My husband threatens to kill himself if I leave

[mapletree123]

So I wrote a thread the other day about leaving my husband for various reasons. I but the bullet and did it yesterday.

It all went ok and he was calm and after a lot of him trying to make me change my mind he finally accepted it, so I thought.

Later on in the evening he broke down to me saying he can't go in without his family (I in no way said he wouldn't see the children!) and he had to end his life.

He has said these things before after depressive episodes and he is truly down and depressed at times. Which is why this worried me.

There were a lot of tears and I said I couldn't believe he would do that to his children.

I know he is manipulating me and trapping me.

He has said he will do anything to make things better.

My question is - has anyone experienced this and what did you do?

Been down this road and am utterly baffled by anyone taking this type of manipulation seriously. Told my ex that if he was going to do it that he'd be doing me a favour, to hurry up and when he does try to not make too much mess. His face was a picture but I'm a cold-hearted bitch with zero patience for that level of foolishness. 5 years on he's still in the land of the living.

Agree with all PPs. The ones who say they're going to do this are never the ones who do.

So tell him he can't have the dc unsupervised as his mh is too fragile... And mean it.

Get him to put it in writing.

So for example, text him and say:

"I've been thinking about what you said last night about committing suicide if I leave you; do you really mean that?"

And if he replies yes, take a screenshot.

Then respond to him saying;
"If that's the case, I need to contact the police, social services, your GP, the school, the football team you coach at (or whatever), your work's HR department, your family, Roger, Dave, Steve etc etc and tell them this.
You can obviously have no further contact with your children as you may potentially harm them whilst taking your own life and you're also a risk to my life as well so you cannot come home. Please arrange to stay elsewhere whilst I make these calls and get you the support you need because I am leaving you and obviously I don't want you to commit suicide, so you are going to need the above people to support you and be aware of your state of mind."

Then contact everyone in the list. Explain that your marriage has ended, your H has said he's going to take his own life and that you fear for your own life and that of the kids as well because of this and you need them to step up and make sure he's kept away from you, send them the screenshot as proof.

If he's lying (which I would bet he is) then he's shot himself in the foot, if he's telling the truth then the right people have been informed and he will get help and support.

Either way, he's out of your life and hopefully this will help you get a speedier divorce and keep him away from you.

I would personally want a HCP to sign off on his healthy state of mind before he was ever alone with the kids again, even if that took years. Too many of these men decide they have to take their kids lives as well as their own and it's just not worth the risk.

It's part of the script and a manipulation tactic. You are not responsible for his actions, he is.

Hello OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yes this happened to me with my DH. he left me a note saying he was going away to end it all, but I called the police and they found him. He was happy to be found really- I think it was more of a cry for help and a desperate attempt to manipulate me back into the relationship. He was assessed by mental health with no further action. He could be doing this to manipulate you either intentionally or unintentionally, but either way it isn't your fault and it isn't on you to fix it. He need to see a mental health professional and get some help for himself. You can continue to push forward with your decision to leave whilst also caring about what happens to him, and encouraging him to get help.
Don't get sucked back in if you know it's the right decision to leave. Sending strength and hugs!

He has said he will do anything to make things better

Great - he can start working on his mental health then. I would absolutely take this seriously and call either his GP at the very least. He's not necessarily lying or doing it strategically, but he must on some level know that saying these things will mean that you will be emotionally hostage to him.

I agree with @JFDIYOLO . Your children's safety are a priority.

I cannot speak for everyone and l could be wrong, but you tend to find the ones that are intent on committing suicide do not inform loved ones/ friends beforehand. They make their moves in silence.

My ex husband did this too, ten years on and he’s still alive and has practically nothing to do with his dc (minimal contact), he now has a great life with someone else, he couldn’t cope living along so clung into the first person he could find a few months after we separated. He soon got over the suicidal thoughts.

I think they just go into panic mode and will say and do what ever they think will get you to change your mind. Don’t back down.

Ex did a variant of this in the early days when we had split but were waiting for the house to sell - left empty packets of pills lying around for me to ‘find’, veiled threats about me being responsible if he couldn’t cope etc.

I grey rocked - it was clearly just more controlling twaddle.

He was online dating within 6 weeks, and happily remarried within a few years.

Please, do not fall for his emotional terrorism. He is lying. Every time he says he'll kill himself, call emergency services and all of his family and friends. He will soon stop.

Well when my ex did this I offered him a lift to the motorway bridge he was threatening to jump off.

Hes still alive over thirty years later, still threatening suicide or saying he has three months left to live, whenever the latest woman wises up and leaves him.

Yes I agree. For me my DH had written a very long letter and had planned to go away for a few days before he did it. He also answered the phone when I called and told me where he was, so it was clear that he wanted help

You remember all the women (and kids) who have been murdered by their partner/ex, who has then killed himself too, and you do your very best to leave this potentially dangerous relationship as soon as possible.

I'm sorry to put it in those horrifying terms, but it has to be said.

Yes my ex husband made this threat as well. I replied that this was his decision and I was not responsible for his actions.

I know this was not kind or very nice of me, but this was at the end of years of bad treatment by him, and I had gone beyond being angry and scared by this point, and had entered a state of cold calculating logic that I have never experienced before or since.

My ex threatened suicide too when I was trying to extricate myself from him. This was years ago. I can report that he too continues to swan around being a total jerk.

Classic threat from abusive men this one.

I would hand it over to the police.

Even if he does it, it’s not your fault.

My first husband threatened to kill himself if I left but I did anyway and he’s still alive 24 years later.

Wow. Reading all these responses and seeing how many men threaten to kill themselves over a relationship ending makes me wonder how women end up always being the ones labelled as mentally unstable / emotional?!

Oh just to add mine is still alive and well too, and on his third wife.

If you had asked here what do you think he will when l announce l am leaving we would have said: l am going to kill myself. Its that common. One woman l know replied..well don't do it anywhere the kids find you first!! 5 years have gone by and he has a new partner and more children and doesn't bother with his first family.
Remember if he does it's not your fault.

My exh threatened to do this when I told him I had started divorce proceedings as 'he couldn't live without me' - total twat.. He moved out after I said "Okay, do as you see fit."
Within three weeks he was seeing someone else, and within three months the deluded woman let him move in with her.
It lasted about 6 months while he fleeced her financially then walked out leaving her with debt.

There's often a history of manipulation.

I was with my ex from when I was a teenager, the threats started then and he would self harm in front of me etc if he thought I was going to leave so I was well and truly brainwashed.

The OPs previous post detailed him sexually coercing her into acts she didn't want to do and him getting depressed if she didn't do them so again a long history of manipulation.

No wonder you left. Ugh.