Ex husband suddenly popping up in my local bar!

[Rawem32]

I know I'm technically being unreasonable here as it's a free country and he can do what he likes, but this is giving me the massive ick. Do people think my feelings are being unreasonable or reasonable I guess I'm asking?

For context, I'm 33, been divorced 5 years (we were together 9), but I've been with my current partner for 4 years. The divorce was amicable, we'd simply grown apart. We were 'friendly' for the initial 6 months whilst we were sorting our finances and selling the house etc, but that just fizzled and we haven't spoken since. We didn't share mutual friends/have kids and he wasn't overly close with my family so the separation was smooth sailing. My partner & I bought a house in a new town together away from both of our exes in 2022 and we've been very happy.

However, in December my Dad & brother were in the local bar to my partner & I, as we quite often all meet up there. This is somewhere I'd say we go to multiple times a month, know the owners well etc. It's quite a small venue, and not really the sort of place you would travel far afield for particularly., but we love it. On this occasion my ex husband happened to be there too, and the chilled type of person he is, kind of overstayed his welcome a tad, and sat down with my dad & brother for a good few hours. My Dad told me after as he felt rather weird about the whole thing (my Dad isn't the sort of person who can deal with confrontation and felt too awkward to ask him to leave). Dad said he was asking a few questions about me, how he was happy for me and it made him feel better that I was happy. I must admit this annoyed me as I do not require any kind of validation from him whatsoever. I guess he always thought me of kind of feeble sometimes, so this is where I got a bit pissed off, it's almost like he thought I wouldn't be ok without him.

Anyways, since then he has appeared back at the bar again this month! The only reason I know this is because the owner of the place told me. He was on his own apparently one evening drinking for a few hours. Now, this bar is not anywhere near where he lives, we are talking 2 separate bus rides as he so kindly pointed out to my brother as he was never able to only have 1 drink and would never drive anywhere...

I'm not sure why but this has really pissed me off. Out of all the bars in this world, why has he been at my local place twice now in as many months. I go there quite frequently as I've said and I really do not want to bump into him, especially with my current partner as the whole interaction is just weird and uncomfortable to me... I have no idea if I should say anything to him and ask politely for him to go somewhere else, but I know I can't really...any advice gratefully received!

I wouldn’t say anything to him personally. If you do, it could make him want to go there even more! If you do bump into him and wanted to be polite… I’d keep it at a hi, bye and continue with your time as if he wasn’t there!

That’s creepy and weird, clearly he’s not moved on as well as you have.

dont let him see it bothers you, just say hi and move on if you see him, your family will need to grow some, if he’s there, they have one drink and leave.

you all need to make it not worth his while

The only possible explanation is that he’s there in the hope of bumping in to you and those linked to you.

I would encourage you to make it clear to your family that if they see him again, be polite but firm and do not engage in conversation about you with him.

it would make me feel uncomfortable if this was me.

Why is it weird I went to a bar and I seen my ex partners sister asked how ex was. said I was happy for him. Could it be that you're father said it was weird seeing him as he thought that's the best thing to say. Instead of saying ho I had a lovely chat with your ex. Could it be your ex is bored with the local bars near him. If your ex was going to the bar every other day I would say yes he's definitely weird probably looking out to see you. It's a free country he can go where he pleases

Really? You don’t think it’s weird he does two bus journeys to go to a fairly standard bar and drink alone, knowing it’s the one they frequent?

janeintheframe
Where did op say her ex new that was her local bar. So no I don't think he's weird I get fed up with my local venues for a change I get the bus's out of town to try somewhere else. Like I said if he was there every other day that would be weird. It's a free country he can go where he likes

So he went to a bar, twice, not knowing your family were going to be there (and they weren’t the second time), and that means he’s stalking you 😂

How do you know that’s what he did, and that he wasn’t already in the area for something else? He didn’t even know it was their local

How does he know it’s your local, surely that’s a stretch. He could be in the area for work.

