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Original poster

Too much for a second date ?

68 replies

Holibobby · 26/01/2024 22:24

I went on a second date last night with really nice guy. He asked me to stay over I initially said no and he said I just want to spend the night with you I don’t want to sleep with you because I like you. I didn’t believe him but he meant it which was refreshing.

The date went well, lots of conversation and laughing and I do feel attracted to him. However, it felt very ‘relationshipy’ I don’t know whether this is because I’ve been properly single nearly 4 years and just been with shitty men in situationships, and I don’t know what to expect.

But he held my hand constantly which made me feel a little weird, then he had his hand on my leg while time, again it felt a bit much. I do like the guy and I did stay over - we didn’t sleep together but he was attached to me all night, forehead kisses. I guess I felt a little suffocated. He does seem genuinely just really interested in me so I don’t think there’s any love bombing etc. but is this normal for a second date?

OP posts:
Lightermoon · 27/01/2024 06:40

I’m thinking your gut feeling was possibly to not stay over but you did it anyway. He is touchy feely and you aren’t? Or you’re not comfortable with him yet. If you like him go back a few steps and slow it down. I would be wary of it feeling like a relationship when you don’t know each other yet.

Deebee90 · 27/01/2024 07:00

This isn’t the guy for you and your gut instinct is telling you that. Some people are touchy feeling and it’s ok and some aren’t and it’s ok. Sounds like you didn’t like that he is and felt uncomfortable which proves he isn’t the right person. It’s ok if you like him but doesn’t pursue this any longer. If you liked him you wouldn’t have created this thread.

Olika · 27/01/2024 07:00

You need to start doing what you want, not just go along with what a man wants. If someone is too touchy on the date just tell him To give you space. If you don't want to go to spend the night together, tell him so and stick to it.
Secondly it feeling very relationshipy might be because he isn't really taking dates one by one and truly getting to know you and then decide if you two are compatible but he has created a story/dream instead that he wants to follow and that makes him rush thinks as he has pre-decided that he wants to be with you.

towering · 27/01/2024 07:39

As others have said, it's wise to pay attention to your feelings. He hasn't done anything wrong but that doesn't necessarily mean it's right for you.

I wouldn't personally end at this point but give it another couple of dates. But if you still feel that way, your feelings are your answer.

Original poster
Holibobby · 27/01/2024 09:29

Thank you for the messages so far. Yeah I agree 100% that he’s not done anything wrong. Yes we were intimate just not sex and it did get heated but he did stick by his rule. From what he’s saying he’s always been in a relationship but I’ve been single coming up 4 years. I think when someone shows interest I run a mile - so it is my issue not the other person, so I think I will give it a few more dates and then see how it makes me feel.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 27/01/2024 10:00

He sounds creepy and needy to me so be careful not to ignore your instincts OP. If you do date him l'd just say proceed with caution!

SamW98 · 27/01/2024 10:17

OP a I think you need to decide on your boundaries and stick to them.

You said no to staying over but let him talk you round despite you not sure if you believed him.
He made you feel uncomfortable touching your leg but you didn’t tell him to remove his hand.
You said he was attached to you all night and you felt suffocated but you didn’t pull away from him.
You started a thread asking if this was normal presumably because your gut is telling you no but you’re going to continue to date him anyway.

You don’t have to put up with anything you don’t feel comfortable with but you need to be assertive and tell him where your lines are drawn. It’s not just about what he wants, you have standards and need to voice them.

BCBird · 27/01/2024 10:20

If u have not told him.u prefer less displays of affection, how would he know? It would not suit me but I would say something

Original poster
Holibobby · 27/01/2024 11:16

@BCBird yeah true, I need to be more vocal about what I like / don’t like

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/01/2024 11:18

Holibobby · 27/01/2024 11:16

@BCBird yeah true, I need to be more vocal about what I like / don’t like

This is maybe true, but don't you want to be with someone who is naturally matched to you, rather than someone you have to be molding into shape from date 2? Being vocal about what you like is relationship stuff. It shouldn't be called upon within the first few dates, when things are quite generic and you're getting to know the basics about each other. He clearly likes lots of physical affection. You don't.

RosesAndHellebores · 27/01/2024 11:20

DH and I spent the night together after our second date. It just happened naturally and felt 100% right, as it did the night after and the night after that. It was nearly 35 years ago now. It happened and endured because it was right. There was no question about.

You didn't feel right and that's all you need to know. If you have to ask he's a frog rather than your Prince.

ReakkyAgainReally · 27/01/2024 11:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TellingBone · 27/01/2024 11:46

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Do tell us the secret of being '...one of those lovely women ( I have a lovely personality) where men (even strangers) just can't help being nice to me...'

ReakkyAgainReally · 27/01/2024 11:48

You have to ask them. I don't.

