My fiancé hasn’t introduced me to his female friend and I’m hesitant to marry until I do

[Quickrunner91]

My fiancé has a female friend at his workplace who he says he’s known for a long time. She often calls my fiancé ‘when she needs him’, often more than once a week asking for advice about all topics and about advice in her relationship with her boyfriend. He says they have a lot in common.

My fiancé told me very little about this woman until months into our relationship. I tried to open a dialogue about her so that I can understand what she’s like to feel more comfortable about their relationship. I think she is still contacting him these days, sometimes a video call too. I notice that whenever she calls his phone( for example if the screen lights up from her call and I happen to see) he doesn’t pick it up or call her back if he missed it when I’m present, so I don’t know what their dynamic is like, I don’t know how she speaks to him etc.

I wanted to meet this woman so that hopefully I could get rid of some of this insecurity and know a little bit about her. I asked my fiancé if we could all meet and initially he said yes but then said that he sees her a lot during work and perhaps she’d find it odd to meet up together, so he thought it best not to ask to meet.

I’d really like some indication of how they act together and her personality so that I can ease my insecurities before marriage , however I guess now I’m unlikely to meet her.

I don’t think my fiancé is up to anything and he doesn’t speak alot about any of his friends but I’d just like some peace of mind before marrying.

I really don’t know where to go from here. Any advice would be appreciated

Does she know he is engaged ? How long have you known this man? I would be inclined to say dont proceed until you have all the facts and a satisfactory response. If he isn't open and honest now he certainly won't improve with age.

This stuff is always really annoying, OP. At worst it's because there is history/present attraction you don't know about, but at best you're about to marry a man who doesn't know how to focus his emotional commitments, and is scattergun with his loyalty.

It’s not right. Needs to be sorted before you marry him. He needs clear boundaries with this friend/ colleague that are not there at the moment.

My husband has female friends, he just answers the phone to them normally and lets me know if they are meeting up, which isn't that frequent, in other words he behaves normally and naturally, as I do around my male friends, indeed all our friends. Your fiance is behaving oddly and I wouldn't like that. My husband might pop into my workplace, I would meet his friends at a party once or twice a year, no need to separate everything out so completely, unless there is of course...

Would you behave the same way if it was a male friend ? Would you want to meet them? Or is it your insecurities affecting you ?

My partner has a 'friend' like this and I'm not comfortable with it either

This op.

Oh my goodness I had an experience like this years ago, your experienced has reminded me of that time. And my daughter has just been through similar, I didn’t realise it was such a common thing.

Years ago I was with a boyfriend who had a friend. It was obvious he had a crush on her and I suspected she had a crush on him. I can remember feeling uncomfortable with this, and it only petered out (I think maybe she lost interest in him) when I finally met her when they were together once. This ex was such a whopper that he had been planning on going on a sunny holiday with her!

When I eventually finished with him months later over his arrogance he was devastated, went mute and really weird.

my DD went through something similar recently, it’s so unpleasant. He ended up finishing the relationship with her due to her complaining about his disloyalty. He has lost loads of weight, looks terrible and has tried to go to social gatherings that my DD is at. When she gets wind of this she bails as she doesn’t feel ready to face him again.

men like this are so stupid!!

If she's such a close friend, I assume she's invited to the wedding?

He's compartmentalising his life isn't he? I wouldn't be happy with this.

He's not acting naturally because deep down he fancies her, and enjoys the attention.

She will most likely always be there in the background.

They may have had some sort of relationship in the past as it sounds like a more than 'just friends' situation.

Does she even know about you?

He's definitely hiding something about this 'friend' situation.

Does she know about you?

I'd be worried he isn't answering the phone because he doesn't want her to hear you in the background or you to hear him talk to her like a girlfriend.

I'd be laying it on the line that if she's such a close friend to him you want to meet.

Why is he worried about how she might feel about meeting up? Surely he should be more concerned about how you feel

This.
He knows you are uncomfortable with it, and honestly, rightly so.
He isn't doing anything to calm your fears, he is actually making them worse.
Not answering her calls or calling her back when you are around is a HUGE red flag.
Of course if you were in the middle of something together, fair enough, but all the time? No, there is a reason he doesn't want to talk to her in front of you. And you need to know what that reason is.
I expect he answers other calls when you are around?

Also, as he knows its getting uncomfortable for you, he could easily say to her, look my fiance wants to meet you because we communicate so much. Any normal friend would be more than happy to meet you and put any concerns at rest. She'd be a total thicko if she didn't realise a girlfriend may be concerned about their friendship. And most close friends want to meet their friends partners anyway!

Imagine the shoe on the other foot. Lets say you had a close male friend you chatted to alot but nothing going on. You'd absolutely want him to meet your fiancee. Especially so if your fiancee hinted he found it a bit uncomfortable. You'd immediately do what you can to ease his concerns.

Also, as a PP above said. if she is calling him for relationship advise, thats another HUGE red flag. And he'll absolutely he discussing your relationship with her. IF she knows about you, that is.

I'd be firm in saying he answers the phone when you are around. AND you want to meet her. Its totally normal to ask this! if he refuses, you know there is a problem.

Suggest a night out with her and her boyfriend. If he puts you off I'd be suspicious.

For me this would be a major turn off. No way in hell should you go into a relationship, specially a marriage, with this level of insecurity and bs. Not a chance!

Well my gut feeling is that one or both have a crush or a flirtation.

This is all kinds of weird

Under no circumstances marry or set a date until you have not only met her but fully bottomed this out.

Also they work together fgs…it’s not like she lives in Australia.
you could turn up at his office and all go for after work drinks Thu or Fri this week… 🤷🏻‍♀️

You're smart.
Many years ago I dated a man who ASSURED me he was just good friends with "Elle".
I met "Elle" and she was charismatic, beautiful, genuinely warm and socially skilled.

It made me feel sorry for him. There he was defending this friendship with a woman so out of his league she wouldn't even have set him up with one of her friends.

And he risked losing me because he couldn't see it. He told me I was jealous. Lol. I liked her. The problem was.... I lost a bit of respect for him
So it was about him but he couldn't see it. He had stars in his eyes bless him.

You. Seem insecure If you don't trust your guy call off the engagement NOW

I would find it bizarre if any friend of my husband’s, male or female, was calling him that often to discuss their relationship with their partner. They’ve got all day at work to gossip about random shit; they don’t need to bring it into your time with him too.

Hmm, it's certainly abit odd I think. I have no issue with my partner having female friends, but the fact you can't even meet her is weird. I have male friends who I chat to occasionally, we even meet up for days out with the kids, or even events that my partner doesn't want to do but he does. The difference is though that my partner has met him several times (plus he has a wife which makes a difference obviously) and even though we talk to each other about stuff, it's not daily!

But I guess it comes down to one thing.....

Do you trust your partner? Its that simple really.

Been in similar and seen similar, op. He’s either crushing on her or in a fwb situation. “She talks about her boyfriend troubles” could be misdirection too, to make you think she has one when she may not. Just the fact that’s the main example you mentioned.

You have to get it sorted, or run the risk that when she decides she wants him full time, he’ll run to her. Don’t ever be the second choice.

Do you suspect it’s an emotional affair? I feel it’s either that or defo some kind of flirtation or crush or limerence situation. Your gut is calling you that’s why you’ve turned to mumsnet about this. I would be digging- if he won’t respect your feelings by answering your Qs fully or agreeing for you to meet her or be present during her calls- that’s a red flag x