That’s an unusual question, as she never insinuated he knew rhe first time, she even says he happened to be there, but clearly he’d have known the second time.

but he may have known that where she dad and brother drink , only she can answer, but they were married,

Wait and see if he rocks up a third time then ask him, in a casual way, how come he's started coming here since he lives so far away.

I’d be curious too but I guess it’s a free world

If they were together then surely he’d have some way to contact her if he wanted to, which she seems to be insinuating. I really don’t believe he’s catching 4 buses out of his way and sitting for hours on his own in the pub just on the off chance that he can get a glimpse of the ops dad or brother

Just meet in a different bar for a bit. If he is there trying to stalk you he'll stop if you're never there... Then you can start going again in a month or two

Well it might be ‘weird’ or it might not.

He might have moved closer in the five years. Maybe he is richer now and uses cabs instead of buses. Maybe he just remembered it as a nice place for a drink.

The fact that you are annoyed that he was nice about you and said he was pleased that you were happy kind of implies you haven’t moved on.

"Of All The Gin Joints In All The Towns In All The World, he Walks Into Mine."

No, it really really REALLY doesn't...

I'm confused about what you're annoyed about. What he said and the questions he asked sound completely normal.
Your dad and your brother are big boys, if they dont want to sit with someone in a bar they can say, as can you if you ever bump into him.

Could there be an innocent explanation: working nearby, visiting someone who lives near?
If not, yes it is odd but there's nothing you can do about it.
however neither you, your partner, your family are obliged to talk to him if you are in the bar at the same time. Just nod hello and then ignore him and go on with your evening as normal.

Yes we live in a free country, but doing ' what we like ' comes with responsibility to respect other people's rights. And you have the right to live your life free from feeling threatened, intimidated or harassed. There are laws against that if that's how you feel.

🤣 funniest thing I've read in a while.
Laws are not based on how you feel if the person has done nothing wrong.

She felt uncomfortable. It's not a pub local to him. He knows she uses it. If she feels alarmed or distressed (yes the law requires these feelings) that he's planning deliberate appearances and monitoring her then it is potentially stalking. Such behaviour is criminalised under the protection from harassment act 1997. He would be given one warning that his actions are harassment ( stalking in this case) . Yes the op isn't quite sure what's going on, but it looks like he could be stalking: to me. What's your explanation? Yes it's borderline and he'd claim he's doing nothing wrong. Bur that's what stalkers do. This is the law as it's written, but I do concede that I don't know of relevant case law for such circumstances and actions against him would be difficult and the best advice might be to just stop visiting that pub Hilarious!!

How on earth is he stalking her? He's happened to be in the same pub as her twice in as many months - and the first time he didn't even know she went there!

You can't get someone arrested or in any kind of legal trouble for deciding they want to drink in the same pub as you occasionally!

OP hasn't even been there either time. The second time she only knows because the owner, who is presumably there virtually all the time, has told her. If he were asking where she lives, there every night trying to see her then it would be more concerning.

I would probably just plan to be really casual if he is there with OP and her new partner. 'Oh hi ex, this is lovely new man. Hope you have a nice evening.' and then wander to the other side of the bar all coupley. He should get the message if indeed that is the reason he is there anyway.

Yes that's what he would say and yes that's what the answer would likely be if she tried to make a complaint. You don't get arrested initially for stalking, you are warned first for this very reason that it's possible he's entirely innocent and unaware that his behaviour is causing alarm. Yes she can't be alarmed if she's not even there , and it's possibly a pub that people travel far and wide to and he has the right to also. But if an ex is going out of their way to repeatedly monitor a person and make them uncomfortable ( in general if not in this case) then there are laws against it. Which is the point I made. It could be the start of stalking and it could progress , even if at the moment it's all apparently casual, innocent and coincidental. That's how it starts! She is here questioning his behaviour, suggesting she's already uncomfortable. I sm merely informing that there is recourse if the situation escalates. Hopefully it doesn't.