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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crush on the employee... Advice needed!!!

28 replies

Rainwind65 · 21/01/2024 13:03

Hello wise mumsnetters.

Long time lurker. Straight to the point. I (F42) have a small company, about 30 ppl, and recently hired a guy (M32) who looks after our sales.

And.. I have a massive crush on him embarrassingly. He is single.

I am happily married with my DH, 20 years together and 14 years married with 2 young kids. Work is stressful but rewarding, and we have a pretty good lifestyle. We parent well, really good mates. Really fond of each other. Maybe lack a bit of lust or desire atm but I think it is not unusual in a humdrum routine of busy life. We are basically solid.

This new hire of mine is driving me mad though. I can't stop thinking of him. We work really close as I am MD, and I of course keep everything very professional but I am finding it very hard. I will NOT do anything stupid and will keep being professional but I am thinking maybe I have to let go of him as it is my business and I can't really quit. 😢 And I feel so bad as he is really good at his job, and our sales is soaring since he joined.

WWYD? Any wise advice will welcome!

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 21/01/2024 13:24

Letting him go would definitely be immoral, probably be illegal (you are allowed to let go of people in the first two years for any reason except discrimination but this would be indirect discrimination as you wouldn’t be letting him go if he was female or if he was 62) and almost certainly stupid (he is great at his job).

You would almost certainly get away with the illegal behaviour but is that really the strapline you want to run your business under - “Susan’s widgets - we only break the law when we can get away with it”.

Whattodo112222 · 21/01/2024 13:36

You've got to be an adult in this situation.
Be professional, no contact outside of anything work related within work hours.
Think about how much you could stand to lose too if you acted upon a crush, I guarantee you that'll bring you back to reality.

Rania78 · 21/01/2024 17:54

I would aiggest psychotherapy. Please don’t lay off this man. He has done nothing wrong

Original poster
Rainwind65 · 26/01/2024 21:20

Thanks for the reply, I will definitely do nothing stupid.

OP posts:
Longsight2019 · 27/01/2024 00:29

Are the feelings mutual do you suspect?

crew2022 · 27/01/2024 05:25

Can someone else directly manage him and interact with him? Can you make up a reason like you need more time to spend on x project and so his direct line management will be done by someone else? Can you email more and meet less?

FloofCloud · 27/01/2024 06:01

It's a bit of lusty infatuation - it'll pass!

BananaLlama123 · 27/01/2024 06:36

It's a crush and will pass, honestly. Keep your head down, focus on your DH and it will ease.

I've had this twice at work, always kept it super professional. Longest it took to pass was about 6 weeks.

Northernsouloldies · 27/01/2024 06:50

I hope your moral compass steers you away from paying him off and he's an asset to your firm.

Original poster
Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 09:22

I am not even sure. I mean I am so afraid of being unprofessional that I act almost too professional. 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 09:22

Longsight2019 · 27/01/2024 00:29

Are the feelings mutual do you suspect?

The above was a reply to this!!

OP posts:
Mynewnameis · 27/01/2024 09:24

I too think it will pass. Imagine him on the toilet ir something 😂

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 27/01/2024 09:40

Use the new found lust and ramp things up with DH, build the relationship and sex life with him.

Leave the crush alone, no good will come of it...

Longsight2019 · 27/01/2024 09:54

Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 09:22

I am not even sure. I mean I am so afraid of being unprofessional that I act almost too professional. 😅

I can feel the sexual tension from here. So unless he’s blind or impotent…

Original poster
Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 09:57

Yeah... We have 2yo and 6yo and DH and I are just permanently exhausted. No family nearby, just us. DH also has a full time job and mine is more than full time... Maybe I am finding my crush as a fantasy that I can escape to.

We have a work event coming up in June, and my PA wanted to book an Air B&B with 2 rooms in a city for us, my crush and I, and I honestly jumped to my feet and said NO! We need a separate accommodation because it is inappropriate! 😅 Only me who is guilty of my feelings acted rather suspiciously, and now I am thinking not to go - sending someone else on my behalf if this crush keeps on tormenting me.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/01/2024 09:59

Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 09:22

I am not even sure. I mean I am so afraid of being unprofessional that I act almost too professional. 😅

You need to grow up. You are not at the mercy of your lust and neither is he. Put your feelings to one side and do your job. People do it every day.

Original poster
Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 10:01

Longsight2019 · 27/01/2024 09:54

I can feel the sexual tension from here. So unless he’s blind or impotent…

Show quote history

Gosh maybe he knows. 🥴 He is so professional and nice around me but again I am his boss so he will act accordingly. I am avoiding him like a plague atm but he grabbed me on Friday to ask if I am OK as I looked really flustered and stressed. I need to up my game.

