SO Sorry it's a MIL one

[marshmallowburn]

I really like my MIL. Except she suffers from foot in mouth disease. I'm used to it ( it's been almost 20 years), but I'm cross she has started on my 11yo.
Basically , since I met her she had my FIL greet me with a comment about me. Not just "Hi, how are you?". It's always a comment on your appearance. "I like that top". "That skirt suits you". " That outfit makes you look slimmer". on and on and on. I know they are trying to be nice but I am so over it.
The most common one is "HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?"
Endlessly.
I ignore it as they have many great qualities and genuinely mean well ( my DH thinks that his mum assumes it is a compliment!) After 19 years!!
Anyway, her good points outweigh the bad but last week she said to my 11yo
"Have you lost weight?"
Everyone studiously ignored her.
Now she has rung and asked for said 11yo to stay overnight next weekend and it is the first time I am dubious ( he has before)
Weight is not a conversation to have with an 11yo , let alone by people that are obsessed with it.
She is also adamant that my DC hates going to my parents , because my mum repeats herself as she is 89yo and has lost her short term memory. DC doesn't mind at all and completely understands .Will chatter on the phone to her and repeat responses as needed with a grin to me.
That is my other issue.
Maybe I am being weird, but I want DH ( and possibly I) to have a chat before DC stays over next weekend and explain that we know she means well but she needs to stop mentioning weight and my mum!!!
Gosh , sorry for the essay.

With respect @AttilaTheMeerkat I have never seen you acknowledge that most relatives are kind and well meaning. You always put such emphasis on FOG. I don't think I have ever read many of your posts that don't explain FOG. However, most of the rest of us might explain it by LOG. Love, Obligation and Guilt. Most people love their parents. It is hard when they become very old and clumsy with choosing words. Most of us do rightly feel a sense of obligation and a sense of guilt if we can't do much to help. However, most of us are guided by a very real love for the people who nurtured us and loved us.
I had a friend whose Mum was notoriously tactless in the way she spoke to people. My friend was distraught when she died. She loved her mother, in spite of her very human failings.

Being podgy is not common in 11 yo boys.

All I’ve said is that not all relatives are kind and loving. Many, but not all, people come from emotionally healthy families where this type of awful behaviour is thankfully unknown.

OPs husband no doubt loves his parents but their actions towards him and now his own family unit are not loving ones are they?. You have to admit that much surely?. This is not someone just being old and clumsy with choosing words, she has acted like this towards the op and now her son for a decade. Would you tolerate this from a friend?. No you would not. Trying to minimise and otherwise excuse such poor behaviour from someone who is truly old enough to know better also minimises the OPs own experience.

I don't agree with you at all@AttilaTheMeerkat . I think you are very harsh. People often say things that are well meaning but clumsy. Most of us know when someone is really trying to give offence. I don't suppose offence was intended here. Most people grow up in loving, well meaning households. I don't know anyone who has cut out parents or grandparents for clumsy compliments. The constant explanation from you each time that a poster is suffering from FOG and that they are delusional thinking they have loving parents, is wearing.
I notice your posts because of your user name and when you, yet again, start hectoring about FOG, I substitute LOG in my mind.
Most people are kind and loving and I refuse to start treating clumsy well intentioned comments from old people as having an evil intent.

Why don’t you think that offence was intended here?

And where does love fit in with obligation and guilt? It does not. Love is absolutely not about feeling obligated or feeling guilty towards a parent or another.

You minimised the OPs experience of her own treatment at the hands of mother in law by going after me unnecessarily. Would you tolerate this behaviour of the OPs mother in law?.

OP - you seem to blowing it all out if proportion. Seriously - if the main issue with them that they complimented your top over the years - it’s, well, a non-issue.

She didn’t start up with your son. Maybe he did look thinner (or different somehow) to her. When people don’t live with kids - they see differences in their appearance that parents don’t notice.

Whatever your 11yo doing - eating or otherwise - it’s highly unlikely to be due to grandparents influence. More likely it’s friends, social media, sporting celebrities.
You seem to be so prejudiced against this grandmother as to prevent your son from spending time with her. This is very strange and borderline controlling.

After all - she raised your H. And your son likes her. She is not a danger you are making her out to be. And if my H decided to ‘forbid’ my mother from time with my kids - because in his opinion she said something mildly questionable - i’d not think it was OK.

Please do not interrogate your son when he comes back from grandparents. It’s good for kids to have extended families and their own relationships with relatives - not all entirely supervised snd controlled by parents. Of course - if he comes back unhappy - it’s a different story.

I think you are very wrong about Love @AttilaTheMeerkat . It is so often connected with obligation and guilt. Most parents still do their best for rude, truculent teenagers out of a sense of obligation and also guilt but most of all because they love them. Ditto tactless old grandparents who may drive youngsters up the wall but they still love them. take a look at the Cockroach Cafe and the threads in the Caring for Elderly relatives.
I agree with @Pinkpinkplonk up thread,
I think the problem is that in real life it’s not as black and white as@AttilaTheMeerkatpaints it out to be. The FOG and cutting contact is all fine on paper, but in reality that’s really very difficult to achieve and justify. The OP herself admitted that for the most part MiL is nice.
**

I think some PPs are blowing it out of proportion OP. Calling your Mil an abuser and your DH an enabler is ridiculous. Yes she’s spoken out of turn about your own Mum which can only be resolved by talking to her I think if you feel that strongly about what she has said. I’d roll my eyes to DS if she said anything like the weight thing again as you mentioned you do with him when your Mum has her memory lapses.
My late Grandmother was very much of the ‘thin is beautiful’ brigade. She once made a comment to me (size 12 at the time) ‘well you obviously prefer the chubby look.’
I was not offended - she was an outspoken old lady - my DD and I laughed at the time and still reminisce fondly of her foot in mouth moments.
It only becomes a problem if you let it.

Well, after all that, DH had to go and pick him up at midnight as he rang as he was feeling unwell, thought he was going to vomit. Was whispering as he didn't want to wake them up. We ended up ringing them to wake them up. Weirdly this is the 3rd time he has had an upset tummy at their place. I'm wondering if it's nervousness.
Anyway, I've told her to not comment on his weight ( yes when I said common for 11yo boys, I meant he is due a growth spurt and is carrying a bit of extra weight - I know it's not ideal). I won't mention it again and I have no intention of stopping him seeing them. They are on the whole lovely grandparents.
As a pp said one of my Grandmas's was a shocker for her "bluntness" and I still laugh about some of the things she said, there was a lot of eye-rolling amongst the family.
I just think that 11yo is not a good age for your Grandma to start talking about your weight. I know he needs to lose a bit, so does he. My aim is to try to keep his weight stable so as he grows he naturally slims down. I just don't want it to be a BIG THING, and I know , from experience, that once she gets a thought in her head she goes on and on about it, so hopefully have nipped it in the bud .
Thanks again for all comments.

if MIL and FIL make comments about your weight, dont you think your children hear that and subconsciously learn that weight matters. You have to talk to them and tell them how you feel. I’m sure they’ll understand. Stop being so polite.

just Want to say sorry to hear the MIL.

got you that overall she is good but nevertheless there are things you disagree on

i usually distance myself to the situation , which sometimes is quite powerful to mean I am not happy with certain things.