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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner is still on Tinder after confronting him

58 replies

Irakotka · 23/01/2024 12:35

Hello, I’ve found out my partner had the Tinder app on his phone. The first time I saw the logo I thought it was my paranoia but after seeing the app open on another day from far I started thinking and thinking. So I created a fake account to check if he really had the app downloaded before confronting him as I didn’t want to be a paranoic in case it was another app. And there he was. I told him I saw he has downloaded Tinder, etc. He was giving me the silent treatment / gashlighting. We meet to talk after a week or so. We kinda got back together, he said I should change somethings that’s why he downloaded Tinder. But I kept saying that is not a good example as I might not be the best girlfriend but I didn’t download Tinder or search for other man. I think he has some kind of narcissist behaviours sometimes, he has also treated me like a bag of trash sometimes. And not sure how I became so addicted to him. He is 37, weed addict as he smokes everyday since we have been in the relationship for about 4 years. I’m always the one who worries, to keep the fridge full, etc. To clean because he is quite dirty… As he is very mean and would only get the necessary things. Could be on pizza or kebabs everyday. Even once he got very angry because he forgot his weed at home and couldn’t smoke on his work break and made me bring the weed to him. I was on my way to were we supposed to meet and I had my phone on silence or vibration on my bag so I couldn’t see if someone was calling me. He called me so many times and messaged while I was on the way to bring his weed. Anyway. Going back to the Tinder point. I can see that he didn’t delete it yet, and yes I checked it with my fake account and see that he has been active again. Should I just walk away without saying anything? Should I be with him until he finds someone and dumps me? Should I be with him and pretend nothing happened? I’m 35 and I feel like I need a real man by my side. And after this Tinder events, I cannot tell him everyday about this. And everytime I try to explain my feelings or emotions is like I’m looking for an argument… thanks in advance

OP posts:
CourtenayDevon · 23/01/2024 12:37

I only got as far as the weed smoking.
Fgs, give it up. You're worth more.

MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 12:37

I have no idea why you’re still with him and why you haven’t completely ended it after seeing it the first time. If you have to create a fake profile on a dating app to catch your partner, surely it’s obvious you shouldn’t be with him. Please get some self respect.

northernlight20 · 23/01/2024 12:37

is this real? if it is, then delete, block and get some counselling to work out why you are accepting his treatment of you.

ExtraOnions · 23/01/2024 12:38

What is it about the weed-smoking, lying, cheating, angry, jealous man .. with dubious hygiene, that you find so compelling

Lennon80 · 23/01/2024 12:38

Haven’t read past the top line - dump

BananaSpanner · 23/01/2024 12:38

End the relationship. It’s that simple. You don’t need him to agree to end the relationship or proof you are right. Just end it. Short term pain for long term gain.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 23/01/2024 12:40

'Ex' partner now surely? Ditch and block

crumpet · 23/01/2024 12:43

He’s either an ex partner or you are happy to stay with someone who has been or intends to continue to be unfaithful.

there’s no middle ground to this one

Patchworksack · 23/01/2024 12:44

Jeez, where is your self respect? Dump this sorry excuse for a man immediately.

Strokethefurrywall · 23/01/2024 12:48

More fool you 🙄

SamW98 · 23/01/2024 12:49

You honestly need to ask if it’s ok to dump this time wasting cheating loser? Find your dignity and raise your bar.

I’m 35 and I feel like I need a real man by my side.

As for this bit which stood out to me. Learn to be happily single for a while and not needing any man to validate you.

Caffeinedetox · 23/01/2024 12:55

" Should I be with him until he finds someone and dumps me? Should I be with him and pretend nothing happened?"

I'm sorry but you cannot be serious.

Irakotka · 23/01/2024 12:59

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Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2024 13:00

You are your own worst enemy and the maker of your own misery. Wake up.

MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 13:00

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FOR FUCK SAKE GET SOME SELF RESPECT AND STOP BEING SO NAIVE

Irakotka · 23/01/2024 13:03

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Irakotka · 23/01/2024 13:07

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MariaVT65 · 23/01/2024 13:10

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Being kind and loving to someone who is likely cheating on you on top of a drug habbit and thinking they will change is absolutely naive, yes!! Jesus Christ.

SamW98 · 23/01/2024 13:13

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No it isn’t all you did. You ignored more red flags than a Moscow Mayday Parade.

Why would you kind and loving to a man who treats you like shit and cheats in plain sight?

Jeez raise your bar from the sewer ffs

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 23/01/2024 13:14

"Sometimes I think he will grow up".

Don't date potential. I don't think he has much anyway, he's old enough to be fully cooked by now.

He's a dirty, cheating, lying, weed addict. How is that attractive?

samestyle · 23/01/2024 13:14

Stop waiting for him to change into someone he isn't, he won't happen, I feel sorry for any matches he gets on tinder, what a loser he is. You can only change you and the decisions you make, want a happier life? Don't waste it on him.

blackpanth · 23/01/2024 13:14

LTB

Caffeinedetox · 23/01/2024 13:16

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"Grow up and be the man"?! He's 37, not 17 (although sounds more like 17). Jesus. As other posters have said, have some self respect and ditch this absolute loser manchild.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2024 13:16

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All you've done is wasted four years of your life on an absolute loser. Don't waste another second.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/01/2024 13:18

Loving someone isn't naive, no. Expecting them to change when they have shown no inclination or will to change in 4 years...that's naive. He's a lazy, drug addict, abusive, liar. What else do you need to know?