Has anyone tried ‘nesting’? Would you?

[Vavaroom]

We’ve just started this and tbh I’m finding it really tough. It’s meant to be temporary but there’s no clear end in sight and it’s so hard not really having your own space.

When did nesting come to mean something totally different...anyways whatever the separation version is how odd

I know a couple who are doing it successfully long term, but the reason they're doing it is because of their DC SEN and they have enough money to each have gotten their own 1 bedroom flat so they have their own place to retreat to. Their split was also fairly amicable and neither of them afaik were abusive or cheated.

I briefly considered it then thought of what stbxh is like and Id be doing absolutely everything still and all that resentment and hurt would be even worse. We did live under one roof for 6 months which I really wouldn't recommend either.

I have seen it work very short term (family mediator here) while the practicalities got sorted but most parents couldn’t wait for it to end so they could move on. Even though it is thought of as being good for the kids the reality was that the kids often ended up totally confused as the parents had to be civil in front of them so the kids didn’t really understand they weren’t together any more. The only couple I saw who made it work long term were in a really strange set up. She was hoping to get back together, he openly said he wanted to pursue relationships with men but saw himself ending up with his wife and family “in a few years”. Meanwhile I helped them with boundaries with my best neutral face on!

We did. Kids were 10 and 7 when we split. We rented a 1 bed flat and alternated between that and the family home, so effectively shared 2 places.

it wasn’t easy but what helped was that although the split was hard and there was hurt and upset on both sides we both knew it was over and neither of us wanted the relationship anymore, would have been much harder if that wasn’t the case. Also knew it was time limited until we sorted finances and the split, we did it for just under a year in the end. Also clear rules such as changing bed sheets, not leaving washing up etc.

I do think it helped the children adjust, it helped make the initial split much easier on them and am glad we did it.

we had to keep living together for ten months without telling the children and have been nesting for nearly eight. No other options, although it is only for a few more months, fingers fucking crossed. I hate it, but it has been an easier transition for the children than immediately getting separate places. I am not remotely amicable with my ex and the children are not in any danger of thinking we will get back together. However, my ex’s one saving grace is that he always pulled his weight domestically so there are few issues on that front, and he feels guilty for breaking up the family so is relatively
well behaved. I despise him though.

How are the children finding it? It's supposed to be for their benefit rather than yours and ex's.

I'm in the early stages of it so that we don't disrupt our teens lives any more than is necessary - one is doing GCSEs this year and we can't sell the house for at least a year for various reasons.

It's difficult because of husband's emotional baggage ( I asked him to move out therefore I've forced him out his home and am ruining his life even though he's now happy living apart) but it feels like the easiest way for us to manage the end of a very long relationship.

I wouldn't bother to do it.

We did it temporarily during covid for almost a year and by then I'd had enough was awful.

Good for the kids at the time as a sort of 'transition period' but not good for the adults.

I said that one dc could sleep in my room while I wasn't there and exh could have his room as no way was I sharing my bedroom with him.

It also meant I was always having to hide things before he came round and that sometimes I didn't want to have to leave my house just wanted peace and quiet at home.

After a year I said even if it meant no overnights it wouldn't be carrying on and then lo and behold he found an alternative housing situation so he could continue having the dc's. Think it was mainly laziness on his part.