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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL said something odd

45 replies

ChattyCathyChatsToYou · 23/01/2024 01:09

I'm one of the few who actually really likes my MIL. Known her for years, get on fine. Understand she had some difficult times when DH was growing up, and whilst he's not the easiest, there is a complete lack of accountability in her household that I find hard, but tend to think of it as not my business. When DH and his brother are rude to her, I call them on it, but that's about it.

Anyway, she said something really messed up to me over the holidays. She was talking about her friend and said "she's the first person who ever explained to me the concept that you can love your kid, but really, really dislike them as a person. It was life-changing, and absolutely freeing for me" and then held my gaze for ages. She was definitely talking about my DH.

He's not a bad person, but definitely has some issues that have gotten much worse in recent years, and has far worse mental health than I realized when I married him. The thing is, whenever he's fucked up, she completely enables him (its not your fault, you're doing the best you can, wifey needs to be more grateful for what you do etc). The time he put us in danger, she empathized with me, but basically recommended I get therapy (which, fyi, really helped her friend because her therapist told her to just stop being a bitch all the time!!!!!!!).

What am I meant to do with this info? I'm super uncomfortable and don't know if she wants me to talk about it with her or was it just an FYI kind of thing. Help. I have to see her next week.

OP posts:
TomeTome · 23/01/2024 01:31

She’s telling you she sees who he is but loves him anyway. She’s his mum, that’s fairly common surely?

CharlotteMakepeace · 23/01/2024 01:37

I'm very close with my cousins and one has a daughter who I love and have loved since she was born.

As an adult she is awful. Five minutes in her company and everyone wants to throttle her.

I don't like her but I love her.

BippityBobbityBoo · 23/01/2024 01:47

I kind of agree with the above, we all understand unconditional love BUT I’d give her a wide berth to be honest. There’s no need for the behind his back stuff then golden childing him to his face when he’s having an episode or whatever it is he does to you. She’s likely why he has these issues.

FionaPaloma · 23/01/2024 02:04

The first answer nails it.

Original poster
ChattyCathyChatsToYou · 23/01/2024 02:10

TomeTome · 23/01/2024 01:31

She’s telling you she sees who he is but loves him anyway. She’s his mum, that’s fairly common surely?

This is a really helpful comment, seeing it from her perspective. I might be overthinking it, it just seemed like she had some expectation of me in the moment, and I'm nervous to see her again. Especially as she's always the one minimizing his behavior and enabling him. Can't figure out if she's suggesting I do the same, or if she's grateful I call him out when he behaves badly to her and wants me to continue.

I absolutely love my kid unconditionally, but I don't expect everyone they meet will.

OP posts:
betterangels · 23/01/2024 02:11

Her feelings are her feelings, she's entitled to them. They're also not all that uncommon, I wouldn't think. What do you think you need to do? She loves him and says it. Don’t make a thing out of this.

Original poster
ChattyCathyChatsToYou · 23/01/2024 02:14

BippityBobbityBoo · 23/01/2024 01:47

I kind of agree with the above, we all understand unconditional love BUT I’d give her a wide berth to be honest. There’s no need for the behind his back stuff then golden childing him to his face when he’s having an episode or whatever it is he does to you. She’s likely why he has these issues.

Absolutely. I think you've pinpointed why I'm so uncomfortable with it- the behind his back stuff vs pretending he's just doing his best and the world is wrong, not him

OP posts:
FionaPaloma · 23/01/2024 02:34

She’s given her opinion but she also seems too invested in your marriage and too able to comment on how her son fares in life. Everyone needs to move on here. His wife should be his focus now, not his mother.
FYI I am a MiL.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/01/2024 03:32

It sounds as though he's a very difficult man to be married to. Are you happy with him?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 23/01/2024 04:38

Well, she's quite right. It is possible to love people and at the same time dislike them - even your own children. It would be different if she admitted to not loving your DH.

You are overthinking this, just move on.

penjil · 23/01/2024 04:56

Her friend was right. Your DMIL could see that too.

And I absolutely understand what her friend was saying.

Makes 100% perfect sense and applies to a lot of people, especially those closest to us.

She feels close enough to share that with you, and probably because you also know what a pain your DH can be.

Galectable · 23/01/2024 05:17

I think you should focus on your DH's mental health which you say is deteriorating. You need to set some boundaries around that and get support for yourself. Your MIL sounds a bit challenging but you can put some space between you esp if she has a negative influence on your DH.

