How do you cope with a sexless marriage?

[yourcurrentusername]

Been married for years, kids left home.

We get on well, have lots in common, have a laugh, have a comfortable life.

Unfortunately my dh has no libido, it's been dwindling for a few years now but has finally died a death (I could cope with once a month but it's now been six months without)

I ended up sleeping in a different room for a couple of reasons - one was his snoring but I was also finding the proximity difficult, being next to him and wanting physical connection but not getting it was painful.

It never seems the right time to bring it up/discuss it. I've made a couple of comments about missing it but I don't want to pressure someone who isn't interested.

Most of the time I manage to put it to the back of my mind and focus on the good things, then occasionally I think "I can't live like this anymore" and try and initiate some intimacy. I did so last night, just got into bed and cuddled up to him but he flung an arm round me and carried on reading.

I just feel so deflated.

I could leave, but there's no guarantee I'd meet anyone else who'd be interested in me. I might be giving up an otherwise good marriage for nothing but it almost feels worse being lonely within a marriage than living alone.

Can anyone relate?

DH lost interest in sex when I was pregnant with my twins. They’re 5 in a few weeks. We’ve had sex a handful of times and I’ve told him how I feel. He says he’s just not up to it. Our twins are stressful but I do find myself being resentful. I don’t mention it anymore, the rejection is just too much.

I have thought about us separating but we get on fine in every other area. I’m only 43 and the thought of this forever is soul destroying

so OP I really do sympathise with you

@yourcurrentusername I know your not a sex pest. I would never claim to know that about you or anyone else. My comment is purely a commentary on how different the comments are to when a woman posts that she no longer wants sex ever again and her dh just doesn't get it.

Women and men sometimes lose their libido with age. When a woman does and a man is sad and a little bit desperate and can't contemplate a life devoid of sex the comments are predictably that he is a sex pest. He should just wank more. That a woman shouldn't have to have sex if she doesn't want it (obviously). That no doubt he is lazy and it's all his fault. All sorts of comments determine with no evidence or suggestion from the poster that the man is no doubt not doing e Pugh around the house etc. even when the woman says he does more than his fair share.
On this thread the comments are all about how he should get his hormones checked. That you shouldn't have to live without sex. That you should go get attention from other men. That it's normal for you to feel resentment.

My comment is a commentary on the hypocrisy

Completely pointless observation. Unless these particular posters are commenting differently depending on the sex of the OP in the other threads you are referring to, there is no hypocrisy here on this thread. The posters here are trying to help and advise this woman who is having a hard time.

@yourcurrentusername , it sounds like you don't want to end your relationship, but I would want to sit down with him so he knows how this is affecting you. Then if he still buries his head in the sand you can move on a bit with any decisions you need to make.

@redheadsaregreat any comments about “what would happen” on another type of thread are completely pointless. MN has tens of thousands of members who are all individuals with different views and you commented when the thread had less than 25 posts.

What’s the point? How does it help OP?

You want to start a thread about double standards on MN? Knock yourself out. It will probably be several times the length of this one. And if that is the debate you want, a thread like that is the place for it. Not on a thread where someone is struggling.

I was in this exact position for years, it almost broke me on many occasions. I would find myself walking the dogs and crying into the wind. On average we were having sex once every 6 weeks, at my instigation, and his erection wouldn't last. Like you Op, lying next to DH in bed was torture, as I wanted sex and would find myself just looking at his back as he slept.

TADALAFIL is the answer. My DH started taking this about 5 months ago, and the change has been AMAZING. After YEARS of hardly any action in the bedroom, he cannot keep his hands off me and we have been having sex almost every day. He orders it from Numan. It comes in a plain cardboard box every month. Beware, it takes about 2-3 months to work (we almost gave up), but then all of a sudden POW, he's like a 20 year old and cannot keep his hands off me. It brings the sex drive back and also has a viagra effect, so that there is never any ED. He takes a 5mg tablet every morning. I honestly cannot believe how good this is. Please please try it.

I'm not saying this is you, I'm just ticking boxes with my post.

Guys need to be loved too. They need to be excited too. Women will often say in here that a man doing the housework goes 90% of the way to turning her on.

Is he stressed? Do you nag? Have you been critical or pushy in bed? These are the negatives, and I'm not saying any are you...

When he sees you naked, does he try his luck? Does he hug you? Does he sit on the toilet and talk to you while you're in the shower trying to get a glimpse? When you're in bed and hugs you, does his hand move to your boobs or down?
Are there things that he has mentioned that he wants to try that have always been a firm no? Maybe time to reconsider?

If you were snuggling in bed and your hand wandered... if you kissed him on his chest and slowly moved down... would he be keen? It might be that his anxiety and erectile issues are SO severe that he worries he won't get it up and be embarrassed so he doesn't even try... maybe time for some reassurance?

I feel your pain op, I am 2.5 years in of no sex after a few more of once or twice a year. Been together 23, not married, no kids.We’re only in our early forties. Can’t say we ever had an amazing sex life ever. He did manage to get his ex pregnant twice while they were teens, for years I was thinking they must have been so stupid then I realised their sex life must have been that good to forget about everything?

For years he would shut down any conversation about kids, so when I finally decided I will talk about them even if he did not like it, he started to get very cautious.

I no longer feel bad about being next to him without having intimacy, I have lost interest too. I think I may be perceived as being rejective these days.

Last time I checked he could not get an errection unless I touched his penis and he could not hold it. I tried talking about it a few times but was faced with denial. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.

