I just found out my ex committed suicide

[Hailstorm84]

Hello all.
I recently found out an ex of mines committed suicide last year. We didn't part on good terms, in fact I still to this day don't fully understand what our relationship was. We were involved for a year, he wouldn't commit to putting a label on us but I loved him and he told me he loved me. Long story short he ended it because he was in a long distance relationship that I wasn't aware of and finished with me once she moved to the country to be with him. I was broken hearted, took me a long time to get over it. Fast forward 8 years I find out that he has died, I don't know why but I started to dig around to try find out what happened to him. After a bit of research I find out he committed suicide. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach even typing it. I haven't cried for him, I just feel sick, distracted and can't get it out of my mind. It's not like I still loved him or cared about him, tbh I hated him for what he did to me so why do I feel so affected by this?. I'm married and happy so I feel guilty for even giving my ex this amount of thought. Can anyone resonate with this?, how did you put it behind you?. Thank you.

Oh what a shock to find this out. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I can imagine this is absolutely mind blowing. I hope you get some better advice that from me

Sorry to hear this. Your feelings are valid. I don’t have any advice but I had a friend I hadn’t seen for years who committed suicide. I think about him a lot. I’ve known 3 people in total who have died by suicide and out of all of the people I’ve known who’ve died they are the ones I find myself thinking about even years later. It’s tragic.
Is there someone you can talk to? A friend who knew you when you were in this relationship? Talking will help.

Someone you knew and once loved has died and in tragic circumstances. Perfectly normal to feel how you do. It makes us question everything. Is there anyone irl you can talk to about it?

Your feelings are completely natural.

I found out an ex love had died from a heart attack in his sleep whilst casually reading posts in a Facebook group of people that all worked together in a huge organisation in the 70s,80s and 90s.

It was a horrible shock.

At least he died in his sleep, suicide is a dreadful thing to read about.

You will grieve and the shock will pass.

It’s very cheesy but feel the feelings

it’s not that your disloyal , it’s just triggered a lot that maybe you had buried

could you talk this through with someone ?

You are shocked.
Your feelings are valid.
And part of you must be thinking what might have been.
Be kind to yourself.

I had this but about 10 years ago. Googled my ex like you do as he wasn’t on FB. Did some research and found out he’d ended his life.

After some thought I messaged his ex wife who he divorced a few years ago but they have DC. She was pleased to hear from me, we chatted and she told me the details. She wanted to meet me but I didn’t want that. She did say he’d talked fondly about me which was nice as we were together for a year but it was a long time ago. I was surprised at how upset I was to be honest. He was a very nice man who’d tried to help disadvantaged people through his work.

I think I mentioned this to a friend but nothing more.

And yes your feelings are natural and valid.

I would feel exactly the same if I read this about an ex. It’s bound to affect you even if you had no feelings for him or disliked him. He was still a part of your life for a period of time.

It's always a shock when someone you have loved died. Magnified ×100 by the nature of their death.Of course you are in shock its only natural x

Yes I had this 2 years after we split. He had asked me to marry him ‘and I’ll change’ but his issues were deep seated and he couldn’t. It was very sad and he was a lovely bloke. Just mourn him and try to let it go. I think fondly of him and how sad it is that he died so young.

Your feelings are natural and normal. I know 100% if I heard this about any of my ex partners (even the ones that we ended very badly) I'd be very upset, we are human.

I'm sorry for your loss I have no advice but I was wondering if people could stop saying committed suicide. It infers that they have done something wrong, you commit a crime, you don't ever say he committed a heart attack.

We should be using died by suicide.

Thank you for everyone's kind words and advice. I really needed to hear this. I'm finding it difficult to speak to anyone about it really, Im not the best at talking through my emotions and bottle a lot up. I suppose part of me feels guilty for mourning him, he had a wife and I have a husband. I suppose it would be cold hearted to not feel anything, it's just a very confusing time.

You can also commit an act of kindness, commit to a relationship or job. I don't see the word commit or committed as a negative word nor would I ever think of the use of the word followed by suicide being a crime.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have nothing to feel guilty about - you loved him at one time, and what's happened is terribly sad. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you happen to feel, and be gentle with yourself.

It is normal to feel upset about strangers who jump in front of trains. I often start thinking of how their families might feel and the driver of the train, the emergency services who deal with the body and so on and can get quite worked up about it, so it is only natural that you'd be grieving and feel a sense of loss and confusion, after finding out it was someone who at one time in your life you loved/were very close to. It might be worth a few therapy sessions to talk it through.

@BluebellsareBlue I won’t change that sorry not sorry.

Sorry to hear this, I think your feelings are completely normal. I would feel exactly the same.

To those of you who don’t want to change the way you describe death through suicide, how unkind of you. Those of us unlucky enough to be a survivor of bereavement by suicide have enough to contend with without the usage of such words, google why you have been asked, if you can’t understand it from the previous post

Not sorry, just unkind😡

@Kikibee I am very unkind and intolerant when I am being told how to say things. the list is endless these days. Mostly does not make sense.

@Kikibee you are right in what you are saying. "Commit" suicide goes back to the days when doing so was a crime. It is a pejorative term that shouldn't be used any longer.

Sympathy from me, OP. Suicide is very hard for the survivors.

Your feelings are completely natural, and I hope your DH is sympathetic.

I was devastated when an ex-partner took his own life, many years ago, and I still remember him with love and sadness. My DH completely understands and sympathises with me.

Don’t be ashamed of grieving. I hope you soon feel better.

About the use of language: 'to commit suicide' , this implies that a crime has been committed and can be hurtful to family members who have lost someone through suicide. I recently became aware of this listening to a poetry podcast by Frank skinner as he talked about this.