My fiancé hasn’t introduced me to his female friend and I’m hesitant to marry until I do

[Quickrunner91]

My fiancé has a female friend at his workplace who he says he’s known for a long time. She often calls my fiancé ‘when she needs him’, often more than once a week asking for advice about all topics and about advice in her relationship with her boyfriend. He says they have a lot in common.

My fiancé told me very little about this woman until months into our relationship. I tried to open a dialogue about her so that I can understand what she’s like to feel more comfortable about their relationship. I think she is still contacting him these days, sometimes a video call too. I notice that whenever she calls his phone( for example if the screen lights up from her call and I happen to see) he doesn’t pick it up or call her back if he missed it when I’m present, so I don’t know what their dynamic is like, I don’t know how she speaks to him etc.

I wanted to meet this woman so that hopefully I could get rid of some of this insecurity and know a little bit about her. I asked my fiancé if we could all meet and initially he said yes but then said that he sees her a lot during work and perhaps she’d find it odd to meet up together, so he thought it best not to ask to meet.

I’d really like some indication of how they act together and her personality so that I can ease my insecurities before marriage , however I guess now I’m unlikely to meet her.

I don’t think my fiancé is up to anything and he doesn’t speak alot about any of his friends but I’d just like some peace of mind before marrying.

I really don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be appreciated

Hi OP.
if your DP has nothing to hide, he wouldn’t have a problem with you all meeting up. Especially if she’s asking him for relationship advice.

Does he ever answer the phone to her infront of you? If not.... I'd be a bit concerned if that's the case. Its also kinda odd you're marrying this chap but haven't met her if they are "that" close.

Is she invited to the wedding?

Well my gut feeling is that one or both have a crush or a flirtation.

If you're such good friends and are comfortable being called up all the time to chat about deeply personal problems why would you not want to introduce this lovely friend to the woman you want to marry as it would then be lovely that they became friends a too.

He's keeping you apart for a reason.

Or he's being respectful of his fiancé by not answering the phone to someone else whilst with her, because his fiancé is his priority.

Well that's a great start to your marriage.
Just stop now, if he loves you he will want to sort this out. Unlikely

Well done for not already having stalked the heck out of her on social media, OP. I'd have been all over that and working myself up into a lather by now. hashtag anxious attachment

He spends all that time talking to her but finds it odd to suggest meeting outside of work?

Dunno OP, this wouldn't sit right with me

Give the ring back. So much stress. Imagine the rest of your life.

For every phone call? That's dodgy especially when put together with how evasive he is when talking about the friend. If they are that close, why hasn't he introduced her to the woman he's going to marry? Honestly .... I'd bet money there's either something going on, or one or both have a crush/feelings like someone said further up.

I would just tell him about your justifiable concerns. If nothing is going on, other than a friendship, he will surely work to put your mind at rest. If they are so close she seeks relationship advice from him, surely she would be eager to meet you, also keen to put your mind at rest. If nothing is going on, I don't see why he is being so obtuse.

Well my gut feeling is that one or both have a crush or a flirtation.

Yup. From experience, this.

Hmmm

It is possible, even likely, that this female colleague has a crush on him, that he isn’t interested but is friendly to her because they work together and he doesn’t dislike her, and that but doesn’t want to suggest a meetup outside work because that’d only encourage her crush. I don’t think it’s weird he doesn’t take her calls near you, he probably doesn’t want to encourage her to feel she can interrupt his time with you.

If they usually meet up outside work (weekends, not just a quick after work drink) then he should take you along and work on making his friend your friend. But if he only sees her in work situations and their outside work contact is mostly her pestering him for attention on the phone, I’d just let him deal with the situation. It isn’t his fault if a colleague has a crush on him. Does he call her? Does he use her as emotional support or is this just her pestering him?

Based on what you’ve said I’m not too worried but do think she probably has a crush.

@Alessya

Or he has played down the girlfriend/fiancée at work and that's why she happily phoned her friend.

Otherwise he would easily stop her personal phone calls outside of work by heavily laying it on thick about his girlfriend.

