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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD just ..left, DH not coping.

36 replies

Citygirlypop · 25/01/2024 06:53

Hi our lovely DD met someone who has convinced her to move in and then cut all contact with her old friends and us.
we are obviously concerned and heart broken. But DH is really worrying me- he’s seeing a counselor, but is flailing around searching to somehow rebuild the relationship. He is very depressed, comes in from work and goes straight to bed, not sleeping, not coping with work. I find myself avoiding him. Help! With both of them!

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 25/01/2024 06:54

How old is Dd and when did she leave?

user1492757084 · 25/01/2024 07:01

You also go to counsellor and see how to support each other through this. Stay there for the long haul with daughter.
There are some very strange but charismatic people who can turn the heads of young women for their own gain.
When your daughter contacts you be ready to help.
Keep texting a simple invitation to Sunday lunch.
Remember to send birthday card.

How old is your daughter. Does she still attend school or work? Could she have been taken against her will?

ZekeZeke · 25/01/2024 07:05

How old is your DD?

Trulyme · 25/01/2024 07:32

I understand why your DH is feeling this way.

Your DD is obviously in a controlling relationship and it must be one of the worst things to go through as a parent.

I would advise him to go to the gp but to also remind him how you both need to be strong and ready for her to come back home or get in contact.

You need to both keep trying to contact her, not a lot, just a text every couple of days asking if she’s ok and if her/they both want to come over for dinner or go for a walk etc.

If you do get in contact with her then it’s very important that you don’t slag off the new bf.

You need her to think you are supportive of the relationship and then as your relationship gets stronger again you can then start suggesting things aren’t right etc. but even then, it’s really up to her to see that and anything you say is going to push her away.
So tread very carefully.

I would just pretend to be very supportive of him and try and get them both on side.

Original poster
Citygirlypop · 25/01/2024 07:33

Thanks. user yes, I think I’ll need to go to a counselor, this is beyond me!
They are both 18 but DD left at 17. The partner seemed very nice but encouraged DD, or DD felt, she had to sneak about and lie to us.
I so wanted to send a Xmas card but worried that it would be pored over and analyzed and used as proof of how dreadful we are.
every day I think about her, and everything I think of can or has been turned and used against us.

OP posts:
littlebirdieblu · 25/01/2024 07:36

Citygirlypop · 25/01/2024 07:33

Thanks. user yes, I think I’ll need to go to a counselor, this is beyond me!
They are both 18 but DD left at 17. The partner seemed very nice but encouraged DD, or DD felt, she had to sneak about and lie to us.
I so wanted to send a Xmas card but worried that it would be pored over and analyzed and used as proof of how dreadful we are.
every day I think about her, and everything I think of can or has been turned and used against us.

Not sending a Xmas card will make you look worse than sending one. You need to support your daughter's decision or you will lose her completely.

MumblesParty · 25/01/2024 08:02

Is she still at school OP?

Trulyme · 25/01/2024 08:03

You should have sent a Christmas card addressed to both of them.

In the future make sure you text them both happy birthday or check they’re ok if the weather is bad etc.

I understand not wanting to push too much but a text once a week will make her realise that you both still care and you’re not trying to end her relationship, you just want to see how she is.

MumblesParty · 25/01/2024 08:09

This happened to a friend of mine. Her DD moved in with boyfriend and boyfriend’s mum. They had an awful time, just horrific, but eventually her DD woke up and and realised what a controlling person her boyfriend was. Within 6 months she was back home, and the relationship was over.

pilates · 25/01/2024 08:14

Keep channels of communication open. Texting/phoning and definitely birthday/Christmas cards. Hopefully, she will come to her senses and come back to you. So sorry, it must be heartbreaking. 💐

JaneAustensHeroine · 25/01/2024 08:18

Another one saying to message, send cards etc. If you stop contact it’s going to be more difficult for your daughter to get in touch if she wants to or need to. Keep the channels of communication open. She may not reply right now but at some point in the future she might.

