MIL said something odd

[ChattyCathyChatsToYou]

I'm one of the few who actually really likes my MIL. Known her for years, get on fine. Understand she had some difficult times when DH was growing up, and whilst he's not the easiest, there is a complete lack of accountability in her household that I find hard, but tend to think of it as not my business. When DH and his brother are rude to her, I call them on it, but that's about it.

Anyway, she said something really messed up to me over the holidays. She was talking about her friend and said "she's the first person who ever explained to me the concept that you can love your kid, but really, really dislike them as a person. It was life-changing, and absolutely freeing for me" and then held my gaze for ages. She was definitely talking about my DH.

He's not a bad person, but definitely has some issues that have gotten much worse in recent years, and has far worse mental health than I realized when I married him. The thing is, whenever he's fucked up, she completely enables him (its not your fault, you're doing the best you can, wifey needs to be more grateful for what you do etc). The time he put us in danger, she empathized with me, but basically recommended I get therapy (which, fyi, really helped her friend because her therapist told her to just stop being a bitch all the time!!!!!!!).

What am I meant to do with this info? I'm super uncomfortable and don't know if she wants me to talk about it with her or was it just an FYI kind of thing. Help. I have to see her next week.

Do you think she's wondering why you are with him when he has put you at risk?

That would be the end for a lot of couples.

OP - you are massively overthinking.
She didn’t say it for you to do X or Y. She was reflecting and sharing about herself.

Y’know … There’s a bit more to human communication than that.

This is my take, too. I love my DH with all my heart, but if he chose to put me and/or a child in danger, that would be the end. Maybe she’s telling you that you don’t have to stay with him even if you love him, because to most people it would look pretty incomprehensible if you stayed after something like that.

She's supporting you. She's telling you that she understands who he is. She's letting you know that it's okay to come to her if you need to. That she understands that you love him, as she does, but it's okay for you to be unhappy with who he is and how he treats you.

As for how she manages him... it's probably all she has. She probably tried other ways when he was younger, but recognises that he's a grown man and she's now physically vulnerable.

To be honest, I'd be making an OP asking advice about him, not his mum.

Maybe she's scared of him? A grown man throwing his weight around 🤢 and feels she has to placate him.

@Honeychickpea He’s choosing poor mental health?

Hmm. To me it adds up to telling you that she loves him despite everything, and you should do the same. She sees her unconditional support as expression of love. I would be wary. You obviously know this, but you do not owe him unconditional support, and you do not have to keep loving him no matter what.

You don't need to have any discussion you don't want to op.

I get it.

I have 5 kids, 4 who are now adults and one who is 15. I adore them, love them unconditionally, support them unwaveringly and I honestly say that they are my favourite people in the world.

There have been times with each of them (mainly during their teen years) that I didn't like their behaviour very much, and as a result didn't really like the people they were turning into. This is no way impacted my love for them, I would still jump in front of a bus for any of my children.

Thankfully this passed and I am so proud of the adults they have grown into it.

You can absolutely love your children without liking who they are in that moment.

You're focusing on the wrong person.

We all get that part, @lugeanjaam. But what the OP is puzzling over is why her MIL chose to share this observation with her, now.

As she put it in her OP What am I meant to do with this info?

That’s the question.

I suppose the enabling and being understanding with him comes from the mum part of her who loves him unconditionally and doesn't want him to suffer. The comment comes from the more clear-eyed side of her who sees who he is (beyond being her offspring) and doesn't like him. Perhaps she's letting you know that she'd understand if you'd had enough of him and wouldn't judge you for not putting up with him any more.

I understand why you’re confused. I can see three options for why she said what she said:

• she’s just offloading on you
• she thinks you should love him unconditionally too
• she’s clumsily trying to let you know that while she has to continue loving him, you don’t. She sees what he’s like and wouldn’t blame you for leaving him.

It’s an odd thing to say without any further conversation imo. Are you happy OP?

Urgh I can feel the passive aggressiveness ooze through your response.

I never understand comments like this. Only designed to make someone feel publicly stupid.

So unnecessary.

She's telling you that he isn't a good person. I wonder if what you're seeing as enabling is just her supporting him because that's what mothers do.* *But look at yourself too, aren't you also "enabling" him by continuing a relationship with him? Even though he puts you, and I presume your children, in danger. Or do you see it as you working through things out of love? I don't think you have to do anything about what your MIL said. It's common knowledge that the love a mother has for her children is supposed to be unconditional. It doesn't mean they have to like them.

Hi OP. I have a difficult relationship with my DS. I still love him though despite all the shit he has put me and DH through. So I get that bit and I know how difficult it is working with a relative with poor mental health. MIL does however need to think really carefully about how she handles her son's MH. Blaming you to him certainly will not help at all. I found it helpful to get some help from a relevant charity on how to handle and work with certain mental health conditions. Wording and de-escalating can be important in managing mental health conditions. Also ensuring that the medication mix is right. Assume he has accessed the right medical support?

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing -- why are you with someone who has endangered you, sounds generally very difficult, and whose MH is bad and deteriorating?

I imagine your MIL was telling you that while she doesn't like your DH, her son, she's stuck with the unconditional love bit as his parent. You, on the other hand, aren't. You can leave. Your marriage doesn't have to be lifelong like a mother-child relationship.

I would also take this as her saying... I understand that he's awful.

Sounds like it was her way of telling you that she knows her DS has a lot of flaws. She might be hoping you'll open up to her about all the stuff he puts you through so you can have a joint moan about him.
Or she's hoping you'll see the light and leave the relationship in the hope she then gets him back all to herself - part of why there is an odd dynamic and why your DH has MH issues maybe?

He sounds like my ex and you sound like the old me. Took me 14 years to realize poor mental health is no excuse for such awful behavior and a couple of years of him living with his mum soon brought her round to my way of thinking. I've cut his dad off as he prioritizes him over his grandchildren. His mum sticks by him because of the reason you say but no longer enables his shit behavior. If that changes I'll cut her off too. Protect yourself and your kids, there's no excuse for risking your lives