necessarily make assumptions.

Ahh! Didn't read the post before mine which is quite similar.

Thus sums up what I was thinking.

I think there's a lot more awareness now about unequal relationships and control and power dynamics and how potentially damaging they can be.

Age is only one factor that may contribute but also life experiences, maturity, money, positions of authority etc.

I don't think it's helpful to ignore these thungs but accept that it's not the sane in every situation.

There are also some relationship that while appearing equal on the surface are very toxic.

Yes because we are more aware and wary of exploitation and vulnerability.