As you already said, there is no guarantee you’ll find someone at least as good as he is in the other aspects of life. And how long will your libido last too?

What will be more painful is when you’ll find yourself crushing really hard on other people, it will happen eventually.

I'm afraid it won’t get any better.

This was my life 10 years ago and it just got progressively worse. We have had sex twice in 5 years. Top and bottom of it is that I just don’t think he fancies me anymore.

I cope my having no expectations now, by having a good vibrator and in the last couple of years by having a very discreet lover who I see every month or so. It keeps me sane.

I am 57.

OP - does he have ED or low/no libido?

these are two very different things and both need different actions.

What a weird post! In my case (before the Tadalafil tablets) :

Is he stressed? NO

Do you nag? NO

Have you been critical or pushy in bed? NO

When he sees you naked, does he try his luck? NO

Does he hug you? YES (but it never progressed beyond that)

Does he sit on the toilet and talk to you while you're in the shower trying to get a glimpse? NO

When you're in bed and hugs you, does his hand move to your boobs or down? HIS HANDS DIDN'T GO ON ME

Are there things that he has mentioned that he wants to try that have always been a firm no? NO

If you were snuggling in bed and your hand wandered... if you kissed him on his chest and slowly moved down... would he be keen? NO

It might be that his anxiety and erectile issues are SO severe that he worries he won't get it up and be embarrassed so he doesn't even try... maybe time for some reassurance? REASSURANCE WOULD NOT STOP ED.

He is currently having tests for all this after going to the Gp about something else (although I doubt he's mentioned the ED)

Both!

Ok, unfortunately the two go hand in hand.

if a man has ED, either getting hard or staying hard the easy solution for him is to avoid intimacy so he doesn’t let you down or lower his self esteem.

far too many men brush ED under the carpet hoping it will go away and sort itself out but it doesn’t get better, it only gets worse.

whether it’s physical or psychological, it can be treated and that might increase his libido knowing he can perform again. But, it might not.

does he masturbate? If he does this is a sign that he has at least some kind of libido, but don’t be fooled into thinking if he masturbates he can get hard because a lot of men with physical ED masturbate even when soft.

is he overweight? Diabetic or suffer from depression? All of these can and will affect both ED and libido.

PDE5s like Viagra and cialis will help ED but they won’t affect his libido if he doesn’t want sex.

you need to tell him how you feel and support him as much as you can, a man suffering from ED, especially when they are younger is soul destroying and that in itself can lead to depression, lower the desire to have sex and effectively switch off - it’s a viscous circle.

IF it’s just the lack of intimacy that’s the issue, stick with him if he’s willing to get help, if he’s not, then you need to think long and hard if you can be in a sexless marriage because it won’t get any better I’m afraid.

"Are you washing the dishes, hoovering the living room?"

Standard MN response.

Yes, that can make a difference. But, he needs to discuss it with you - there are many ways to make love.

I was in my early twenties at the time. When I told DP I was pregnant I feel like it all downhill from there. He would get into bed and just fall asleep. It was heartbreaking. I ended up saying to him please can we be intimate, he'd just fall back to sleep again. We even went on a weekend away and didn't have sex once!! Even now I look back and feel so sad about it.

It absolutely ruined my self esteem. I'm still not the same now.

(I later found out he was cheating on me with multiple women throughout my pregnancy and after baby was born.)

I really respect your honesty..It was the same for me,I took a lover but still loved my husband but we got divorced anyway as he also took a lover . Sometimes I wonder if humans are really meant to stay together for ever.Lust and libido are complicated things.

We have reverse situation and I'm simply not feeling that way anymore- I'm 62- it's hard to say why, I just totally lost interest at around 48 - it's not just him- I wouldn't be interested if it was a 46 year old handsome stud. We have discussed it- I think you need to as well- I can honestly say my H is reasonably attractive too for 59 -

@LizMax

I agree. Some clearly have a great sexual connection and do stay together but a lot don’t have that and I think a lot of it comes from Women choosing life partners who feel safe and be a good parent. Two of my best friends married for security, father potential and a nice lifestyle. They rarely have sex either because they don’t really fancy the person they married.

I think we will end up splitting up too. It is of course possible that mine has too but I haven’t found any evidence of that. He does have opportunity though as his job is very flexible and he spends nights away.

@LizMax

How did you feel when you found out about the lover on his side?

I suspect my DH doesn’t fancy me and that’s not the same as having no libido. I know he uses porn.

Don't wait til you're 13 years without and your soul is destroyed.

I was hurt but could hardly judge him.Since splitting up I have not found love..Fell in love but not reciprocated..I am 57 too and stopped looking 2 years ago..

Yes, viagra doesn't increase libido, it just means that his libido translates into him having an erection!

Honestly, I'd leave. I was in a different situation as while he hadn't lost his libado it was enough to have quick bad sex every month. It wasn't enough for me. I chose the possibility of no sex over awful sex.

Since being single, well...let's just say, I've been catching up on what I've been missing and now been with DP for two years who hits all the right buttons and is up for it daily as am I.

OP, you say he is open to the conversation so have the conversation. And tell him how you feel, he might not realise how much this is affecting you.
There are other avenues you can explore than Viagra, which you say stopped working.
Health and fitness is a given but also Testosterone levels can be improved and as other posters have said there are other medications for ed and even a localised gel which l keep seeing being advertised.
Do open up to him though, nothing will change without you both talking about it.