LakeTiticaca · 25/01/2024 08:23

What are the financial and living circumstances? Are they working? Has your DD moved in with the partners family?

sixtiesbaby88 · 25/01/2024 08:24

We have recently been through this. Maintain contact even if she doesn't reply but keep the subject light. Sign off by saying you love them. And then wait. The decision to get in touch with you has to be your DDs. It took a couple of years for us and was heart breaking, but eventually our DC realised they were being manipulated and coerced. Good luck and I hope it works out for you

ACourseInstead · 25/01/2024 08:25

Don’t stop contacting her. You need to keep the channels of communication open. Keep it light and friendly. It may be used against you but so will silence be- better to keep trying so your DD knows you’re there when she’s ready to come back.

Watchthedoormat · 25/01/2024 08:27

Agree with sending a weekly text. Keep things 'light'- a simple 'Hope you're both enjoying this beautiful sunshine, we're relaxing in the garden ' or something like this.
Definitely send Birthday cards- just not those with the gushing heartfelt verses (although these are the type that would probably be attractive to you at the moment).
If you're off on a holiday or are going to be away at any time I'd send a 'light' text regarding this such as 'Off to Bognor for 5 days. Hope the hotel is nice!".

Brightandbubly · 25/01/2024 08:32

i would be devastated keeping up any form of contact. Inviting them to meet out somewhere, even for a walk. Shopping. etc

Parentofeanda · 25/01/2024 09:01

If you don't keep trying with contact then she will think she has no one if she wakes up and realises. She won't have anywhere to go so keep that line open, send cards. Don't write a message just a simple "Missing you dearly, love mum and dad"

She may realise in time.

Mabelface · 25/01/2024 09:08

Went through similar when my daughter was the same age. I texted her weekly to say that I love and miss her and hope she's okay. That when she's ready, I'm here for her. She came back to me after a year or so. She's 24 now and we have a lovely relationship.

ManaFromHeaven · 25/01/2024 10:06

Massive drip-feed you haven't shared, if you are who I think you are.

Someone has posted this exact story across FWR and LGBT Children over the past year - DD has met someone and been isolated by them, has moved out and cut contact.

What you aren't saying is that your DD told you they're trans, your DH reacted terribly and your child has cut contact and moved in with their partner so they can be themselves.

As everyone always tell you - you have a (borderline abusive) DH problem, nothing else, and your child has said as much.

Original poster
Citygirlypop · 25/01/2024 21:27

Thanks everyone for your help, and supportive words. Really appreciated.

OP posts:
livelovelough24 · 25/01/2024 22:47

I am sorry, but I have nothing new to add, just to echo what everyone else is saying. No matter how hard it is, and I know from my own experience that it can be dreadful, the only thing we as parents can do, at any age really, but especially at this critical age when they are between kids and adults, is keep contact and let them know you love them and you are there for them. Always, keep the door open. Be patient and eventually she will come back.

Original poster
Citygirlypop · 27/01/2024 13:14

Thanks. It is hard as you and many others know. I’ll send her a card She’s changed phone numbers. I know we had ups and downs as a family I never thought we were so awful. I thought we talked. I hope you’re all right and she’ll get in contact one day . It’s too devastating to think otherwise . Cheers all

OP posts:
Original poster
Citygirlypop · 24/04/2024 08:48

Hello I know this is an old thread but popping back for a hand hold.
DD has changed her number. She thinks we are against her and her partner. We’re not, well, we weren’t. The partner is drip feeding how awful we are I think. We have had no contact for a year. struggling. Thanks PPs for tales of your young people returning.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 24/04/2024 17:29

I know this is no comfort Op but I think it's pretty clear your DD is in an abusive relationship, he's pouring poison in her ears to get her away from her family and friends, sadly, it's much easier for this man to be abusive once he's got her isolated. I expect her changing her phone was his idea.
I don't know if Women's Aid can help you with ideas to keep in contact but it would certainly be worth calling them to see. It may be a while but your DD will wake up to what's happened, that she needs to get away from him, if you can keep contact in even a minor way it will make it easier for her to turn to you.
This must be very hard for you and your DH, I hope your DD wakes up and contacts you soon

AGlinnerOfHope · 24/04/2024 17:33

I’m so sorry. Hopefully she’ll realise in time and come home. Maybe she’ll stay in touch with someone.

You could ask the police to do a welfare check if you thought it necessary.

I agree with PP, try asking women’s aid for advice- they’ll have seen the dynamic before.

Did she finish school?