SO Sorry it's a MIL one

[marshmallowburn]

I really like my MIL. Except she suffers from foot in mouth disease. I'm used to it ( it's been almost 20 years), but I'm cross she has started on my 11yo.
Basically , since I met her she had my FIL greet me with a comment about me. Not just "Hi, how are you?". It's always a comment on your appearance. "I like that top". "That skirt suits you". " That outfit makes you look slimmer". on and on and on. I know they are trying to be nice but I am so over it.
The most common one is "HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?"
Endlessly.
I ignore it as they have many great qualities and genuinely mean well ( my DH thinks that his mum assumes it is a compliment!) After 19 years!!
Anyway, her good points outweigh the bad but last week she said to my 11yo
"Have you lost weight?"
Everyone studiously ignored her.
Now she has rung and asked for said 11yo to stay overnight next weekend and it is the first time I am dubious ( he has before)
Weight is not a conversation to have with an 11yo , let alone by people that are obsessed with it.
She is also adamant that my DC hates going to my parents , because my mum repeats herself as she is 89yo and has lost her short term memory. DC doesn't mind at all and completely understands .Will chatter on the phone to her and repeat responses as needed with a grin to me.
That is my other issue.
Maybe I am being weird, but I want DH ( and possibly I) to have a chat before DC stays over next weekend and explain that we know she means well but she needs to stop mentioning weight and my mum!!!
Gosh , sorry for the essay.

You both need to call her out about her personal comments about weight/your mum's dementia not just ignore them. If she still does it after you've asked her to stop I'd then be asking her about getting her memory tested as well as you notice she's continuing to talk about something you've asked her no to. If she won't stop then I'd be stopping any sleepover contact where she'd be in charge of DCs food intake whilst you're not around.

Late DMIL with a similar foot-in-mouth problem always used to say "you look tired" every time I went round to see her. I probably did - because I was running around doing her shopping/taking her to the hairdressers, working full time, and small nonsleeping DC, and didn't have the time for full makeup when I dropped her shopping off! She set great store by always looking immaculate and had the time to focus on herself. I know what she meant to say was you take on too much and need a break, but she went about it the wrong way and just ground my gears every time. So when I set up her online shopping delivery to save time she then complained she didnt see us as much! I do miss her though.

Why do you think she means well?. Because she is nice to you sometimes; that is called the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Because your DH thinks it as a compliment?. He has had a lifetime of conditioning at his parents hands so thinks this sort of crap his mother pulls is normal; it is not. Would you tolerate this from a friend?. No and your MIL is no different.

For some people, being thin has become synonymous with feminine beauty and being fat synonymous with being unappealing and unattractive. Feminine thinness is seen as the height of desirability, being fat is seen as disgusting and the least desirable physical attribute a woman can have. Narcissistic men and women who subscribe to this particular status hierarchy are likely to become hyper aware of the relative fatness or thinness of every female they see. She sees you as low status so criticises. She is also jealous of the relationship your child has with her nan as well as your own with your mother.

She really has no filter and I doubt too that talking to her will get you anywhere. You certainly won't get an apology nor accept any responsibility for her actions. Your FIL along with him have enabled this behaviour from her and have never called her out on it. They are both likely to be afraid of her deep down.

She does not mean well at all, its a long term dig and now she has started on your child. Protect your child here from her; if she cannot behave civilly then do not see her. Why is she wanting your child to go there overnight too?. Do not send her!. Find your backbone here.

Thanks for replies. My 11yo is actually a boy, so I find it even weirder. Old school thoughts that women should be thin I have ignored about me, but to start on an 11yo boy just seems so odd. She definitely has no filter. My DH says to ignore her. I don't particularly want my DS to go to visit overnight, but he wants to and I can't think of a good reason to say no. I have spoken to my DH though and he is going to talk to her when he drops DS off. I'm not going as I will get upset if I try to explain to her and that won't help!. DH is able to speak calmly. He completely agrees she is wrong but just thinks "that's her - she isn't going to change now". Which is very true. She's almost 80 herself, so it won't be long until she may be regretting mocking my lovely mum.

last week she said to my 11yo
"Have you lost weight?"
Everyone studiously ignored her.
Why did you ignore her? How did you even bite your tongue?
My ex-FIL size-shamed our French exchange student and I immediately told him not to listen to the comment as it was stupid. I was normally a grey mouse with my inlaws, but I couln't keep my mouth shut about that one.

Your DH is going about this all wrong but that is also because he's had a lifetime of conditioning from his parents to believe all this is "normal" when it is not. He is a boat steadier. He seems afraid of his mother (this is what this ignore her comment is about) and is also in a FOG state (fear, obligation and guilt) when it comes to her as are you. He needs to talk to his mother before he drops his son off there, not at drop off.

