Name calling

[maivocsa23]

How do you all feel about name calling? Does it bother you when things are said out of anger?

Me and my other half have a 10 month daughter together, I have a dog which has been with me before my other half and of course my dog is with me now.
I understand we will both have different viewpoints.

I have had my dog for 8 years been with my other half over two years, my dog is very well trained, we was in the pub the other day having lunch, my dog was laying down quietly under the table, I said to my other half that he is tied underneath the table.

My other half then came out with you shouldn't tie your dog to a table, I responded with 'his alright he is just laying there' (which I understand what he means as some dogs can react and pull where potentially can cause chaos, ) then that seemed to trigger him saying how I never listen to him I always undermine him, I tried to explain we are not always going to agree and that's fine.

My other other then just went on and on how I disrespect him, went out for a cigarette and came back in, then my dog was near his side, and he just shouted 'move your dog' I responded with talk to me with respect and then he swore and said move your f** dog and then said scumbag, I said 'what did you say' he was like don't talk to me I'm trying to enjoy my good and I meant your dog scumbag not the owner (me) a scumbag. This was all because I politely said my dog was fine underneath.

We then left and walked down the road, then he started shouting at me in public how I am embarrassing and how I shouldnt take up the pavement with me and my dog and how I should keep to the left either in front or behind, talking to me like I am 5!

He gets on with my dog fine usually, so I don't know what was bothering him so much, this is a guy who tells me how I should consider his and other people's feelings, yet he will just piss anywhere he gets a chance because apparently he can't hold his bladder that long and can't wait 5 mins just to go to the toilet in a pub:public toilet, so he will just pee in public down side of road.

Sorry OP but I wouldn't think that this was a good relationship for you to be in. He sounds like he's behaving very horribly to you and to your dog, completely unprovoked (not that provocation would excuse!) and peeing in the street is vile. I would dump and run.

I tried talking to him about it and he still sees no wrong with how he treated me , I get sometimes we can be petty when it comes to disagreements, arguements but there was no need for him to act the way he did, he still thinks I'm the one in the wrong and how I did not acknowledge his concerns, he didn't tell me at the time he was concerned it just felt he was trying to make a big deal out of nothing,

We argued recently about about a previous argument which should of been resolved and then he just Kept calling me a liar and a scumbag then, when I have always been honest, I've currently asked for a break which is hard whilst having a baby, but he just says I never want to work on things I never try, but he needs to understand it's how he treats me x

I think the time for arguing is past. He isn't going to change, he doesn't respect you and isn't nice to you, I think for your happiness you really need to move on from him if you can.

You and he should not be together at all now. He does not like your dog nor you. He has no respect for himself let alone you either.

What is the situation here re the finances and property?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He calls you a scumbag? That's really nasty and I'd have left the first time it happened. Throw this one back OP, he's sounds awful

Throw this one back OP, he's sounds awful

She can't exactly 'throw him back'. Unfortunately they share a 10 month old baby who will grow up hearing her father calling her mother a scumbag. Unless the op decides that finally enough is enough and separates.

She most certainly can, just because they have a child together doesn't mean they have to stay together!

A prerequisite for a BF is for them to respect and like my dog. If that doesn't happen, I go off them pretty sharpish. Says all you need, your incompatible and had a baby with him before you really knew him. No need to prolong the error, you should make this break permanent, name-calling is a big red flag. Arguing about a prior argument just shows how poles apart you are.

Name calling is vile. it shows a lack of respect. His name calling, and public shouting at you, is worrying. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. I can't imagine what danage it could do to your child if they grow up hearing dad speaking so disrespectfully to mum.

I've been with my DH for 11 years, have a 2 year old and dogs, and we have never ever called each other names. I personally think it's a certain type of person that will purposely try and hurt others in this way during quite innocuous conflict and it isn't someone I would ever give the time of day to, let alone have a relationship with, it isn't normal OP, he is 100% out of line, and I'd be reconsidering this relationship altogether.

BUT:
My other half then came out with you shouldn't tie your dog to a table, I responded with 'his alright he is just laying there' (which I understand what he means as some dogs can react and pull where potentially can cause chaos,

How did this argument escalate? I would want to get to the bottom of this in a calm way afterwards, because it's really quite normal to tie a dog to a table in a pub, so why did he have such an issue with it, surely you've done it before? What did he want to do instead? If he's saying you undermine him all the time and you don't listen then you need to hash out what he wanted to be end result of that conversation to see if there's some truth in that or he was just looking for an argument.

