Has anyone tried ‘nesting’? Would you?

[Vavaroom]

We’ve just started this and tbh I’m finding it really tough. It’s meant to be temporary but there’s no clear end in sight and it’s so hard not really having your own space.

In early stages of my divorce a counsellor we went saw to negotiate child arrangements mentioned it. And I tried to imagine it and it was an immediate NOOOO.

All I can say - whatever needs to happen to move to the next phase - push for it to happen now.

No never.

My friend is. I don't know how she manages it but she is, they have two teenagers though and simply wouldn't be able to purchase two three bedroom places in our city. There's no abuse though, they just grew apart. But I really, really don't know how she does it.

No I hated the idea as soon as it was described to me. No no and no.

Thank you all. I thought I could do it but it's a nightmare, honestly. I feel worried for my sanity, genuinely.

I feel like it would help somehow to know why people didn't want to do it?

What does nesting mean in this context? I've only heard it used to describe the latter stage of pregnancy.

What is nesting?

No way could I do it. I think if you are amicable and are fairly similar in terms of how tidy and clean etc you are then fine but no way was I going to keep another property clean and tidy then come "home" to tidy up all over again

@DiamondGazette nesting is where you separate but then take turns in spending time with the kids in the family home, rather than 2 separate homes.

I don’t think it solves the problems of why most couples are divorcing in the first place. You still have to compromise on joint lifestyle and living space, share the mental load, share the same approach to chores and domestic cleaning - and now you get to do it in two homes rather than just one. You still have to rely on each other financially. What happens when one or both of you meets somebody new and wants to bring them into the nest home? What happens when those new partners don’t like how intertwined you are? It will happen, even if at the start both parties swear they’ve no interest in another relationship.

If a married couple can’t live harmoniously together then it’s unlikely they can nest successfully when divorced. Stability for children ultimately looks like having two happy, secure parents who parent them consistently and respect each other. Two parents who are sacrificing their own lives and futures for the sake of a family house and still struggle to co-parent isn’t that.

family members of mine did this, and it was successful. However, they got back together which makes me think they weren’t 100% sure about a permanent split anyway.

@ComtesseDeSpair ir yes this is exactly it. For me the whole thing has been a huge heartache and this way the heartache continues, in some form, rather than having the time/space to heal. I am feeling so down. It doesn't help that I'm living with family when I'm not at home, so don't have my own space, really. AND we also have some days where we 'overlap' in the house. When i write it down it sounds mad but I did agree to it.

I can see why people do it - the kids (whose fault it isn't) get to stay in the same place, school etc. For the parents it means sort of living out of a suitcase (a bit like kids have to with shared custody) and having to be superorganised so nothing gets left behind, and no progress towards any closure or new start. And you have to trust the other person to make sure the place you're going back to is tidy, basic food is in, children sorted eg you don't arrive to find they've got a day off school you haven't been told about, or kit they should be taking in. I know this happens with joint custody in two homes but it's not so easy to pick up the pieces. And it must be even worse if either or both of you have new partners who might stay over in the rented home.

Yes @crosstalk it’s not going well at all 😞

Fuck no.

For a start, I can't think of a man that's going to keep it women clean. They're a rarity.

And that's just a start on the ways it would be utter shit.

To me nesting was an immediate NO because it doesn’t allow the adults to move on with their lives.
Is the divorce is completely amicable and there is no bad blood - it may work better for a bit. But if, as in many divorces, things deteriorate even further during the process - than nesting makes it impossible to put an end to the misery of dealing with the ex spouse on more issues that is needed for co-parenting.

At least OP has family to stay with. Most nesting involves ex-spouses share a small other property. So - changing sheets every time they switch. Negotiating some cleaning up routines for either places. Etc.

People say nesting is good for kids. Maybe if this is the only way they can have own rooms, and for a brief period while they finish school….
But if kids are smaller - I think it’s best to get it over with and set up separate households so that they can adjust.

In the long term - nesting isn’t a solution as people will eventually get into their next relationships. Or just will want to have a place where they feel at home.

I would rule it out a) because it sounds messy and unsustainable, and b) because the cutesy name makes me nauseated.

My friend did it for a while years ago and it worked OK, bit too involved imo though. It would be a hard no from me!

Yes @jsku you’re spot on there.

Time limited nesting can work if it’s fairly amicable. I did it to get my 2 eldest through an exam year. No longer than that though. Was a relief to move on but kids struggled with the moving houses when we did finally buy our own places.

what is your plan @Vavaroom ? It’s early days for you

I guess the benefits are for the kids, so they don’t have 2 homes, and that is tough on kids, especially teens, my DD was always forgetting school books etc, thankfully we live 1 mile apart. I wouldn’t have wanted to do it, but might have considered it kids only had a few years before going off to Uni etc, or finances meant I had no choice. It can’t be easy at all

I'd do it in a heartbeat if we could afford a flat. We have a cleaner already and are mostly amicable and able to talk things through. If he met someone else he could stay at their's. Decor in the house is a mix of both our things that we've navigated over time. Decor in the flat would probably be the same. We respect each other's things and space here, would be the same with a house and flat I expect.bAnd it would mean the kids would be more settled, which would be my main priority.

I definitely wouldn't stay with family though like the OP. That would be awful!

You’d think on paper it would make sense. It’s the adults decision to split up so why should the children have to continually pack up and change houses? But In reality it would be so hard to do. I couldn’t imagine anyone being very happy or settled😩

So you stay with relatives when not with the kids? You don’t share a flat? Where does he live when not with them?

Hi @Vavaroom

We nested - it wasn’t an amicable break up. It was the only way I could get my ex H to leave the house. We both rotated in and out of the family home on a rough 3 day on/3 day off schedule and the children stayed put in the family home.

I organised the lease on the 3 bed town house and furnished it single handedly (to the extent of carrying in a dining room table by myself). You see why he’s an ex.

Wr didn’t have a fixed time frame but after 6 months ex moved there permanently and kids go to him every second weekend. So he got a new house organised for him by me and didn’t have to lift a finger. I bought him out of the family home just before Christmas.

I found the constant moving extremely stressful. I thought initially it cushioned the blow for the kids - I’m not sure that’s true. It delayed the inevitable - they only really started to accept the reality of the split when the nesting arrangement ended. It cushioned the blow for my ex, for sure.