Is this an emotional affair?

[DeeDeeDaisy]

I commented on a similar thread yesterday but decided to just start my own as I need clarity.

My partner has a female work friend and hasn't know her very long - I'd say 6 months. I've never met her. Within the last two months, they've started talking loads in the evenings (every day I think) either by text (back and forth for hours sometimes) Instagram (sending each other reels) or phone calls while playing a video game together. At first I thought nothing of it - he talks to loads of mates while playing video games while I'm in the room doing my own thing. The phone is always on loudspeaker and I can hear that the conversation is innocent.

But recently he's started to choose playing/talk to her for hours at a time instead of spending the evening with me. He continues talking to her after I've gone to bed. I heard them come off the game at 11pm the other night (on a work night) and continue their phone call for another half an hour. They don't only talk about the game, they talk about anything and everything. I heard her say something like 'I do enjoy your shoulder rubs though' so what? He gives her shoulder rubs? Is this normal?

He went to her house the other day for two hours, alone. He said it was innocent and I believed him but now I'm just questioning things.

Should you really need to tell him that? Surely he would know not to go to another woman’s house especially one he’s overly engaged with?

Not normal at all

(And I say that as a married woman who has male friends)

His whole behaviour with her is a reason not to trust him.

One child yes

Either way he has no respect for you.

Never given you a reason not to trust him! Shoulder rubs, endless phone chats, home visits! Blimey OP, your bar is set very low. He's having an affair and he's making a fool out of you. Please get rid.

Open your eyes op. He's either having an affair or about to. Shoulder massage? Seriously?

Yes. I meant up until now 😞

I would ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. If it was you getting shoulder massages, spending your work day with the person, gaming and chatting afterwards, what assumptions would he jump to? Where is your quality time with him as it seems he more concerned with seeing and talking to her. Perhaps you should take an interest in one of his games one night?

*Mentionitis (per your comments on another thread)
*Constant contact
*Escalating investment of energy/time/attention into OW and away from you
*Development of emotional intimacy and reliance

@DeeDeeDaisy, this is already an emotional affair involving physical touch. It sounds like your Partner and OW can’t get enough of each other and their mutual validation. He has weakened his boundaries for her and they are building intimacy, to the utter detriment of your partnership and family.

His denying the shoulder rubs speaks volumes. He knows that he is crossing lines, but will lie and gaslight to protect OW and their new exciting adventure. You really cannot believe anything he says, including what occurred in her home.

Be sure to read the link that @bleughgreen has posted, in which Dr. Shirley Glass explains what is happening in your relationship and why it is under threat.

P’s escalating infidelity warrants sharp, effective consequences. Consider sending him away so that he understands how losing you feels. My requirements before even considering going forward with him would be: cutting this dead pronto, and that includes the immediate cessation of messaging, calling, and gaming with OW. It means professional distancing at work and looking for another job, as well as providing full transparency with devices.

Keep posting for support, @DeeDeeDaisy.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yes this is an emotional affair and it is well on the path to being a physical one, if it hasn't git there aleady.