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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband threatens to kill himself if I leave

49 replies

mapletree123 · 21/01/2024 21:08

So I wrote a thread the other day about leaving my husband for various reasons. I but the bullet and did it yesterday.

It all went ok and he was calm and after a lot of him trying to make me change my mind he finally accepted it, so I thought.

Later on in the evening he broke down to me saying he can't go in without his family (I in no way said he wouldn't see the children!) and he had to end his life.

He has said these things before after depressive episodes and he is truly down and depressed at times. Which is why this worried me.

There were a lot of tears and I said I couldn't believe he would do that to his children.

I know he is manipulating me and trapping me.

He has said he will do anything to make things better.

My question is - has anyone experienced this and what did you do?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 21/01/2024 21:13

You phone emergency services. ‘Hello; I have a 38 yo man here saying he is going to commit suicide.

if they ask about support you say he’s in the house with me but we quite recently separated and he will be moving out soon, so I have limited ability to support, I have young children to look after.

PuppySnores · 21/01/2024 21:15

Argh, sorry, US link rather than UK, but the idea is the same. You are not equipped to deal with suicidal ideation and he needs to speak to someone who is.

JanglyBeads · 21/01/2024 21:18

It's a v common threat from abusive men. Yes tell police or the crisis MH services for your area.

Then call women's aid for some support for yourself.

Has he got form for making threats /dramatic utterances then not following through?

Hmmmmaybe · 21/01/2024 21:19

My father used to do This. He’s still alive.

to be honest if it was me I’d tell him its none of my business and he can crack on with it.

but I am very very immune to this kind of manipulation.

Agree with posters above - tell him you are not taking responsibility for his actions. Call the police and tell them. Take your kids somewhere safe and live your life.

CharmedCult · 21/01/2024 21:21

I agree you should phone 999 and tell them that your ex husband is threatening to take his own life, you're alone with him and young children in the house (if you're still in the same house) and worried for everyone's safety.

Maybe a visit from the police might sharpen him up a bit. The utter bellend.

newtlover · 21/01/2024 21:29

you have been given good advice here OP, I'd also suggest try and do the freedom programme, you will then have a much clearer understanding of why he is doing this

Marblessolveeverything · 21/01/2024 21:41

My ex, who has significant MH issues said the same. I had warned his doctor in advance.

Be aware that this is when you are most at risk. You can't manage another's MH all you can do is sign post supports.

I wish you happiness it isn't easy. I am eight years down the line things are better kids are happier and the space between me and the ex has made my life actually enjoyable.

kkloo · 21/01/2024 22:10

My question is - has anyone experienced this and what did you do?

Counselled him, spoke to him for hours, listened to all the threats, worried about him, tried to contact family but let them put the responsibility back on me, went searching for him when he was missing and apparently took all his medication, limited what I did because he couldn't handle me going out. Let him away with threatening to kill me, didn't report it because he told me that if I did he'd kill himself...and so on

Basically I did everything wrong. After about 6 months of that I had enough and realised I couldn't continue, I said I was stopping enabling it, he ended up going to hospital which I believe was for attention because he wanted to leave when he got there and they told him if he tried to leave and didn't stay voluntarily he would be sectioned. He was there for around a week. I didn't check on him. Didn't respond to any messages, Completely ignored him and miraculously all of the threats stopped not long after.

If the same happened again I'd be phoning the police every time.

cestlavielife · 21/01/2024 22:18

Lots do this op.
Call 999 and report for a welfare check.
Send them any texts.
Do not speak to him verbally so you have record of a text.
He is an adult and if he feels bad he needs to seek help and support from others.
You can report concerns to his gp they wont tell you what they do with the info but it can alleviate your guilt.
And if he is suicidal he should not be with kids unsupervised.
He cannot have it both ways, if he is genuinely suicidal he needs professional help and cannot be alone with kids as there is a risk of murder suicide.

If he is threatening to kill himself call 999. He can perhaps see them with a trusted friend present or contact centre or under supervision.

If he is not suicidal he should not pretend he is.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 21/01/2024 22:23

Ask the police to do a welfare check because he’s seriously threatening suicide. This is not your issue to resolve. Do not be manipulated

kkloo · 21/01/2024 22:35

He cannot have it both ways, if he is genuinely suicidal he needs professional help and cannot be alone with kids as there is a risk of murder suicide.

Forgot to mention this.
Yes I told my ex he couldn't be with the kids alone. Luckily for me he agreed and didn't try to fight that.