Stopsmotheringmeeeeeee · 27/01/2024 11:54

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Um.. that's nice

delphi13 · 27/01/2024 13:46

harerunner · 27/01/2024 06:28

If he was "attached" to you all night, it sounds like you were close enough to him to have felt an erection.

I don't think it's normal for a man to snuggle up close to a woman he's attracted to and not get an erection - irrespective of whether he "uses" it or not - unless he's got some kind of sexual dysfunction.

His "cuddles" seem very non-sexual from how you are describing it, with him snuggling up to you like he might do with a dog or a young child. Did you do anything sexual? By that I don't necessarily mean intimate, but passionate kissing and touching at least? Did you sense he was horny but holding himself back, or just wanted to be comfortable?

Harerunner, why are you so interested in this guys potential erection? It's a bit odd.

harerunner · 27/01/2024 13:58

@delphi13

Harerunner, why are you so interested in this guys potential erection? It's a bit odd.

Because I'd suspect the reason for this guy's non-sexual cuddling could be because he was either actually gay or wasn't interested (low libido) or able (ED) to have sex.

It's kind of vital to establish that from the start if you're looking for a normal relationship!... and a man who never got aroused during a night of cuddling and caressing would raise major alarm bells.

SOxon · 27/01/2024 14:04

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

you are really Holly Willoughby and I claim my £5. !!!

harerunner · 27/01/2024 14:08

Ok, I've just read the OP's update saying they were intimate but stopped short of full sex... That makes it less weird (in fact, it's pretty usual to stop short of full sex when making out in the early days of dating) , and it shows he does find you sexually attractive, rather than someone he can stroke like a pet dog.

However, if you feel weird, trust your instincts... If you're not sure, go on a third date but make sure you only do what you feel comfortable with.

LlynTegid · 27/01/2024 16:51

I don't think it's normal, and anyway you did not like it, which is enough to say no more dates.

Rania78 · 27/01/2024 17:11

Holibobby · 26/01/2024 22:24

I went on a second date last night with really nice guy. He asked me to stay over I initially said no and he said I just want to spend the night with you I don’t want to sleep with you because I like you. I didn’t believe him but he meant it which was refreshing.

The date went well, lots of conversation and laughing and I do feel attracted to him. However, it felt very ‘relationshipy’ I don’t know whether this is because I’ve been properly single nearly 4 years and just been with shitty men in situationships, and I don’t know what to expect.

But he held my hand constantly which made me feel a little weird, then he had his hand on my leg while time, again it felt a bit much. I do like the guy and I did stay over - we didn’t sleep together but he was attached to me all night, forehead kisses. I guess I felt a little suffocated. He does seem genuinely just really interested in me so I don’t think there’s any love bombing etc. but is this normal for a second date?

Hmmm, sounds lovely to me.

maybe you should ask yourself if you really like him? If you do, do you think there may be a chance you have an avoidant attachment style and this behaviour scares you? I find his gestures just wonderful.

Original poster
Holibobby · 27/01/2024 19:52

@Rania78 yeah I do think he seems lovely so far! I do think I have attachment issues so it could be me!

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 27/01/2024 20:04

In fairness op, that would be too much too soon for me as well. It doesn't matter who's 'issue' this is or what your attachment style is etc. The only thing that matters is that firstly, you feel safe and respected, secondly that he's socially attuned enough (or at least receptive to you giving him verbal direction) to recognise if he's coming on too strong and to back off to make sure you're comfortable and thirdly that you actually like him and don't feel under pressure. There's nothing wrong with being less tactile or feeling like you need to know someone really well before you want to be tactile and affectionate or intimate with them. If that's your personality and your boundary, then he needs to respect that and go at your pace. The rest is irrelevant - you as an individual get to determine what you're comfortable with regardless of the reason why. And a respectful and caring partner will be happy to go along with that.

If you feel like you need him to back off a little on the affection and physical touch side, then I would tell him directly. You could initiate a conversation about love languages and how you each are inclined to show love to another person and what types of actions or words make you feel loved. That could be a perfect opening to let him know that you are comfortable with physical touch once you know someone really well and you value your own space but prefer words of affirmation for example. I do think you need to tell him in order for you to relax a bit about this, and also because I think his reaction will be telling. If he takes it badly then I'd see that as a red flag, but if he's accepting of it and changes his approach to make you more comfortable then that's a green light! Ultimately you know him and his vibe better than anyone on here so it's ok for you to trust your gut.

Watchkeys · 27/01/2024 20:53

Holibobby · 27/01/2024 19:52

@Rania78 yeah I do think he seems lovely so far! I do think I have attachment issues so it could be me!

So, if it's you, then, should you just dismiss your feelings?

Zanatdy · 27/01/2024 20:54

Sounds a bit full on but I’d give him another chance.