How do you cope with a sexless marriage?

[yourcurrentusername]

Been married for years, kids left home.

We get on well, have lots in common, have a laugh, have a comfortable life.

Unfortunately my dh has no libido, it's been dwindling for a few years now but has finally died a death (I could cope with once a month but it's now been six months without)

I ended up sleeping in a different room for a couple of reasons - one was his snoring but I was also finding the proximity difficult, being next to him and wanting physical connection but not getting it was painful.

It never seems the right time to bring it up/discuss it. I've made a couple of comments about missing it but I don't want to pressure someone who isn't interested.

Most of the time I manage to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the good things, then occasionally I think "I can't live like this anymore" and try and initiate some intimacy. I did so last night, just got into bed and cuddled up to him but he flung an arm round me and carried on reading.

I just feel so deflated.

I could leave, but there's no guarantee I'd meet anyone else who'd be interested in me. I might be giving up an otherwise good marriage for nothing but it almost feels worse being lonely within a marriage than living alone.

Can anyone relate?

You are going to get very resentful.
Has he ever spoken about it, about trying Viagra?

Have used viagra but it stopped working.

Has your husband ever done anything to address his low labido,? Has he had tests for his testosterone levels.

If he is open to the idea, you could try a therapist that specialises in this area.

Completely without the pressure of sex could you take a bath together just to relax and connect?

Does he feel pressured in to sex - even if just getting slightly intimate and he realises he can't keep his erection, so erm shrivels.

Viagra isn't to be taken lightly, it lowers the blood pressure quite dramatically to send blood flow to the penis. I couldn't be arsed with that, I'd probably faint.

He is being unfair in refusing to discuss it with you though. I know its a difficult conversation to have, but he absolutely needs to have it.

Also, you shouldn't stay (or leave) just because you might be alone. You don't exist to be with someone.

I've been single properly since my teenager was 4 months old, I also have an adult child and I'm a grandmother.

Plenty of men have been interested and yes, I've taken up some offers 😉 but I love being single. I can't imagine anything worse than having to endure another being in my space 🤣

He's actually just started on meds for high BP, I wonder if that was a contributing factor to the ED?

He doesn't refuse to discuss it per se, he just buries his head in the sand. He would talk about it if I started the conversation.

How miserable for you.
firstly you need to talk with him about it.
How that conversation goes will lead you perhaps to decision making.
If he says he doesn’t want sex full stop only you can decided whether you can put up with it.
i wouldn’t be able to personally. My oh also has a dwindling libido so I feel your pain.

Go slightly mad and fancy any man that smiles at me.

On a serious note, sympathy op it’s so soul destroying.

In my experience, it will sadly only get worse unless you are both committed to improving things.

Does he know exactly how bad you feel?

Wow. Imagine if it was the other way around. All you hear is sex pest, abuse and ltb. I can't imagine people saying 'she should go to the GP, therapy, meds to increase her libido' when it's the woman who isn't interested.

Plenty of threads that say the same for women who don'twant to have sex in a relationship. Not when they have sole responsibility for 3 under 5s though, that's completely different or being continually coerced. None of this applies here.
Lazy post tbh.

Second getting testosterone levels checked.

How old are you both? Does he masturbate?

I believe that for some people who have been married for a long time,sex becomes less important,if important at all but is often not discussed.It only becomes a problem when one person in the marriage still needs sex.Would you both consider going to a marriage guidance counselor to talk about how you both feel about actually needing sex and how often.I feel for you though,as when I was married I wanted sex more than him.I am not saying at all that this is the case in your marriage but sex can just become dull in some long term relationships...Or a partner no longer feels attracted to their other half ( in my case)..If you still have love and companionship together,I hope you can work this out.

I'm not a sex pest 🥹

Three years here. I'm over it now I tried talking about and got nowhere so now I sort myself out. My 80 year old parents are still at it daily! So they tell me.

No, I don't think he does.

I realise that me telling him how I feel would just put him under more pressure which can be counter productive. He knows I miss it but I don't go on about it, I hoped things would magically improve but I am reaching the point where I will have to because it is breaking me.

Please talk to him

Feeling your pain, OP. In the same boat.
partner has high blood pressure caused by liver issues and we’ve been told not to take viagra just yet. But he won’t book an appointment to discuss it further with the doctor.
the resentment is building :( I find myself making really unhelpful and divisive sarcastic comments, but it’s been probably 18 months now, on the odd occasion we have attempted sex it’s been all about him and his erection - nothing for me.
but also, life is so so busy and we are both knackered, working. have teens and elderly parents to care for and it’s just easier to avoid having a conversation about it.
I can feel my own libido slowly slipping away as I age and it makes me sad that used to be such a great part of our relationship. I wish I could say it has been replaced with friendship. But all he wants to talk about is American politics and all I want to talk about is decorating the house and we don’t seem to have any middle ground 😝

5 years for me. I brought him viagra as he was too embarrassed to buy it. He never used it. It's probably out of date now. He's had an erection a few times and has chosen for me to wank him off while he uses fingers on me. It does nothing for me but i dont tell him that as he'd be upset. Personally, I want to be f*ed stupid from behind. That is not going to happen. Dh refuses to discuss ever as he's embarrassed. He clearly has ED. I sympathise OP.. I watch porn and masturbate but it's no where near the same. Without being too graphic- I just want to feel my DH inside of me.

@redheadsaregreat dont be so ridiculous, it’s a relationship forum and op has not said anything negative like that.

I empathise completely. DH and I haven’t attempted to have sex for nearly 18 months. As long as I’ve known him he’s had ED but viagra helped with that as he did have libido but his mum died 4 years ago and at some point after that he started taking ADs as well as meds for high BP and he has no libido any more.

I masturbate but only on my own as I feel too daft if he’s around and tbh intimacy is going. I used to touch him sometimes but what is the point? He never touches me either. We occasionally talk about it but it’s as if he’s talking about someone else and saying it’s not OK but then it’s not as if anything changes.

I’m resigned to this being it I think. Part of me wonders what it would be like to be on my own but I would feel so guilty to spoil things for DH who worries I would leave.

Is a bit rubbish really

There's a subreddit called deadbedrooms (depressing name!) you might find some comfort in

He has a heart condition if he has ED. ED is the symptom of a problem not the actual cause usually.

This could be an opening to conversation if he's willing to discuss his BP results regularly. Example; have you tested your pulse in the morning? Maybe test it each day and see if it's different when you wake up. Do you wake up with an erection on the days when BP is similar (low/high)? What does the GP say about that? I think it's important to inform them because they can use it to decide if they need to monitor you more frequently as you're high risk for heart attack.

Sounds like a crazy start in conversation but he's allowed 6 months to go by without seeing how his health effects you.

Hormones are very closely connected to gut health. If it's a testosterone thing it will also cause other issues with gut health. Something else as a conversation starter.

Both points are you putting him in a situation where he could attempt to bring the conversation to discuss his libido. But what it doesn't address is why he hasn't been asking you how you are emotionally following his rejection.