I just found out my ex committed suicide

[Hailstorm84]

Hello all.
I recently found out an ex of mines committed suicide last year. We didn't part on good terms, in fact I still to this day don't fully understand what our relationship was. We were involved for a year, he wouldn't commit to putting a label on us but I loved him and he told me he loved me. Long story short he ended it because he was in a long distance relationship that I wasn't aware of and finished with me once she moved to the country to be with him. I was broken hearted, took me a long time to get over it. Fast forward 8 years I find out that he has died, I don't know why but I started to dig around to try find out what happened to him. After a bit of research I find out he committed suicide. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach even typing it. I haven't cried for him, I just feel sick, distracted and can't get it out of my mind. It's not like I still loved him or cared about him, tbh I hated him for what he did to me so why do I feel so affected by this?. I'm married and happy so I feel guilty for even giving my ex this amount of thought. Can anyone resonate with this?, how did you put it behind you?. Thank you.

Say it how you want to say it OP. Feel what you feel.

I found out last year that an old teacher of mine killed themselves 15 years ago and it really upset me when I found out. Even though it was so long ago. I just found it so sad that the teenage memories I had of him didn't reconcile with a man who would kill himself.

That’s the correct term I’m afraid, and it won’t change just because you don’t like it.

I can see why it ‘reads‘ wrong, though - and I hope one day someone in power has it changed.

It is a horrible shock so it is not surprising you are feeling this way. Also understandable you have a nice life now and don't want to be dwelling in these emotions as they are not serving you.

One trick I have learned to help move through emotions more quickly is to name consciously think about what the emotion is you are feeling and name it, say it out loud even, e.g. "I am shocked" or "I am sad" and just sit with that for a moment and it helps it start to dissipate.

Also, don't attribute more to the emotions than they deserve, e.g. don't feel guilt because you now have a husband and you think you "shouldn't" feel this way about an ex. In the moment you don't choose your own emotions, they pass through you.

From someone that has done a lot of therapy, hope these tips help!

I think there’s something especially tragic about suicide and plus of what they call complicated grief can really be particularly tough to handle too.

About 6 years ago I found out that a former friend had died by suicide the year before. He was around 37 at the time of his death. First I was shocked but a bit numb then a few months later, the floodgates opened and I’d be crying at my desk at work, on the train, walking down the street etc. It went on like that for over a month. I even started seeing him around, like I’d look at a complete stranger and be convinced it was him then id blink and look closer and realise it wasn’t. Looking back I think I was on the brink of a breakdown. And the “weird” thing is I’d not seen or spoke to this friend for a good 5 years before his death.

I think I had a bit of guilt too as our last interaction hadn’t been great hence the “complicated grief”. I have a habit of suppressing my feelings so I’m grateful I allowed myself to grieve.

Commit implies intention - which is exactly what taking one's life is. I am aware of associations with committing a crime though so out of respect don't use this word when referring to suicide. I don't agree with the premise however

Another thing that might help you is I think when it comes to suicide the narrative around mental health is if only the person were able to talk to someone etc it could have been avoided, which adds an extra layer to the tragedy.

I am also now more aware than ever how much mental health is affected by neurotransmitters in the brain which is something physical we can't really control. Some medications can help, diet and lifestyle factors can have an affect, but so much more research is required.

There may be social triggers, and I don't want to minimise that many people are living under enormous pressures these days, but you don't know how much that may have been a factor, or how much it was a genuine physically rooted illness that caused his death. Would you be feeling this way if you found out he died of cancer that was treatment resistant? It may have been treatment resistant depression. Both are very sad situations, but as a society we understand cancer better than mental health.

Don't even feel weird you are happily married and googling an ex, it is so so common with technology at our fingertips and curiosity, we google people we ultimately don't really care about to see what happened to them, whether it be someone from high school, an old work colleague or an ex.

It’s not the ‘correct term’ it harks back to when suicide was a crime, it no longer is and so using the phrase just shows ignorance and lack of empathy

Yes @Kikibee is quite correct - it is no longer the correct term as suicide has not been a crime since IIRC the 1960s. If you look, you will find that even newspapers talk about someone "dying by suicide" or "taking their own life".

Here are some guidelines for you to look at - look at page 12 https://media.samaritans.org/documents/Media_Guidelines_FINAL.pdf

A few months ago I had some random thoughts about a teenaged school boyfriend from 20 plus years ago. First love, very formative relationship that ended and we remained friends for a few years however he had expressed regret about ending things and I had moved on so we list contact. I googled and found out that just a few weeks prior he had committed suicide. I was devastated for my teenaged self especially since I learned he lived in the next town from me for the better part of 15 years. It took me a while to stop thinking of it regularly. I still think of him with fondness and also sadness but I have wonderful memories.

Sometimes there is just nothing you can do even if you’re heavily involved in that person’s life.

I had an ex kill himself a long time ago. I went to his funeral and felt sad about it at the time. But since then all I’ve felt is anger that I wasted so much time trying to help him. Sometimes they need to do more to help themselves. I never found out how he did it either and I felt like I had a right to know.

You’ll feel better in time OP :)

Hi op my violent ex of 17 years and we had 5 children. died nearly 2 years ago when I found out. I was in shock and very upset even crying. and I have been in a happy relationship for 10 years. Its normal don't feel guilty for greving

An ex of mine also went in front of a train six years ago. I found out 4 years later and it was a huge shock. We’d parted on bad terms (justifiably) but I still wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I found it helped to talk about it with a few friends.

It's interesting when you think of people (mostly men) who end their lives and there are often (in my case) people who you wouldn't have thought they'd do it at all.