RunningAwayToJoinTheCircus · 23/01/2024 05:21

Just a thought - could there be more to this than you know?
You say your dh and his brother are rude to her, how did they treat her when they were younger? How did their father treat her? Could she be minimising, first to get him "off her hands" and away living with you, and now to deflect his anger/other behaviours away from herself?
She might be scared that if you split, he would come back to hers.
Maybe she's trying to warn you somehow, thinking you'll know what she is trying to impart, but you don't, so you're left confused.

quisensoucie · 23/01/2024 07:38

ChattyCathyChatsToYou · 23/01/2024 01:09

I'm one of the few who actually really likes my MIL. Known her for years, get on fine. Understand she had some difficult times when DH was growing up, and whilst he's not the easiest, there is a complete lack of accountability in her household that I find hard, but tend to think of it as not my business. When DH and his brother are rude to her, I call them on it, but that's about it.

Anyway, she said something really messed up to me over the holidays. She was talking about her friend and said "she's the first person who ever explained to me the concept that you can love your kid, but really, really dislike them as a person. It was life-changing, and absolutely freeing for me" and then held my gaze for ages. She was definitely talking about my DH.

He's not a bad person, but definitely has some issues that have gotten much worse in recent years, and has far worse mental health than I realized when I married him. The thing is, whenever he's fucked up, she completely enables him (its not your fault, you're doing the best you can, wifey needs to be more grateful for what you do etc). The time he put us in danger, she empathized with me, but basically recommended I get therapy (which, fyi, really helped her friend because her therapist told her to just stop being a bitch all the time!!!!!!!).

What am I meant to do with this info? I'm super uncomfortable and don't know if she wants me to talk about it with her or was it just an FYI kind of thing. Help. I have to see her next week.

'...the time he put us in danger...'
Why are you still with him?

Passingthethyme · 23/01/2024 07:41

Maybe she's not so subtly telling you that she sees him for what he is and you have her support

RowanMayfair · 23/01/2024 07:41

The bigger question is why are YOU enabling what sounds like a lot of bad behaviour in your DH?

Maddy70 · 23/01/2024 08:04

Shes seen you struggling with him. She has empathised with you and let you know some advice she was given that helped her cope amd recognition of your struggle with a man you both love

Shes being nice! Some of the comments here stagger me

Capmagturk · 23/01/2024 08:06

She's not wrong, I also love my 19 year old unconditionally but really don't like the way she acts and the person she is right now.

TheOriginalFrench · 23/01/2024 08:10

She was saying that if you ever felt the time had come to leave your husband, she would understand - even though as his mother she loves him.

pickledandpuzzled · 23/01/2024 08:12

The strategy she uses with him may be the only strategy she has.

You can leave him, she wouldn’t have been able to when he was a teen. Imagine him behaving badly to her, bigger and stronger than her, she can’t leave or kick him out. Appeasement may be the only survival strategy she has.

I’m shocked you need to tell him not to be rude to his mother. Shocked you refer casually to the time he put you all in danger.

She may be offering you support or warning you.

What she said isn’t awful given what you’ve said he’s like.

Honeychickpea · 23/01/2024 08:13

BippityBobbityBoo · 23/01/2024 01:47

I kind of agree with the above, we all understand unconditional love BUT I’d give her a wide berth to be honest. There’s no need for the behind his back stuff then golden childing him to his face when he’s having an episode or whatever it is he does to you. She’s likely why he has these issues.

No, she's not likely why he has these issues. He likely has these issues because that is who he is, and who he chooses to remain.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 23/01/2024 08:17

It sounds like your husband is a pain in the ass and she knows it. She loves him because he is her son but she doesn’t like him
and you know what? That is perfectly ok. She sounds like she is right, actually. Her way of dealing with him sounds like it’s the only method she has to keep the peace, prevent him from lashing out at her or “putting her in danger.” She placates. That’s fine if she doesn’t have it in her to confront him and wants to keep him in her life.

You picked him. He was your choice. You can leave him. But she didn’t pick him, and she loves him anyway but doesn’t like the way he behaves and she has done nothing wrong.

IhaveanewTVnow · 23/01/2024 08:21

Sounds to me that she is in your side. She sees her son for what he is - not very nice. She supports you in any decisions you make.

I would question why an adult man is rude to his mother. Teenagers often are but by mid 20s they have stopped. Does he speak to you the same?

I would be thinking why am I with a man that speaks badly to his mother and has put you in danger. You can leave him,

theduchessofspork · 23/01/2024 08:26

It’s just an FYI.

However when she’s facilitating him, I’d say it gives you license to tell her to cut it out.

Are you happy in this marriage OP? - it sounds like that’s more the issue than you MIL.

MMmomDD · 23/01/2024 08:43

OP - you are massively overthinking.
She didn’t say it for you to do X or Y. She was reflecting and sharing about herself. Her feelings about her son. And it can’t be easy for her. I am sure - the way she is - is the only way she can deal with it.
She is the parent. Loving but not liking him os her only choice really.

You, however - have a choice. Staying with someone who endangers you and your kid is a far worse choice than her telling him he is doing best he can…