I also let my kids school know what was going on and said that he wasn't allowed to collect them. We weren't married and he wasn't a legal guardian so there was no issue there, if he was a guardian I think I might have had to get a court order..But I'm not in the UK.

ArnieLinson · 21/01/2024 22:39

cestlavielife · 21/01/2024 22:18

Lots do this op.
Call 999 and report for a welfare check.
Send them any texts.
Do not speak to him verbally so you have record of a text.
He is an adult and if he feels bad he needs to seek help and support from others.
You can report concerns to his gp they wont tell you what they do with the info but it can alleviate your guilt.
And if he is suicidal he should not be with kids unsupervised.
He cannot have it both ways, if he is genuinely suicidal he needs professional help and cannot be alone with kids as there is a risk of murder suicide.

If he is threatening to kill himself call 999. He can perhaps see them with a trusted friend present or contact centre or under supervision.

If he is not suicidal he should not pretend he is.

This. Every time. He is dangerous. Font let him near the children unsupervised, snd not supervised by you. He can arrange a contact centre. You inform the police if he threatens suicide.

Redglitter · 21/01/2024 22:42

He has no intention of self harming. He's manipulating you. Carry on with your plan to leave him & as soon as you get a text from him threatening suicide or saying goodbye, don't engage with him, call the police & leave it to them

AnnieSnap · 21/01/2024 22:53

When I was divorcing my ex, he said he was going to kill himself too. He had already started drinking heavily and refused to tell anyone who could support him (friends or family) about the situation. I wasn’t prepared to be held hostage by that, but I couldn’t ignore it either. He had 4 siblings. I rang one of them, explained and said “over to you” and I moved out!

CharlotteMakepeace · 21/01/2024 23:30

Let him. We are all in charge of our own destiny so don't feel any guilt if he does.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 21/01/2024 23:37

Im a mental health practitioner working with women.

So see this fairly regularly. Its a known ploy from abusive men .

Write down your local crisis number for him and advise him that if has plans to end life , or is feeling impulsive to go to A and E.

Thats literally all you need to do.

He has capacity to make his decisions and is able to seek help if he needs it .

HPD76 · 21/01/2024 23:43

My ex did this, kept me with him for an extra four years threatening to kill himself. We’ve been apart for nearly five years now and he’s still alive, weirdly enough. Though at first he did ring around all of our mutual friends to tell them I’d left him and he was going to kill himself. He caused an awful lot of worry because he wanted to paint me as the bad guy, which backfired because many mutual friends have now seen him for the not such a nice guy he is.

Be strong, don’t give into emotional blackmail.

LaTricoteuseVieux · 21/01/2024 23:44

You call the police, let them do a welfare check and see his embarressment when they call on him because he had no intention of doing it.

Make sure you've left first, you don't want to become the victim of a man who is enraged and kills you and the kids before actually carrying out a suicide.

ElevenSeven · 21/01/2024 23:47

I know he is manipulating me and trapping me

Correct. Phone the police as PP have said. It will be for medics to treat him, not you, he needs to understand it’s not for you to deal with.

theresastormcoming · 22/01/2024 00:05

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SwordToFlamethrower · 22/01/2024 00:06

My dad used to do this to my mum to manipulate her and control her. She's been divorced from him for 40+ years and he is still alive.

Just call the police if he threatens to do it or tries. He will be sectioned and you get shot if him.

JFDIYOLO · 22/01/2024 00:22

Threatening suicide precisely to keep you under control is classic coercive controlling behaviour.

It's near the top of the list in the Women's Aid article on domestic abuse:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Whether he is genuinely suicidal or strategically suicidal, he is potentially a danger to your children. Get them away from him.

You are not qualified to cope with a potentially mentally ill man threatening self destruction. Call those who are.

Call 999 to police, explaining imminent danger of self harm and harm to the children having to be around this.

He may actually need urgent psychiatric assessment. It's not your call.

Do it every time he makes his threats. Don't bow down beneath them.

Recognising domestic abuse - Women’s Aid

Recognising domestic abuse Although every situation is unique, there are common factors that link the experience of an abusive relationship. Acknowledging these factors is an important step in preventing and stopping the abuse. This list can help you t...

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse

Bobbotgegrinch · 22/01/2024 00:32

He's lying.

And even if he's not, it's not your responsibility. If he's selfish enough to do that to your kids, then they're better off without him.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2024 00:42

Yes, I experienced this.

I told him if he didn't call for an ambulance to take him to hospital, I would. There was no more talk of suicide, strangely...

Do not be taken in by this manipulation.

Call for an ambulance or call police for a wellbeing check. This is not your problem to deal with.