A close friend of mine shared with me the shock and sadness she felt when a female colleague of hers had taken her own life.

I personally think there should be more dialogue around talking about depression, mental health issues and including suicide.

When I felt suicidal a few years ago, I read a strange article which said (presumably following survivors accounts of it), that you changed your mind about doing it whilst doing it, so e.g. jumping.

Don’t feel guilty OP. You’re not feeling like this because you have romantic feelings for him still, you’re not being disloyal to your partner. It’s a horrible thing to have happened, no matter who it is to, and is more difficult to comprehend because you knew this person well at one time.

When I was 16 I found out a lad I went to primary school with had taken his mums car, crashed into a wall and died. I didn’t know him well, we’d occasionally played games at play time, but a lot of the time he was just one of the annoying naughty boys! He wasn’t a bad lad though.

I was shocked and felt sick. He’d not even got to finish school and take his GCSE’s. Absolutely awful. It is always going to be a shock to hear these things and will always take time to come to terms with.

clary

for instances like this I feel the real term is that they died of mental health issues , which couldn’t be treated
I hate the term suicide

as baldly this is what it is . A pain that cannot be borne

now knowing what I know aged 50 , I can see that sometimes it’s the only way to stop the unbearable pain
mental health isn’t easy to treat

its just extra horrific for those
left behind as they get undeserved guilt and confusion

One of the girls in my secondary school class committed suicide. I've wondered several times what could have been so bad in her life to have made her do this. She had nice parents, 2 lovely sisters, a DH who her family and friends think she loved, and a dog she doted on. It was a shock to her DH, family and friends. No known health issues, and 2 weeks earlier she had been out with friends for a drink and seemed happy and was planning a summer holiday. She took an overdose. She left a brief note saying she had had enough. She was not known to be depressed. Sometimes people must just suffer in silence and not seek help.

Regarding the words, I know some people (many? I'm not sure of the proportions) are upset by the terminology. I think it is also worth bearing in mind that word usage changes, and what once meant something specific (eg to commit suicide using the word commit because it was a criminal act) no longer does (ie people say commit suicide because it's a standard well know phrase).

While we can aim to be mindful of how words can cause offence, I think it's also worth being mindful that offence was not intended. I would assume that no one using the term "commit suicide" thinks it's criminal, or is implying a character judgement by their use of that phrase.

I lost a friend to suicide, and to be honest I don't care what term people use about what he did - it doesn't change the fact he's gone and that it is a terrible loss to everyone who knew him.

There are an awful lot of people who do mind and @Bululu has definitely not been mindful of an how their words affect us. It is a great stigma that has been attached to our loved one’s deaths which adds so much unnecessary stress and trauma to those left behind.

Another thing that might help you is I think when it comes to suicide the narrative around mental health is if only the person were able to talk to someone etc it could have been avoided, which adds an extra layer to the tragedy

yeah
depression (and all mental health
conditions) are really really hard to treat

even when you throw yourself into it
wellness , medication , therapy etc

being human isn’t easy and it seems to be getting harder

It's deeply distressing and can prey on your mind to hear that a perfect stranger has died in this way. So it's completely understandable that you are distraught to hear an ex took his life. Maybe you could talk to a bereavement chatline like Cruse if you don't feel comfortable talking about it with your husband. Or maybe you could have a little ritual for him - go to a place of worship and pray for him if you are religious or just light a candle and say goodbye. It sounds a bit twee buit it can help process what's happened.

Completely normal to have complicated feelings of grief. Just let yourself feel it, and acknowledge those emotions to better process them.

Maybe those who want to discuss what phrases other people should use could start their own thread. Or maybe a petition, if that’s the most pressing issue involving suicide for you.

I hadn't thought of this until you mentioned it but you're correct. It probably goes back to when it was a crime.

@Deathbyfluffy it's not me that has changed it, it's the charities and counselling services that request this. It's also a request from those who have been bereaved by suicide including myself. It's also now how it's taught in business, I teach this myself when training people on risk of harm. But that's fine. You do you it was only a polite request

6th Dec 2023, I was working from home, my twin girls 11yrs, were at school. There was a knock at the door, being so close to Christmas I assumed it was the post with another package...I couldn't have been more wrong. Opening the door I was confronted by two Police officers. A million thoughts went through my head as they both (one female and one male) took off their hats and asked if they could come in. I think at that precise moment my mind left my body, as before they even told me why they were there I knew from the bottom of my soul, life would never be the same again. My girls father, my Ex-husbsnd, had taken his own life in the most brutal way and all I could think about is how am I going to tell my baby girls that their dad has gone. They were going to be home from school in a couple of hours and how do a navigate a conversation that is going to change their life forever. I called the Smaritans whilst in shock, after the officers left and I quite literally picked myself up off the floor. He suffered with mental health throughout our marriage and after the death of my dad from cancer in lock-down who was living with us at the time, things just spiralled. I needed support as a full time working mum of 3 children, my father's death hit so hard after looking after him throughout his illness but my husbands demons were so entrenched there was nothing left so we seperated and divorced. We remained friends and I continued to support him him even though I was suffering with my own grief. We are a haay family moving on with the life as a unit but I have PTSD from that day the officers turned up and so many unaswered questions as no note was left. My children are my main focus and helping them navigate through their transition from Primary to Secondary school and all that entails. But at times I wish I could talk to someone who has navigated this path so I don't feel so lost when I can't switch of my mind and sleep. I'm so lucky, I have a wonderful family and friends but an emptiness when it comes to coming to terms with grief.