OP posts:
Frosting · 27/01/2024 10:14

Jeez you were thinking of laying him off because you fancy him!! I’ve been through this as the female, just, politely, get a grip.

You don’t fancy him, think of him as a shiny mirror reflecting a different version of you different from what you describe as the humdrum.

Also just imagine all the finer details of anything happened, I mean really imagine it, the process of separating, the embarrassment, the fallout, all for a fleeting either one sided fantasy or a mutual biochemical reaction. And what happens if you are with someone else and this happens again.

That’s how I would puncture it. By the way people do notice when you treat someone differently because of stuff like this. I had it and I felt like shit as because as always it’s always the woman’s bloody fault when a man in seniority fancies them. Sorry my mini rant there. Good luck op.

MasterBeth · 27/01/2024 10:22

You will be attracted to lots of other people in a long marriage. I know I have.

Never done anything inappropriate. Crushes fade. Observe this one from afar, label it as a crush that will go. It's OK to fantasise but keep professional.

confusedbythesystem · 27/01/2024 10:23

Keep being professional.

Focus on improving time with OH and family. A low key weekend break soon in UK...even a weekend in a family hotel with a children's club so you can do nice lunches and walks with OH? Then book a week somewhere warm abroad early summer to look foward too? Again with childcare built in.

It's so hard to prioritise this when running your own business but vastly better than an affair and family breakup.

Good luck!

Original poster
Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 10:38

Yeah there is a lot of movement in our industry so he might find some other employment soon. I will keep being professional as I have been. It is so hard but I have got too much to lose. It took me 15 years of hard hard work to build my company so definitely won't throw it away because of my crush. And ofc my family that I have built with my DH. Thanks for the wise words everyone!

OP posts:
DippingAToeIn · 27/01/2024 10:50

Rainwind65 · 27/01/2024 09:57

Yeah... We have 2yo and 6yo and DH and I are just permanently exhausted. No family nearby, just us. DH also has a full time job and mine is more than full time... Maybe I am finding my crush as a fantasy that I can escape to.

We have a work event coming up in June, and my PA wanted to book an Air B&B with 2 rooms in a city for us, my crush and I, and I honestly jumped to my feet and said NO! We need a separate accommodation because it is inappropriate! 😅 Only me who is guilty of my feelings acted rather suspiciously, and now I am thinking not to go - sending someone else on my behalf if this crush keeps on tormenting me.

I had something similar, a huge crush around the 20 year point. For me it was different because I was extremely unhappy in my marriage and my kids were older. I ended my marriage (not because of the crush but it was definitely a catalyst) and later on I did actually have a ONS with the crush. I can tell you for sure that the reality doesn't come close to the fantasy. What you are imagining is a result of the intense crush feelings and it will pass I'm sure if you hang in there. Don't let those strong feelings trick you into thinking there is something of meaning to pursue. Get yourself some therapy if you can talk things through. This is all probably just a symptom of feeling exhausted and needing some escapism. It's great that you're recognising it. It's ok to find someone else attractive, and completely normal really. Just carry on being professional, keep your blinkers on so you just focus on work, and maybe channel some of the sexual energy into some passion with your DH 😊

TobyEsterhase · 27/01/2024 17:19

I am in a slightly similar situation to the OP. I am 54y/o male, divorced with children all over 18, and recently recruited a 41 y/o female who is single mother to a 10 y/o.

I find her very easy to talk to and she is attractive and appears very well adjusted. She had to go into hospital for emergency op a few weeks ago, I sent her flowers on behalf of the firm and we have been exchanging texts and starting to open up to each other.

Been a long time since I met someone whom I felt a genuine connection with but just a bit of a minefield as I am her boss and last thing I want is for her to feel pressured or awkward.

She returned to work a couple of days ago though she isn't 100% recovered and said that she will be staying in for next few weekends.

Ilovelurchers · 27/01/2024 18:32

OP is there any possibility you could be perimenopausal? It does seem to lead some of us into these intense, out of character crushes. Might be worth getting your hormones checked if you feel you don't recognise how you are feeling/behaving?

And as everyone has said, of course you can't sack him because you fancy him - it would be a disgusting abuse of power. But I think you weren't being serious about that?

Frosting · 27/01/2024 19:06

Oh give over with the perimenopause, it’s just a garden variety crush. Is there a comet in the sky - no it’s the perimenopause chant Mumsnet.

@TobyEsterhase Your Employee is vulnerable, leave well alone. A male colleague senior to me became attracted to me after I’d been ill, I was very vulnerable.