He's making himself available emotionally to this woman which isn't a good sign when he wants to keep them apart.

If it were the other way round and you had a male colleague at work who you thought was funny and enjoyed his company you would want him to be mates with your boyfriend.

Something is odd and it's not the op who is rightfully concerned.

You are 100% rightto have cold feet about getting married in this case.
It will always be a shadow in your life.
You could dodge a bullet by calling it off now. Trust me. There is no point to ultimatums, because he may decide to introduce you if he is under pressure.
But his behaviour shows he has an interest in her, but does not see himself able to get her. Otherwise, yoi would all be great friends by now.

If she had a crush on him, which is likely, and he did not welcome this, he would not be replying to her texts.
It is likely they both have a crush on each other, but are not acting on it. At least yet, at least fully.
The emotional affair threshold is on the asking for relationship advice.
If they had similar sense of humour, interests.... then he would love the idea of introducing this woman to her fiance. Do not all want for our partner and friends to get along?
Equally, if he were not interested, nothing would make him keep in contact and engaged.

Bollocks. I don’t speak to even my best friend this much most weeks. This woman is heavily involved in the ops fiancés life and she’s not allowed to meet her? It’s the opposite of respectful leaving his fiance to speak to this woman on the phone. Plus they’re literally engaged to be married. How on earth do you get to that stage and still refuse to answer the phone in front of each other out of ‘respect’ like it’s a first date or something? I bet he has no issues at all talking to other people on the phone in front of her

He'd like to be more than just friends and I suspect she is very willing. I'd be worried.

Hmm.....many years ago one of my ex's had a female friend. One day after another argument that I was very uncomfortable I told him to call her so I could introduce myself. He did. I introduced myself, hi I've heard so much about you we haven't met yet maybe we could all meet up for lunch or something. She went a bit quiet and said erm I don't think so it'd be weird. There was a reason it would be weird as I found out a few months later.

Perhaps they've had a situationship in the past?
My ex had a female friend like this who was the first and last person he spoke to daily, would be upset if she's having a bad day, and was always on deck to provide her with emotional support and advice. I asked him to invite her over for dinner, but also made it clear that their codependency is not something I'm willing to put up with. After a while, it got worse and I got more uncomfortable and pushed him to tell me what's really going on. It emerged they'd had a short-lived relationship and they 'will always care about each other and be best friends.' I had to break up with him and leave them to it.

I'm less wary of this than others here I think. It sounds like he only sees her at work, is that right? They're friends at work and she also calls him to chat, but they don't socialise away from work? In which case it would be weird for him to arrange a meet-up just so his fiancee can suss her out and observe their dynamic. She could just be a good friend from work and there's no more to it.

Also, beware that if he's her go-to person to discuss her partner, she'd become his to discuss you. This is a red flag.

They've got a crush on each other. I bet they discuss their partners too. It's not for your ears. I dont blame you for not wanting to marry him.

Its not that you have to be friends with his friends. DP isnt friends with my friends. But I've introduced them so they're not strangers, if they bump into each other somewhere or other they can recognise each other and say hi and be friendly. & that includes my male friends. If friends phone me whilst he's at mine I pick up the phone. I normally move to another room after a few minutes especially if theyre telling me something personal to them. If he can't even pick up the phone much less talk to her for a few minutes when you're around then it's not a good sign.

You're not even married yet and you're already on an internet forum with worries about another woman. I'm of the mind we dont die for lack of a particular man. We get over these things. It'd be bye bye from me as Im uninterested in men who play games like this. You can do better for yourself than him.

Didn’t you post about this recently OP, as in the last day or so? :/ it’s almost identical to another thread except I don’t remember you calling him your fiance.

if so you said he’s only known her 6 months or something I believe?

Well if they were having a romantic restaurant dinner then no he shouldn't answer the phone. But sounds like this is just general life. My husband is my priority, but it doesn't mean I can only answer the phone when he is elsewhere.

OP, it sounds a bit suspicious to be honest. But I am not sure meeting her is going to alleviate anything, they would surely be on their best behaviour in front of you.