Hi, regular here but nc for this. I would like to hear from people who have gone back after a short separation, or been through any separation.
I left my DH just under 2 weeks ago after a big argument where he told me to leave.
Its a long story but we moved to the US 2 years ago for DH job - it was kind of an attempt to repair our marriage after a period of lockdown-induced stress where DH was behaving badly around DS and me, and we had 2 separations including one where he walked out before Christmas. In hindsight i think i wanted him to come back because of my terrible mental health at that time, and I did still think we could return to the first 1-2 years together where we really loved each other and had a good sex life. So we had some counselling, then jumped at the chance to move to the US for a 'fresh start' as we had always talked about it as a fun opportunity. DH and i clash on parenting over everything else- he is strict and i am more measured. He has also always been a terrible sulker- storming off from days out, threatening to leave, saying horrible things, as bad as 'i hate you', which he then retracts. He has had individual therapy and feels a lot of his upbringing is to blame, which I accept. I guess that was why i wanted to reconcile and come to the US a couple years ago, because I did feel what we had was worth it.
When we had been here a few months DH started getting bogged down in work and seemed to refuse to appreciate our life here, which to be fair is a huge lifestyle upgrade from the UK, or enjoy anything. I was the only one making plans for weekends or holidays and looking after the house, he was just gaming in his free time, being snappy again with me and DS, pressuring me to get pregnant as he said otherwise we would be too old and he didnt want to be an 'older dad' like his dad was (we were both 34 at that point.) I was trying to retrain and pushed back. We had some bad arguments and were in a shit place. Him calling me a 'shit wife', etc. On a week away as part of my training I made a connection with someone else and had an affair over the summer. I'm not going to try and explain/excuse it. The OM appreciated me being good at my job and made me feel good, wanted me, etc. I felt horrendous but in the 'expat bubble' it's almost like it wasn't 'real'. I cant explain it. I feel like the cognitive dissonance was a big part of it for me. Never cheated before. I think I did, and even still do, love OM but I could see how I was blowing up my and DS life thousands of miles away from our support network and it was incredibly stressful (as it should have been.) I told DH at the end of the summer what had happened. He was understandably devastated. We had a planned holiday we went on a couple of weeks later, went back to counselling, but we have struggled since because as DH admits, he resents me, is angry with me and it doesnt take much for family days to turn into a sulk or row, although this was the case before too, it has been worse since DH found out about my affair.
I never expected to meet someone who turned my head and often I wish I had never met the OM and had never realised how far gone my and DH relationship was. Its definitely been a death by a thousand cuts thing for a couple of years, but now DH has a good reason to say its all because I had an affair this summer, and I am to blame. We have been trying to make it work, as his family were visiting over Xmas, but I have felt numb for a while. Its not that I have lost all feelings for DH, thats the problem. I still liked curling up in bed against him, cuddling with him watching re-runs, going for walks as a family. I love the life we have built here, and I wanted to make it work for DS who is happy here. I think maybe DH cannot forgive me for the affair as he has been cheated on before. But he has stayed. However, as i said, a couple weeks ago we had another row with DS at home and when he told me to leave I realised that was what we had to do, so I did leave, with only a few things. DS has done an overnight there as he missed DH and our pets, but DS has also said that he likes being in the new place with me.
I saw DH for the first time last night when I went to get some stuff for DS from 'home' and we talked as DS was at a playdate elsewhere. I could see how DH was keeping his distance emotionally. He said he has had times of feeling angry and times of missing me. He said he thinks i'm 'really special' and still loves me, he is still wearing his wedding ring, and that the last couple of weeks have been really weird and quiet. He wants me to come home this weekend with DS and try again. He says he regrets saying nasty things and telling me to leave.
I honestly dont know what to do. I miss our home comforts, and it is scary being in a foreign country separated and i feel very sad in the mornings and evenings because I miss our old life and even DH at times. But i have stuck out being on my own and adjusting for 2 weeks and when I saw DH yesterday I think i realised how maybe the damage is done, even if we 'try harder', maybe we will never go back to when things were good. He says he loves me but I dont feel it. And i feel i love him, but i know it's not the passionate or unconditional love I had for him before resentment set in, which was a few years ago. I dont want to confuse anyone by prolonging the uncertainty, but I feel like I am paralysed in indecision. Should i go back, having had a taste of living alone, not knowing if things will get better? Or should i stay gone and accept the future? If we split up for good, DH wants to go back to the UK, but he says if we stay together we can jointly decide whether to stay here or go. So i am faced with the choice of uprooting DS for the second time in 2 years, or potentially preserving his life as he knows it now, but at the cost of my own choices. And I just dont know, however lovely his room is here or however nice our holidays, whether our home is already 'broken' even with me and DH still together. The OM still contacts me and I think if i wanted to rekindle things with him, he would jump at it - but not even that is making the decision easier. I feel like this is my chance to make a good choice for DS and me, not related to relationships. The flipside is, DH is a high earner and I have taken a step back in my career especially since we moved, and it would be financially difficult at least for a while if we split permanently. I dont have a 'home base' in the UK as my family are scattered all over and I cant afford to move back to London. It feels like a choice between practicality and familiarity, or the unknown and possibly peace/healing.
Ultimately I am just scared of the future, of making the wrong choice. Any advice would be great.