Is this an emotional affair?

[DeeDeeDaisy]

I commented on a similar thread yesterday but decided to just start my own as I need clarity.

My partner has a female work friend and hasn't know her very long - I'd say 6 months. I've never met her. Within the last two months, they've started talking loads in the evenings (every day I think) either by text (back and forth for hours sometimes) Instagram (sending each other reels) or phone calls while playing a video game together. At first I thought nothing of it - he talks to loads of mates while playing video games while I'm in the room doing my own thing. The phone is always on loudspeaker and I can hear that the conversation is innocent.

But recently he's started to choose playing/talk to her for hours at a time instead of spending the evening with me. He continues talking to her after I've gone to bed. I heard them come off the game at 11pm the other night (on a work night) and continue their phone call for another half an hour. They don't only talk about the game, they talk about anything and everything. I heard her say something like 'I do enjoy your shoulder rubs though' so what? He gives her shoulder rubs? Is this normal?

He went to her house the other day for two hours, alone. He said it was innocent and I believed him but now I'm just questioning things.

Open your eyes
Affair or wanting one
Im sorry 😞

So he spends all evening playing games with them then talks to them after you are in bed? Again, sounds like my ex when he was starting his affair, red flags aplenty. I would not confront just yet though, gather evidence if you can, if you have access to anything they might have had conversations on. I caught mine with a message he forgot to delete on discord, just one message cracked the whole thing wide open.

No it's not an emotional affair. It's a. Affair or one about to happen. Don't stick around. I would absolutely not put up with this.

Have you told him you feel uncomfortable with the level of communication. It has the potential to be leading into if not already.

But talk to him, it may be that it is innocent and they have totally clicked and have become good friends really fast.

Set your boundaries now, explain how you feel, tell him what you're ok with and what you're not ok with. A whole evening spent talking to her and not really interacting with you is a hard no, but an hour or so chatting while gaming, sure. Decide what you're willing to accept and tell him. Even if that is "I don't want you talking to her all evening every evening"

Bet she calls herself his 'work wife'
Totally inappropriate behaviour

To be honest a grown up ‘partner’ who is gaming all night rather than spending time with me is already a flat no without the added disrespect of talking to another woman whilst doing it!

He’s cheating in plain sight. And I’m sorry but do you truly believe he went to her house and nothing happened?

100% not ok behaviour. What's he said if you confront him on it?

Sorry op. I have had this but it wasn't a work colleague. my partner would spend all night talking through headphones to a woman in Holland. while they was playing games on ps4 after a couple of weeks I told him enough is enough. I told him his ps4 and him was going out the door unless it stopped. You need to do the same. The difference is my partner would not have had the chance to cheat unless he went to Holland. but she was getting a bit flirty in conversation. and he was enjoying it. So I put a stop to hit your partner has ever opportunity to cheat on you if he hasn't already

To be honest the gaming thing doesn't bother me because it's not 'all' evening. It's an hour, maybe two, while I'm reading a book or something. What's starting to bother me is the talking when not gaming. They work together, they talk while gaming, why do they need to text and talk on the phone as well? 😞

I've seen many of the WhatsApp messages and they do seem fairly innocent on the surface. There's been the odd text that could probably be misconstrued out of context but nothing that seems obviously flirty or wrong. But the volume of texts is what worries me. He doesn't message any of his other friends that much and neither do I!

Well he's never given me a reason not to trust him. I told him going to her house bothered me and he said he wouldn't go again but who knows 😞

Shoulder massages?
Really?

Do you give shoulder rubs to your work colleagues? 🤦‍♀️

It doesn't really matter if its an emotional affair or not - its making you uncomfortable and causing him to neglect your relationship.

I'm having a pretty similar situation, only in my case its an intense friendship with a man. I'm pretty certain there's nothing sexual about it - at least on my partners side, but I'm upset that he'll go him to talk about his day and stay up all hours playing games and chatting whilst I spend my evenings on my own. Its a bit miserable.

I think you have to try to pull him away and talk about how its making you feel.

He's giving you a reason not to trust him right now.

I'd be furious and kicking him out at this point.

Thank you! Not normal is it? I did question him about this and he tried to deny it...I know what I heard though. Think that denying it is what's making me question things the most because what else is he denying and hiding?

Come on OP!!!!

there is no reason for him to do ANY of the things he’s doing. Yeah sure have a female work colleague who he also games occasionally and sends the odd funny meme to - that’s normal and nothing unreasonable.

What he is doing is completely unreasonable and disrespectful towards you. And i guarantee if you try to tell him you’re not comfortable with it he will gaslight you and act like you’re a controlling nag.

Ultimatium time - he draws an appropriate line and stops going over it or it’s the end of the relationship (if this was me I wouldn’t even do an ultimatum, I couldn’t be with someone that stupid and disrespectful but I have zero tolerance)

He's plainly having an affair
Ask directly to check his phone
If he won't, there's your answer
Hope you are bearing up

It might well be innocent now but it's headed straight to an affair.

Before the night my husband's emotional affair went physical, there was nothing in their messaging that would have indicated this was where it was headed, apart from the sheer volume. They were messaging back and forth constantly for about 3 months before that night. He was also pretty secretive about it - I had no idea about the amount of contact.

I'm not sure confronting my husband's behaviour would have stopped the physical affair from happening. It probably would have just gone underground. But I do wish I hadn't been so bloody naive and ignored my gut feeling about it at the time.

Speak up and tell him you're not comfortable with it and you want it to stop. His reaction and behaviour will tell you all you need to know.

Or maybe he calls her that?

I'm very relaxed about male/female friendships. Both DH and I have always had plenty of friends of the opposite sex. However, this sounds like something more is happening or about to happen

Unless you have things tying you two together then just get rid! & even if there is things tying you to him I’d still get rid if he was my boyfriend, because he is so blatantly disrespecting you any way, even if he isn’t cheating physically.

You deserve so much better :( x

Totally agree with this. It’s almost irrelevant whether it’s an affair, he’s totally crossing the line and disrespecting normal boundaries in a relationship.

Do you have children? If not then simply split up.. He's gone too far