He is right in that she will not change but you two can and should change how you react to her. Right now, she has the pair of you exactly where she wants you.

She could go on for some years yet or perhaps decline far sooner; who knows. You do not have to see her if she cannot and will not behave civilly towards you.
You have a spine; find it!!!. Your boundaries re her have been too low and she's taken advantage of your what she sees as weakness. And again I ask you would you tolerate this from a friend?. Likely not and you should not tolerate this from her either.

Why does your son want to go there overnight when he has seemingly not asked about this before?. Is it because he can do what he likes there and she will let him stay up really late?. Will your son turn around and say ignore her as well?. The truism applies that if a parent or relative is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for the child too.

since I met her she had my FIL greet me with a comment about me.

She insists he does this? Isn't this down to him too?

You speak to her and make sure DH is on the same page and supportive. “MIL, I need to ask you to stop mentioning weight to DS. He’s at an age where things like this can have a real impact and body image issues are really prevalent amongst young people. He is healthy. You might not agree with us but we are his parents. If you don’t stop we will not support overnight visits without our supervision.”

No your right they both do it. He is more of the "that's a nice outfit" type comment though. Or" you should wear that top again - looks great". She is the "have you lost weight?". I just feel like the minute I walk in the door I am being assessed! SO weird. They truly are lovely most of the time. FIl will glare at her if she gets way out of hand ( she did this recently with my much much older DS who has a new gf. She is 12 yo older than him and keen for a baby. MIL said "she just wants a baby and would have gone with anyone".) FIL told her that was rude. Never met anyone with a good heart but such a terrible way of talking to people.
DH is off tomorrow to drop off DS and is going to mention the weight thing is not to be mentioned ( he is a tad podgy, it's very common in 11yo boys). And also not to mention my parents in a negative way. Hopefully that will do the trick or it will be his last unsupervised visit with them .Which would be a shame for them and DS.
Main reason I am worried is that his much older brothers are very slim and always have been, but I just told him he was built differently and it would all even out when he had a growth spurt, but try to be active and eat healthily.
All of a sudden he started weighing himself, doing starjumps and today asked for a salad sandwich for lunch!!!! All good. As long as it comes from him.
Now that I think about it, it did start after her comment.
I really just hoped he hadn't heard it and started loudly talking over her.
I may have fucked up.
Mother guilt - it never ends!

Other than making weight-related comments to an 11yr old which I agree is bang out of order, I'm struggling to see the issue. Since when is complimenting someone an issue? My god. They're trying to make you smile!

Some people really refuse to be happy with anything, I swear

I would say that you need to very much not ignore it. You need to show your DC how to deal with it when someone says that to them.

My ex in laws also had no filter and I decided that removing mine was the only way forward so in your situation when they'd commented on your DC weight, I might have said,

June, we know that someones appearance is the least interesting thing about them and other peoples' bodies are not up for comment. Our bodies aren't here to be judged on their size. Thanks.

And carry on with what you were doing. No they won't like it, but you aren't put on this earth as a woman to be a slim neat obedient quiet nice wife. Your job is to show your DC how to nagivate their way through.

marshmallowburn

re your comment:
"DH is off tomorrow to drop off DS and is going to mention the weight thing is not to be mentioned ( he is a tad podgy, it's very common in 11yo boys). And also not to mention my parents in a negative way. Hopefully that will do the trick or it will be his last unsupervised visit with them .Which would be a shame for them and DS".

Its a mistake to send him frankly. Is your Hactually going to say anything to her though?. I guess you're not going with them so how do you explain that to your son?. The problem here is that your H is afraid of her too and is not wanting to "upset" her in any way. MIL and her enabler H do not care for you being upset because in her head only her opinion matters.

All of a sudden he started weighing himself, doing starjumps and today asked for a salad sandwich for lunch!!!! All good. As long as it comes from him.

No, not all good, even if it comes from him.
And it doesn't, does it? His weight has been commented on.

Keep him away from these GPs until you can work out how to deal with the worries your son now has over his weight. He's only eleven!!

My mum is the opposite in terms of what she says: never a compliment, never a comment about my clothing suiting me, etc. Never says “I love you”.

She is also totally anti fat people. In her eyes being fat is about the worst thing you can be. People can smoke, get lung cancer, but only be criticised for being fat. But never to their faces, as she can’t handle confrontation.

I've no solutions - just empathy!