Is the dog a touchy subject for him?

Can I ask why you decided to have a baby with this man? Because I assume this isn't the first time he has been nasty and abusive???

Regards to property, we do not currently live together, he has to work during the week so is away and living about an hour or so away, we did try and find a place prior to our daughter being born but it didn't work out that way, so this was the year to move out together. Regards to finances, he does not give me physical money for her but when we see each other on weekends then whatever she needs he will buy and will buy meals out and food for us etc. x

I should taken one advice as I wouldn't be told to put up with his behaviour and I would not want my daughter thinking it's ok to be treat led that way either, so it's a concern as she picks up on so much now so it is a worry she can feed of our atmosphere and anger x

I don't want her growing up thinking that's ok, I have definitely had enough, just needed some support to double check I'm not the one overacting and it is him x

I totally agree, we did have a baby early in our relationship and we have tried to make it work and so far it has not. X

Yeah there was no need for it to escalate that quick, literally, it went from 0-100 all because I said my dog was fine under the table and then that's when he exploded and name called me because I apparently undermine him, I don't undermine him at all, this was an example when he thinks I do.
He usually doesn't have a problem with my dog, he wanted me to hold my dog either round ankle or wrist whilst looking after our baby, and eating? While he eats his meal in peace and goes out for a day every 5 mins. X

"Regards to finances, he does not give me physical money for her but when we see each other on weekends then whatever she needs he will buy and will buy meals out and food for us etc"

That is also not good enough from him. He is financially responsible for his child so I would make a child maintenance claim.

Thankfully you and he live about an hour apart so ending the relationship completely now will be easier. Indeed your DD can and will be picking up on all the vibes here. This is NO relationship model to show her and its no life for you either. Make better choices going forward for you and she and do not go into another relationship until your own boundaries are a lot higher than the sub level they are currently at.

When we realised we were pregnant it was early on in relationship everything seems fine then, had bickers here and there but no red flags, then just been going downhill since, been trying to make things work but there always seems an issue and he will always blow up, and then just get up and leave to have space, but then that involved drinking at the pub! Yes he has name called me in past out of anger and I suppose I have just let that happen, so that makes me the mug for tolerating his behaviour, he has called me a 'slut' previously and other names. That's why he carry's on because he thinks I have accepted that, but now we have our daughter she comes first and I can't do it no more because it will damage her x

You're not overreacting, this sounds like a scene. You're not living together and he's an hour away, great. Keep it like that. Tell him you are ending the relationship, and contact the CMS for maintenence.

This is a terrrible relationship for a child to grow up within, don't replace him with another until you're clearer than you sound here about what constitutes a healthry relationship and and what doesn't.

I totally agree with you, it definitely is lucky we do not live together, he will be able to see our baby when he wants, and I think it will be better to co-parent then tearing each other apart in this so called relationship which will effect us and our baby and it's unfair our daughter deserves more, I just have that guilt that he won't see her as much but that's down to him to make that effort, I also have guilt because I know how much he wants a family life living together something he didn't have growing up, and blames a lot of his issues on adhd,ocd, abandonment issues etc. but it still does not excuse his behaviour towards me he self sabotages and if he can't give me respect then what does he expect x

Thank goodness you don’t live together and have separate finances. End this.

he’s called you a slut and a scumbag and sworn at you (and that’s all we know about there will be more) you are worth more than this.

he’s having a fine old time turning up at the weekend after no sleepless nights with a baby and splashing a bit of cash on food and walking back out again.

Dump him and rebuild your confidence and self respect

💯 the last thing on my mind is another man/relationship, my baby definitely does not need any more stress, or confusion on who is part of her life. I will be focusing on my daughter and me, she comes first. Deep down I know this is a toxic relationship but I guess I never really truly see until people from the outside tell you. X

Well you've said you only see each other on weekends anyway so it won't make much difference if you're not together. Get out now whilst the baby is still young enough to not know any different.

As for feeling guilty because he "wants a family life living together" well maybe he should have thought of that before calling you names and abusing you.

You're not overreacting. Name calling in an argument is the signal that they realise they have lost the argument and have to resort to calling you a name to throw you off.

There is no point trying to explain it to him in my experience... he may agree but will do exactly the same in the next argument.