Dating after long marriage

[Purplestarboat]

Just come out of a long marriage (20+ years) and have just started to date again. I'm late forties.

I have been thinking about the different types of men I know, or who I have met recently.

Some men I know are emotionally connected, charismatic, generous, open, fun, they enjoy women and female company. The downside is that they seem to like a lot of women and a lot of women like them (not suggesting they wouldn't be faithful).

Then there are men who seem to be loyal, dependable, reliable but may not be emotionally open and can seem a bit cold and disengaged.

My ex husband was in the second category, and I felt so lonely in our marriage due to the coldness and lack of emotional connection. I am now much more drawn to a warmer, emotionally open type of guy, but as I mentioned above, they seem to be the ones who a lot of other women like too!

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment and just would like to meet someone who is emotionally open and caring but also dependable and loyal etc - so the best of both worlds basically! I know I've only just started looking after many years of being married, so maybe I just need to give it time.

Has anyone else thought this?

(I'm sorry if anyone is offended if it seems like I am massively generalising/ stereotyping here. If I thought about it, I could probably put women into categories too, or in fact people in general. I'm not saying either type of man is better or worse, just something I've noticed.)

You can't have it all - simple as that

Might be worth reading the dating thread OP as there’s a lot of helpful chat in there.

Im a few years older than you and have to be honest that over 40 the pickings out there are pretty slim and tbh the ones in your first description are usually messing around with several women at a time

I must admit this part of your post caught my eye

I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment

If you’re feeling vulnerable then it might be worth asking yourself if you’re really ready to date yet. It’s when you’re vulnerable that it’s easy to misjudge and make bad choices. Many of us have done it.

Read the dating thread for good insights.
I've given up in my late 40s. There's no decent men out there at my age.

Why not wait to date? How long ago did your relationship end? If you’re feeling vulnerable the last thing you need is online dating as it can be demoralising and upsetting

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4944000-dating-thread-244

You really do need to deal with the upset/stress of your recent marriage break up before starting dating. A new man is the not answer to your woes

also, having been on the other side of this, it’s not fair on the new guy to date a woman who is in a bad state over their marriage break up. It’s not fair on him

I'll be honest, there's no such man that encompasses all of those things 😅. There are times I hate being straight as men piss me off, I swear a woman would be much easier to be in a relationship with!

@SamW98 "Im a few years older than you and have to be honest that over 40 the pickings out there are pretty slim and tbh the ones in your first description are usually messing around with several women at a time" Yes, that's what I've noticed too. I do feel I am drawn to more warm, charismatic guys, after the emotional barrenness of my marriage, but as you say, I think that type of guy can sometimes have a few women on the go at once!

Re feeling vulnerable - yes maybe I do need to wait a while and try to heal and think about what I really want for myself and/or in a relationship.

@Lookingforunicorns oh no, that's depressing to hear - but realistic I'm sure! I wonder if it would be better to meet someone "organically" rather than trawling through online dating. But then how many times do we meet someone in real life who happens to be single and where there's a spark?! It's not easy to find.

@Zanatdy my marriage ended 6 months ago. Yes I know online dating can be demoralising - I've barely spotted my toe in the water and I'm already feeling like that! I think I will give it more time and spend time on my own. Its just that I had felt so lonely in my marriage for a few years and was really craving a warm loving connection with someone.

@Jennyjojo5 I understand what you're saying, and I certainly would not want to mess any guy around. I take on board what people are saying here and I'm realising that I probably need to feel stronger in myself before looking for a new connection.

@HalloumiGeller I know, I can think of many women who have all the characteristics I mentioned - just a shame I'm not attracted to them!!

I think it’s fine to date to get back on the horse so to speak but don’t set expectations. Just have a bit of fun. Not every relationship needs to be deadly series and committed from day one. So many people split and then end up with the first person that comes along. You don’t need to do that.

You're taking it far too seriously...and actually I don't think there are any emotionally open etc men who are single and middle aged tbh. Sorry, not positive I know, but it's a bear pit, only approach if confident and resilient!

@Ktyr @Summerhillsquare yes maybe I am taking it all too seriously! I think coming out of a long marriage I was just assuming that my next relationship would also be a committed one for some reason. I can't really imagine dating in a lighthearted way just to have fun, I would always think that unless I really liked the guy I would rather stay at home on my own. But that's probably the wrong approach for dating these days as you've probably got to go on many dates before finding someone you like!

I would find a hobby where you can meet men and socialise without dating them.

Choir or choral society? Badminton or bowls club? Bell ringing? Get an allotment? Something where the men are incidental.