As I said. I do like them , and I am happy but over a decade of being greeted with "Have you lost weight? "it does get a bit tedious to say the least. She's heavy herself, but I never comment on her weight. I also don't comment on FIL's clothes, except maybe to say occasionally "you are looking well today". But she can't seem to stop herself. She also went on and on about 11yo's hair not being shiny , at a family gathering, everyone around the table. "What do you wash your hair with?" It's not shiny. I bet your using shower gel instead of proper shampoo. Finally DH stepped in as he could see I was going to go bananas and told her that lots of young boys wash their hair quickly in the shower with whatever they grab. It's short, as long as it's clean, it's not a big deal. ( His hair and scalp are perfect by the way, he just has standard mid- brown hair. No, it doesn't glow like blonde or black or red might).
He is being dropped off now, but I have a feeling this is a last sleepover. He is getting a bit too old anyway, and they definitely are, as sadly both are not in the best of health.
Ta for all responses.
I will be more forthright in future with any further comments.

I would not be ok with weight comments, and I would say to my mil I don’t think he can stay, you see I won’t have anyone making comments about weight around him. It’s a sensitive age and I’m not going to let that attitude anywhere hear him. Can you not mention his weight at all? If not, he stays here.

Thank goodness - someone with a bit of common sense!!

I seriously worry about the future of the human race, so much offends people these days, it's wearying. (Having said that, I rarely encounter people like this in real life, only on MN).

You may be right. I don't know. But my DH wimped out of speaking to his mother. I've just had to do it and she doesn't think she has done anything wrong. I've said heaps of times she is a nice person and means well, but can you honestly tell me if someone greeted you with "have you lost weight?" for over a decade you wouldn't find it irritating. And then started on your 11yo.
Your lying/

And I didn't get offended for over a decade. I thought it was just weird. She started on my son though. That doesn't go well with me.

marshmallowburn

re this part of your recent comment:
"But my DH wimped out of speaking to his mother. I've just had to do it and she doesn't think she has done anything wrong".

I knew he would because he is afraid of her; he is mired is FOG as are you. Her behaviour has been more than just weird as well, its been deliberately unkind. Also unsurprisingly she has not apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. She has behaved poorly towards you for a decade and now she's started on your son. That was inevitable as well. You're all ultimately going to have to cease all contact with them. And it would do your own self a favour to now think she is actually not a nice person and means active harm. To people like his mother you've been a walkover because you've not come across people this disordered of thinking or emotionally unsafe to be around before now. Your own family members do not behave like this for instance.

You will only fuck up if you cannot now find it within yourself to protect your child from such malign influences like your H's parents. He was not able to speak to his mother today due to his own conditioning at her hands about this so you had to do so. I would think you think less of him as a result. They have also done you emotional harm by banging on about your weight or some aspect of your appearance. This is enough to pull anyone down, let alone your impressionable 11 year old.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
To describe an elderly woman's (I think the OP said her MIL was eighty) intended compliments about appearance and weight, as malign, is so unkind.
She may well have not thought through how they might be received. A classic case of unfiltered comments when someone gets older.
I am afraid I think your comments @AttilaTheMeerkat are unnecessarily unkind and harsh. The OP sounds kind and I am sure she will not follow your advice and cast out her in laws.
Try not to be so fixed in your opinions that you ignore the need for charity and kindness in your dealings with others.

Not all relatives are nice and kind. She’s always been this way too ?. Why do you think her husband wimped out when he was due to speak to his mother re this matter?

Have you actually read op’s initial post at all let alone any of the responses?. Not to mention she has now made comments re her grandsons weight. Would you want similar to be said to you?. Would you tolerate this from a friend?.

My grandmother used to do this all of the time. Drove my mother mad.
Like you she kept her mouth shut until she started on my little sister.
My sister had some puppy fat and it was a constant subject.
My father (her son) addressed it with her. She was so mad and thought we were all being very sensitive, but she never brought it up again!

@Adifferentwayoflooking I think the problem is that in real life it’s not as black and white as @AttilaTheMeerkat paints it out to be. The FOG and cutting contact is all fine on paper, but in reality that’s really very difficult to achieve and justify. The OP herself admitted that for the most part MiL is nice, I know @AttilaTheMeerkat has dissected that, so cutting contact over what on the face of it are some poorly thought out comments is extreme. The world is full of greys….. we all need to compromise. OP, you probably do need to call her out on her inappropriate comments, every, single, time.
You never know, if you embarrass her enough( politely!) she might learn

Types like OPs mil though never learn and they do not embarrass easily. She’s likely behaved similarly her entire life. Compromise as well does not feature in such a persons agenda either. How can a person who always comments on another persons weight and for a decade as well be at all described as nice?. Such comments are never nice and furthermore this woman has now started on OPs son.